Changes
I'm not the type of person who has put a lot of time into my physical appearance. I honestly don't care what people think of me. Or one would think by my appearance with tangled hair, clothing that doesn’t fit, and my head always down. It hit me in meditation the other night that I truly do care what others think of me. I just hate that it’s always the physical me, because what I look like on the outside when I’m dolled up, just is not me on the inside. I’m very complex and damaged, my thoughts run deep, and my love is blocked from fear. The line is that I EXPECT to be let down. I'm USED to being the center of someone else’s laughter at my expense. I’m USED to others giving up on me. So I gave up on myself pushing everyone away a long time ago. The complements are great, but it's hollow when I don't FEEL the way someone sees me. Does that make sense? I have made changes in regards to the way I look recently. No, not fancy dresses and parties, but trying to look a little bit better. The problem is still inside of me.
On another note, sometimes it's very hard to get out of bed. I think of Mark constantly and I wonder why when he's hurt me so badly. I long for his acceptance and love but fear he does not even love himself. I've tried to train my mind to forget about him and only think of the negative and hurt he's caused me for two years, but it's very hard to do because I know he can't be this heartless.. Can he?. When I get small amounts of sleep it's always something to wake me up. I woke up unable to go back to sleep with a sharp physical pain in my heart missing the good in him. He laughed when I cut and showed him in shame. I acted in anger telling him I hated him and saying hateful evil things because of how badly he's hurt me. Things that were untrue just to try to hurt him back. Truth be told I didn't mean anything that was said, but he believes every word. But the thing is that, I fogive him. It's not ignorance, It's just the fact that I know he is so much better than this, but he just doesnt see it in hiself. This causes me great distress and I'm so confused as to why.
I'm focusing on me though and can't stop what I have started. I won't allow myself to quit this time.
On another note, sometimes it's very hard to get out of bed. I think of Mark constantly and I wonder why when he's hurt me so badly. I long for his acceptance and love but fear he does not even love himself. I've tried to train my mind to forget about him and only think of the negative and hurt he's caused me for two years, but it's very hard to do because I know he can't be this heartless.. Can he?. When I get small amounts of sleep it's always something to wake me up. I woke up unable to go back to sleep with a sharp physical pain in my heart missing the good in him. He laughed when I cut and showed him in shame. I acted in anger telling him I hated him and saying hateful evil things because of how badly he's hurt me. Things that were untrue just to try to hurt him back. Truth be told I didn't mean anything that was said, but he believes every word. But the thing is that, I fogive him. It's not ignorance, It's just the fact that I know he is so much better than this, but he just doesnt see it in hiself. This causes me great distress and I'm so confused as to why.
I'm focusing on me though and can't stop what I have started. I won't allow myself to quit this time.
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