Detox?
I went in and saw the good doctor, Dr. Miller, today. I walked in since I didn't have an appointment and they saw me right away. I just know what time to get there as a walk-in to be seen right away. You have to get there around 2:30 because that's when he starts to see his walk-ins. I ended up waking up around 2:30, so I just got dressed really fast and stumbled to the clinic. I was very zombie-like walking to the clinic. If I was in a zombie movie I probably would have been shot by a passer-by. Anyway, I got to the clinic around 3, so I made it in time for his last walk-in appointment. I brought some food with me because I wasn't sure how long I was going to be waiting there. I was in and out in 30 minutes, including the time of the appointment. Not bad for a walk-in, considering I'm waiting there for like an hour when I have an appointment. I was having bad akathesia (still am) and was hallucinating pretty badly. My whole body was shaking and I was seeing bugs fly all over the place. Now I'm just down to my body shaking. The hallucinations have pretty much stopped, which is good.
Dr. Miller and I were talking about my medications. I'm on a lot of them (celexa, Congentin, risperdal, trazadone, Depakote, klonopin and Neurontin) and possibly going through a detox of them. I like the idea of it, but in actuality it scares me. It's not the possibility of seizures or being in the hospital for a while (if I do it in the hospital) but just things like: I don't sleep without my meds... I was on meds last night and still didn't sleep. What am I going to do for sleep? Or what if I get really depressed and have to wait 6 weeks for an antidepressant to kick in? What if I get suicidal or start having a really bad break with reality? The last time I was off my meds I had to go to the hospital because I couldn't take care of myself I was so far gone. I wasn't eating, drinking water or anything. I was just psychotic and hallucinating. I've been having bad mood swings that are driving me crazy (literally), I don't want those to come back.
I would love to be medication-free, though. Not having to worry about pills every morning and night, all the money I would save, and just free of that burden. I don't ever think it's going to happen, but a girl can dream, right? I just don't think this is the right time to be thinking about it, since I'm in the middle of an episode, but then again when I'm not in an episode what's the point? I'm going to do what Dr. Miller said and halve the risperdal and double the Congentin and see how that makes me feel. He gave me his phone number and told me to call him on Wednesday or Thursday. I was doing really badly when I saw him, so he was concerned about me. I told him I couldn't come see him again this month due to finances, but he was okay with me just calling him.
That's why I love Dr. Miller... he's okay with me cutting the corners when I have to so I can get care. I know the bad doctor would insist that I come back to see him and that I couldn't call him. The only time I think I would have to go into the office would be to get new meds, and that I have to go in since there's paperwork I have to sign. But if I do this detox thing, then I will be in the crisis unit (the hospital) and so I wouldn't have to pay for it. At least I don't think I will. I would have to talk to the people in billing to see for sure.
Food today was good, at least in my point of view. I was under my calories for the day, but I didn't burn all that I needed to so that I could lose weight. I may burn more in the week, but for today I didn't so it's okay to be a bit under my calories. I was close to where I wanted to be, though, in the high 1,200's. I want to be around 1,300 a day because that's when I was losing the most weight. I know I have to burn more though to lose still. It's just hard because I have no energy. I don't know what's sapping all my strength, but it's strong. This is the first full journal I've done all month. One day I didn't even write in my journal on the computer, I was so tired I just posted it to DS and was done with it. I'm still tired today... I cooked, but didn't want to. I took out the turkey to cook in a couple days since we are down to our last bits of food to eat and we don't know when we are going to get to go to the store. I may have to suck it up and go on the bus, but I don't know if I can do that in the state I'm in. It just takes so much energy! And that's something I don't have right now.
Dr. Miller and I were talking about my medications. I'm on a lot of them (celexa, Congentin, risperdal, trazadone, Depakote, klonopin and Neurontin) and possibly going through a detox of them. I like the idea of it, but in actuality it scares me. It's not the possibility of seizures or being in the hospital for a while (if I do it in the hospital) but just things like: I don't sleep without my meds... I was on meds last night and still didn't sleep. What am I going to do for sleep? Or what if I get really depressed and have to wait 6 weeks for an antidepressant to kick in? What if I get suicidal or start having a really bad break with reality? The last time I was off my meds I had to go to the hospital because I couldn't take care of myself I was so far gone. I wasn't eating, drinking water or anything. I was just psychotic and hallucinating. I've been having bad mood swings that are driving me crazy (literally), I don't want those to come back.
I would love to be medication-free, though. Not having to worry about pills every morning and night, all the money I would save, and just free of that burden. I don't ever think it's going to happen, but a girl can dream, right? I just don't think this is the right time to be thinking about it, since I'm in the middle of an episode, but then again when I'm not in an episode what's the point? I'm going to do what Dr. Miller said and halve the risperdal and double the Congentin and see how that makes me feel. He gave me his phone number and told me to call him on Wednesday or Thursday. I was doing really badly when I saw him, so he was concerned about me. I told him I couldn't come see him again this month due to finances, but he was okay with me just calling him.
That's why I love Dr. Miller... he's okay with me cutting the corners when I have to so I can get care. I know the bad doctor would insist that I come back to see him and that I couldn't call him. The only time I think I would have to go into the office would be to get new meds, and that I have to go in since there's paperwork I have to sign. But if I do this detox thing, then I will be in the crisis unit (the hospital) and so I wouldn't have to pay for it. At least I don't think I will. I would have to talk to the people in billing to see for sure.
Food today was good, at least in my point of view. I was under my calories for the day, but I didn't burn all that I needed to so that I could lose weight. I may burn more in the week, but for today I didn't so it's okay to be a bit under my calories. I was close to where I wanted to be, though, in the high 1,200's. I want to be around 1,300 a day because that's when I was losing the most weight. I know I have to burn more though to lose still. It's just hard because I have no energy. I don't know what's sapping all my strength, but it's strong. This is the first full journal I've done all month. One day I didn't even write in my journal on the computer, I was so tired I just posted it to DS and was done with it. I'm still tired today... I cooked, but didn't want to. I took out the turkey to cook in a couple days since we are down to our last bits of food to eat and we don't know when we are going to get to go to the store. I may have to suck it up and go on the bus, but I don't know if I can do that in the state I'm in. It just takes so much energy! And that's something I don't have right now.
Replies
How great that you were able to see the \"good doctor\" - the one you trust! Detox and going med free would be fantastic!
i really hope my comment goes through the mess im having with DS. what do you mean you are going through detox of some of your meds? are you not taking them? sorry, just a bit confused. dr. miller sounds like a great doctor, the kind looking out for you. i am so sorry about how you have been feeling and going through, i cant imagine having those hallucinations. which med is supposed to control those? i have come to the decsin a long time ago that if i have to be on meds the rest of my life and stay depression and anxiexty free so be it. sure i hope to be able to not be on them all, but i know i need them and yes they do cost money, its crazy, they have you stuck in a vicsious circle. i take a lot of meds too and it kills me money wise, luckily all but 2 are generic. i am sure you will, biut dont hesitate to call the doctor, the minute you feel something isnt right with the med change or anything. my psych/therapist is a doctor like that too, we have a rare breed of doctors. what time did you get to sleep when you woke up at 2:30? it is so hard to get exercise in when you are tired and not doing well. do you have any dvd\'s you can exercise to? cut yourself some slack, you are undergoing a really hard time right now, and you will get back to your walking. hugsss