Forgiveness?
I was talking with Geo tonight about forgiving my stepbrother. I think it's the right thing to do, at least I think I do. Geo says he doesn't know what he would do if he was in my shoes. I was open with him about a lot of things about the whole situation, about how it changed me and all that. I still want to talk to my therapist about it on Thursday. There's some things I didn't tell him that I don't know if he can handle or not. My therapist wants to do some sort of role playing and I think that I should be ready for that. I know that the depression I'm in and all this funk going on is because of the whole stepbrother thing, so at least I know the cause. Now all I need to do is figure out how to move on and have it not affect me so bad so I can get out of this. That, or time will just help me get out of it. Time heals all wounds, so they say, but I don't think so. Time hides things, but they come back. If they were bad enough, they come back. That's why people with PTSD don't just get over it after years... it continues to eek at them. I should know, I have it. Sometimes I can deal with it easier than others, but most of the time I don't deal with it at all since I have very specific triggers that I avoid.
Geo thinks I should be angry with my stepbrother. I am angry with him.... I just want to forgive him for my own sake. Now, writing and sending my stepbrother a letter telling him I forgive him is another thing, but forgiveness? That I think I owe myself. I don't want to let him know I forgive him since I don't want him to know how much he hurt me. How many nights I cried over the pain, all the trouble Geo and I have had to go through because of what he did to me, how he stole my innocence. I think he would get some sort of sick pleasure from it and I don't want to give him that satisfaction. Geo says I should call him and cuss him out for what he did, and I think in role playing that's acceptable. But at the same time, if I call and cuss him out, I'm giving him the same satisfaction that he hurt me so badly anyway, so it defeats the purpose. I would rather just kick him in the balls at my sister's graduation party and say that he abused me. I might get arrested, but I don't think I would get any more than a night in jail. More than likely I would get a round of applause if people know what a piece of shit this guy is. And I don't curse lightly.
I don't know. I don't know much about his life now. I know he knocked up some girl and his mom forced him to marry her. He's still dependent on his mom which is why he had to marry her. So most likely he's stuck in a loveless marriage and has a kid he doesn't want. I hope he doesn't abuse his kid... it wouldn't surprise me if he did. Who knows how many other girls he got pregnant, but then forced them to get an abortion or something? He wasn't fond of using protection. I'm pretty sure I was his first, since I'm clean and he was young. Old enough to know what he was doing, but still young. He didn't rape me per se, he just forced me to go down on him. It was the culmination of a long line of abuse. Once he did that, I realized that what was being done to me was wrong, and that I had to stop it however I could. And I did. I found my own way out, and that I should be proud of. I just had to go through hell to get there.
See, I didn't realize that what they were doing was wrong. I thought that every family did stuff like that, that they just didn't talk about it. I didn't know how wrong I was, but I was young. When it started, I was 5 and not in school yet. At least I don't remember being in school. I was just curious about everything, and they used that to their advantage. I used to think that I should have been smarter than that, but there's no way I could have known. We are born to trust our families, and that's what I was doing. It's just genetics.
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range and everything. I was even in all my ranges for the other things I track. Mood today was tired.... I slept almost all day (I woke up at 2pm) and went to the grocery store because Geo's dad lent us the truck. I was walking like a zombie in the store, but after we got home, Geo and I had that chat about forgiveness and I've been feeling a bit better. I still don't know what I'm going to do about the detox (Ann, I'm still on all my meds... my doctor just thinks I should stop some or all of them). I will talk to my therapist about it on Thursday if we have time.
Geo thinks I should be angry with my stepbrother. I am angry with him.... I just want to forgive him for my own sake. Now, writing and sending my stepbrother a letter telling him I forgive him is another thing, but forgiveness? That I think I owe myself. I don't want to let him know I forgive him since I don't want him to know how much he hurt me. How many nights I cried over the pain, all the trouble Geo and I have had to go through because of what he did to me, how he stole my innocence. I think he would get some sort of sick pleasure from it and I don't want to give him that satisfaction. Geo says I should call him and cuss him out for what he did, and I think in role playing that's acceptable. But at the same time, if I call and cuss him out, I'm giving him the same satisfaction that he hurt me so badly anyway, so it defeats the purpose. I would rather just kick him in the balls at my sister's graduation party and say that he abused me. I might get arrested, but I don't think I would get any more than a night in jail. More than likely I would get a round of applause if people know what a piece of shit this guy is. And I don't curse lightly.
I don't know. I don't know much about his life now. I know he knocked up some girl and his mom forced him to marry her. He's still dependent on his mom which is why he had to marry her. So most likely he's stuck in a loveless marriage and has a kid he doesn't want. I hope he doesn't abuse his kid... it wouldn't surprise me if he did. Who knows how many other girls he got pregnant, but then forced them to get an abortion or something? He wasn't fond of using protection. I'm pretty sure I was his first, since I'm clean and he was young. Old enough to know what he was doing, but still young. He didn't rape me per se, he just forced me to go down on him. It was the culmination of a long line of abuse. Once he did that, I realized that what was being done to me was wrong, and that I had to stop it however I could. And I did. I found my own way out, and that I should be proud of. I just had to go through hell to get there.
See, I didn't realize that what they were doing was wrong. I thought that every family did stuff like that, that they just didn't talk about it. I didn't know how wrong I was, but I was young. When it started, I was 5 and not in school yet. At least I don't remember being in school. I was just curious about everything, and they used that to their advantage. I used to think that I should have been smarter than that, but there's no way I could have known. We are born to trust our families, and that's what I was doing. It's just genetics.
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range and everything. I was even in all my ranges for the other things I track. Mood today was tired.... I slept almost all day (I woke up at 2pm) and went to the grocery store because Geo's dad lent us the truck. I was walking like a zombie in the store, but after we got home, Geo and I had that chat about forgiveness and I've been feeling a bit better. I still don't know what I'm going to do about the detox (Ann, I'm still on all my meds... my doctor just thinks I should stop some or all of them). I will talk to my therapist about it on Thursday if we have time.
Replies
intence journal, lots of hard stuff. about the letter, i know you dont want to let him know how he ruined your life, but is that not what you are trying to achieve by forgiving him? could you write in the letter to the extent you want to, what you are forgiving him for, so he is not let off the hook, that you know exactly what he did, yet you are telling him you forgive him. what is the difference between forgiving someone and forgiveness, i am curious of how you percieve the difference. i do think kicking him in the balls is the real way to go! how about both?? how right you are about ptsd, it is a nightmare that always recurs. thanks for telling me about the meds, i am looking forward to what the therapist says.
This is the first journal of yours I read and it seriously is very shocking. But I can relate somewhat. I was abused around 5 by a family member. I like the way you want to forgive your stepbrother in order to help yourself. I\'ve been struggling with forgiveness for a long time now and I always thought forgiveness was for the offender but now I hear more and more that it\'s supposed to be more for the victim. I like that idea but have trouble quite believing in it. So good for you if you can accomplish that. Yikes, I hate role play - way to shy for that . You must be a very strong lady.
The thing that really bothers me in keeping this a secret is like you said the danger for his daughter and other relatives. Bringing it in the open might be hell for you and then you shouldn\'t but if you could handle it make it known that he is a sexual predator.
I hope you can get past this. You can write the letter and then burn it . see what your therapists says. You have to find your own path.
This was a very intense journal. It\'s great that you were able to get it out. Happy you are talking to Geo too.
You mentioned they . was there more than one person doing this?
I don\'t know if I could forgive. I might be able to put it to rest but never forgive. I would interested to know if he was abused. Most abuser were abused. He may have some wounds that need healing also. And as Zee said you mentioned \'they\' a couple of times. Are there others you need to confront to put this behind you?
You are doing a great job on working through this and I hope you keep your appointment with the therapist.