I'm a journal writing freak today.
I feel like I'm 15 and reliving this again. I just heard a song- there are so many- where the underlying story is that there is a lot of love there but the 2 just can't make it work. That was me and steve. I don't know if I ever fully grieved- I don't know if doing so was even possible. I have this rumbling in my stomach. This feeling of emptiness like I'm losing him all over again. Even though he hasn't been mine for the past 15 years- in my heart he was. No matter where he was physically- in my heart steve was always my man. He'd come around every once and a while and I guess I thought that was all I deserved. When we are together I feel so connnected and close to him and I would tell myself that he felt the same way as I did- He loved me and he was sorry that we couldn't be together. Then the night would end. Suddenly he wasn't sitting in front of me anymore- that feeling of connection was gone and all that remained was the objective analysis- that analysis never fared too well for me. That analysis was the one I hung on to b/c it had been beat into me that my feelings were wrong. So I didn't trust my subjective analysis. In fact- even my objective analysis was screwed from having it beat into my head that feeling pain was a character flaw. When he wasn't in front of me- which was most of the times- I looked at the level of communication. Everything said out of site out of mind. But then again- both of us have a lot going on in our lives. For some reason though- when I read on fb about his shit it always felt more important than mine. Like- he has kids. I want kids so fucking bad. I've always wanted a family. He doesn't crave that like I do b/c he comes from a HUGE family and they're always together. Not mine.
Maybe wanting a famiy has something to do with this. Hmmm. I'll have to ponder that. My friend chrissy- she has kids and a boyfriend and I tend to view her life as more important than mine also. Both of them- Steve and chrissy- had NO money growing up. I mean like none. Both of them look at my career like I've made it- but I just don't see it that way. Don't get me wrong- I love my career. But more than anything I just want to be loved. I want a family. Hearing him say that he was hanging out with the mother of his children (that's what he calls her to me- I have an odd feeling that he calls her his girlfriend to everyone else) on the weekend where he was supposed to call me conjured up a new level of rejection for me. Why is that? B/c i always thought that he didn't want me b/c of what I did and said and I want kids- him talking about his kids made me really jealous. Why does she get to be the mother of his children instead of me? B/c she doesn't speak english and doesn't ask for shit and I do. (btw he doesn't speak spanish- that's why I bring that up) And I'm not going to stop expecting things from potential partners. That means I'm not considered a catch to many men. In fact its been beaten into my head that having any other need than the need for money and weight loss is a character flaw.
Maybe that's it. Maybe its the jealousy for him b/c he has what I want combined with the fear that I am never going to find it anywhere else is the real reason I'm this upset. The fear that he will be the only person who ever loves me. I'm still scared of that. Maybe that's what I'm feeling underneath this love. I know the love is real- but he really hasn't been mine in 15 years. There has to be more to this level of intensity that I'm feeling.
I think that's it. That makes sense. Its the same old fear- that no one will ever love me; that I am too flawed to love; that no one will ever appreciate me. That's why I'm feeling so intense right now. It's not just b/c of him.
That's good to figure out. In fact the realization alone makes my stomach feel at ease. I know I'm worthy of love. Who the hell was he to fucking blow me off? I rate dammit. I don't give a shit how fat I am. I'm still a fucking prize and if he doesn't see that shit than fuck him.
I'm really happy I wrote all of this out. An added benefit to writing down everything is that i can see where my thoughts took me and in order to change a pattern I have to understand it.
I feel like I'm 15 and reliving this again. I just heard a song- there are so many- where the underlying story is that there is a lot of love there but the 2 just can't make it work. That was me and steve. I don't know if I ever fully grieved- I don't know if doing so was even possible. I have this rumbling in my stomach. This feeling of emptiness like I'm losing him all over again. Even though he hasn't been mine for the past 15 years- in my heart he was. No matter where he was physically- in my heart steve was always my man. He'd come around every once and a while and I guess I thought that was all I deserved. When we are together I feel so connnected and close to him and I would tell myself that he felt the same way as I did- He loved me and he was sorry that we couldn't be together. Then the night would end. Suddenly he wasn't sitting in front of me anymore- that feeling of connection was gone and all that remained was the objective analysis- that analysis never fared too well for me. That analysis was the one I hung on to b/c it had been beat into me that my feelings were wrong. So I didn't trust my subjective analysis. In fact- even my objective analysis was screwed from having it beat into my head that feeling pain was a character flaw. When he wasn't in front of me- which was most of the times- I looked at the level of communication. Everything said out of site out of mind. But then again- both of us have a lot going on in our lives. For some reason though- when I read on fb about his shit it always felt more important than mine. Like- he has kids. I want kids so fucking bad. I've always wanted a family. He doesn't crave that like I do b/c he comes from a HUGE family and they're always together. Not mine.
Maybe wanting a famiy has something to do with this. Hmmm. I'll have to ponder that. My friend chrissy- she has kids and a boyfriend and I tend to view her life as more important than mine also. Both of them- Steve and chrissy- had NO money growing up. I mean like none. Both of them look at my career like I've made it- but I just don't see it that way. Don't get me wrong- I love my career. But more than anything I just want to be loved. I want a family. Hearing him say that he was hanging out with the mother of his children (that's what he calls her to me- I have an odd feeling that he calls her his girlfriend to everyone else) on the weekend where he was supposed to call me conjured up a new level of rejection for me. Why is that? B/c i always thought that he didn't want me b/c of what I did and said and I want kids- him talking about his kids made me really jealous. Why does she get to be the mother of his children instead of me? B/c she doesn't speak english and doesn't ask for shit and I do. (btw he doesn't speak spanish- that's why I bring that up) And I'm not going to stop expecting things from potential partners. That means I'm not considered a catch to many men. In fact its been beaten into my head that having any other need than the need for money and weight loss is a character flaw.
Maybe that's it. Maybe its the jealousy for him b/c he has what I want combined with the fear that I am never going to find it anywhere else is the real reason I'm this upset. The fear that he will be the only person who ever loves me. I'm still scared of that. Maybe that's what I'm feeling underneath this love. I know the love is real- but he really hasn't been mine in 15 years. There has to be more to this level of intensity that I'm feeling.
I think that's it. That makes sense. Its the same old fear- that no one will ever love me; that I am too flawed to love; that no one will ever appreciate me. That's why I'm feeling so intense right now. It's not just b/c of him.
That's good to figure out. In fact the realization alone makes my stomach feel at ease. I know I'm worthy of love. Who the hell was he to fucking blow me off? I rate dammit. I don't give a shit how fat I am. I'm still a fucking prize and if he doesn't see that shit than fuck him.
I'm really happy I wrote all of this out. An added benefit to writing down everything is that i can see where my thoughts took me and in order to change a pattern I have to understand it.
Replies