Day 4
I feel very jumpy right now. I know part of the reason is that I'm hungover- I'm not sick- but I'm not 100%. I drank last night for the first time in a while. It was fun. TherE were people around. It was social. I was out in Long Island. Now I'm here. Home again. And I feel like I can't sit still. I want to be numb. I want to be high. I think this is withdrawal. This is day 4 of no pot. That means I made it 3 days already- effortlessly. Bc I don't even want to smoke when I'm not home. The second I enter these doors I feel the extreme need to escape reality. Fuck. I'm gonna get thru this. I'm gonna go rent a movie and relax a little bit.
I feel like my skin is crawling. At any moment my brother's going to walk in and be all fake or just not give a shit. My father's doing whatever it is he does for money nowadays. My mother is working. Tonight she'll be drinking. They all had a good weekend. So did I. They don't need me. In fact- being there for them does them more harm then good. They don't want to change. My ma does a little bit- and I hope she gets what she wants. I don't know how to feel about not being needed. Part of me is relieved and the other part feels scared and alone. Relieved bc I feel like my family needed me more than they ever wanted me around and that's hurtful. Scared and alone bc I feel like feeling needed is the only feeling of love I ever really got from my family. Now I know that's not the whole story. It was bad for me in many ways growing up but its not that my parents never did things for me out of love- they bought shit for me, they helped me out financially when I needed it and there were times where they were there for me emotionally also. But more times then not- in fact most times- I was the only one I could count on. The only time they ever appreciated me growing up was when I was doing something for them. I don't know if its still that way or if I'm just stuck in that mental frame.
I think if I'm honest- there have been some improvements. But my mental health can't be about anyone else's emotions or actions except mine. Period. And its hard. Bc being codependent is all I've ever been. Changing yourself has to be the hardest thing ever to do.
On a lighter note- I no longer feel the need to smoke weed. In fact I feel quite calm. I'm gonna do this. I'm not going to smoke weed today.
I feel like my skin is crawling. At any moment my brother's going to walk in and be all fake or just not give a shit. My father's doing whatever it is he does for money nowadays. My mother is working. Tonight she'll be drinking. They all had a good weekend. So did I. They don't need me. In fact- being there for them does them more harm then good. They don't want to change. My ma does a little bit- and I hope she gets what she wants. I don't know how to feel about not being needed. Part of me is relieved and the other part feels scared and alone. Relieved bc I feel like my family needed me more than they ever wanted me around and that's hurtful. Scared and alone bc I feel like feeling needed is the only feeling of love I ever really got from my family. Now I know that's not the whole story. It was bad for me in many ways growing up but its not that my parents never did things for me out of love- they bought shit for me, they helped me out financially when I needed it and there were times where they were there for me emotionally also. But more times then not- in fact most times- I was the only one I could count on. The only time they ever appreciated me growing up was when I was doing something for them. I don't know if its still that way or if I'm just stuck in that mental frame.
I think if I'm honest- there have been some improvements. But my mental health can't be about anyone else's emotions or actions except mine. Period. And its hard. Bc being codependent is all I've ever been. Changing yourself has to be the hardest thing ever to do.
On a lighter note- I no longer feel the need to smoke weed. In fact I feel quite calm. I'm gonna do this. I'm not going to smoke weed today.
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