day 1

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have a choice today. I could get hIgh. I could stay sober. Staying sober means a lot of emotion bc I haven't had a sober day in a while so a lot of emotions are going to flood me. Its gonna hit me the hardest at night- but midday is going to be hard to- when I leave my town where the drugs are to go to where my office is I'm gonna feel it. Its gonna be a hard day. But I'm gonna get through it. I've done it before. I have things planned so the boredom won't lead me to make the call. I spent the whole day relaxing yesterday so I'm not stressed out this morning. I'm not going to speak to my father today bc his negativity will probably bring me to the edge.

I want another life. This drug is a crutch. I will never learn to walk without it if I don't stop using it. I've given myself enough leeway. Its hard to quit escaping reality when reality sucks. For instance- going through that shit w douche(abuser)- I couldn't quit while I was going through that- I would have lost my fucking mind. Then I was going through the shit w steve. There was a lot of shit- this has been a rough 8 months for me. A necessarily rough 8 months.

As I sit here:
1. I am no longer talking to the abuser which seemed to have a death grip on my life.

2. I stopped going over my fathers house on sunday- yet another death grip

3. I stopped answering the phone when my dad calls.

4. I've learned to treat myself with compassion

5. I finally got out all my emotions w steve.

6. I don't binge when I smoke anymore so my addiction to food is no longer attached to the weed addiction

I'm ready to move forward now. There is a ceiling on my happiness when I smoke. I'm gonna be so proud of myself when I quit. I always am. I'm gonna do it this time. I'm not going to smoke today.

If ur reading this- please say a prayer for me