Memories

I was talking to a friend this morning about the beginning of me and Mr. Douche- lets call Mr. douche J for now.  That day he stopped by my office and we talked.  He was sitting on my couch and I had my head on his lap.  That was before we got together.  There was a lot of boundary crossing involved with us and that day was a huge one.  Two days later the physical shit began.  Anyway- that particular day was a good one.  And right now, I miss him.  If it wasn't for this site- I'd probably feel "cured" and think that I could just text him again.  But I know I can't do that.  I felt so loved that day.  That was a great feeling.  My uncle's funeral was 2 days later so I was especially vulnerable- almost 100% sure that's why Douche was interested in me.  He seemed to be very unattracted to any level of strength I showed. 
I'm feeling sick so I'm feeing vulnerable. When I feel vulnerable I feel weak.  When I feel weak I feel pathetic- and that feeling triggers all my addictions.  I've noticed that douche comes into my mind whenever I'm feeling sad about anything in my life.  Its odd- but it makes sense. 
Anyway- I'm writing b/c I know where the feeling I'm having leads to if I don't do something to get it out of me.  If I stay iin my head I will be consumed by this feeling and might end up doing something destructive.  So this is my way of getting it out.  Everytime I feel this way i'm going to write about it.  I'm making that promise to myself.
Progress not perfection.  Have to keep reminding myself of that.