Bad Day

Today I went to the pier with my stepdad and had a great time. We walked the boardwalk, went in to see the old merry go round, saw all the rides and the Ferris wheel, and went down and looked at all the shops they had along the pier. I bought a couple of magnets, one is a picture frame and I had someone take a picture of us sitting on the beach that I'm going to put in the frame. I just need to figure out how to get the pictures from the phone to the computer. I have the right cable, but my computer isn't recognizing the phone as a storage device. I think it's a problem with the drivers. I will have to go online later and see if I can get my phone recognized by my computer. I would hate to lose the pictures, and I know there has to be a way to get the picture from the phone to the computer. If I can't figure it out, I can have my brother try. I used to be the person that people would go to for fixing computers, and now I'm the one with little stupid problems that I should be able to solve but I can't. I guess I know where my self-esteem is today.
I think it has to do with my sleep. I didn't sleep well last night... I think the champurrado (the Mexican hot coco) I had might have had more caffeine in it than a regular American hot chocolate. I think it messed with my sleep because I had a lot of trouble falling asleep, and then when I did fall asleep I woke up shortly after and couldn't fall back asleep again. I ended up having to take klonopin twice last night... once at midnight and once at 6am. I just couldn't get settled. My stomach is upset a bit, and my mind is focusing on bad thoughts. I know sleep is essential to me, and this just shows it more. I get one night of bad sleep and I go from feeling great to feeling in the gutter. I feel bad showing huge mood swings in my faces here on Daily Strength, but I think today I'm going to have to make an exception. I just feel like pure and utter crap.
Earlier today I was able to fight off the bad thoughts a bit easier. After my dad died, we would go to Santa Monica pier on Father's Day and throw rose petals in the water to honor him, since we threw his ashes into the ocean off a boat in the Pacific. So going to the pier makes me think of my dad as well. Thinking back on it, it might not have been the best idea to go today when I was emotionally weak, but when I was there I was just thinking a bit of my dad and missing him a bit. We didn't go to that pier a lot with my dad, we went to another one to fish. This pier is more for the tourists than for fishing. I just thought “this is the ocean where we buried my dad”. I felt bad with my stepdad there, but I didn't say anything. I know he would be nothing but supportive, but I don't want him to feel like he's second place to my dad.
I just heard a song I should have fast forwarded, but I didn't feel like it. I felt like torturing myself I guess. It talks about suicide the way my dad killed himself (shooting himself in the head) and it's a graphic song. Now I'm even more depressed about it. I guess I can talk to Geo about it when I call him later, but I feel awkward when I'm on the phone with Geo. I guess it's because he can't hold me, and that's what helps me the most when I feel bad. I just need to feel his arms around me, hugging me and letting me know everything is going to be okay. I could get a hug from my stepdad, but it just wouldn't be the same.
Let's get back on track here... Food today was okay... I was within my calories and stuff according to my tracker, but I feel like I ate more than that. I feel like I'm way over my calories again. I had a couple chips for breakfast, a hamburger, fries and a shake for lunch and tomato soup with ground beef in it for dinner. I didn't eat many of the fries at lunch, and I did eat a big burger with a bunch of stuff on it that was really yummy, but I feel like I ate more than the calories it said. I guess it goes with the self esteem thing that's going on. Oh my God... My mom just had another mini-stroke... crap. This day just keeps getting better and better. I better go to sleep soon so things can stop happening... -sigh- I don't know what else to say.