Bad day

I'm pretty fucking shot today.  I have absolutely no energy.  I want nothing more than to go to sleep and just wake up when my life changes.  I feel so hopeless again.  Like everything sucks again.  When I quit smoking I stopped feeling this way- I made it 8 days- but then I went back.  But this is how I felt months before I quit.
I've been feeling this way for a few days- like the walking dead.  I was trying to think back to when it started.  Saturday.  I was talking to my ma and telling her that I asked a recovering alcoholic- my uncle- to speak to my father about how great his life could be in recovery, and places he can call, etc.  I was really happy b/c my father actually listened to this guy when he called.  They know each other from way back.  He was married to my aunt.  The fact that my father didn't tell this guy to fuck himself is huge.  I thought he might.  In fact I was pretty sure he would.  But he didn't.  So my uncle called me to tell me that and I was so happy that I hung up the phone with him and just broke down in tears.  I told my ma and she saw that I was crying.  I guess she realized how much it meant to me and this affected her.  She hugged me and told me that she'd try her best to stop drinking also.  I know she just wanted me to be okay- but I think that more than that she wanted to relieve herself of guilt.  She feels guilty that she drinks and that it hurts me.  Both my parents do.  I don't like seeing her feel that way so I minimize my suffering.  It hurts me to do that.  I didn't leave my house on saturday and sunday.  I know that hurt me also.  I can't stay there.  Not if I want to sober up and change my life.  It's too hard.  It's too overwhelming.  It's just too much. 
So I smoked on Sunday, monday, tuesday.  I want to smoke now.  Horribly.  More than anything in this world I want to just forget my life.  I want to forget reality.  I want to be numb.  I don't want to be aware of the fact that my ma's a drunk and she's at home right now drinking.  I don't want to be aware of the fact that I'm 30 and I live with my ma.  I don't want to be aware of the fact that I'm broke and there's no guarantee that that's ever going to change.  I just don't want to know.  I feel bogged down.  I feel like things are hopeless.  What do I do to change it?  I know that smoking weed won't make anything better, ever.  I know that going home won't make anything better either.  What would make me feel better right now?  I want to go home and lie down in my bed and curl up and watch a movie.  That's all I want to do.  I'm ashamed of myself for smoking.  I'm ashamed of myself for overeating.  I'm trying my best to not be consumed by this feeling of shame but I'm losing. 
I am gonna go home.  But first I'm going to get some work done.  Maybe that will make me feel better.  To be continued....