16 Years Today

It's sort of silly that I still get sad on this day.  After all, it's been a long time.  And I was only 7.  Most of my memories are second hand, and the only way to remember what he looks like is to gaze at the photo of my parents that hangs in my bedroom.
 
I worry that by the time Marlow is old enough to ask that I won't remember him enough to tell.  There are some things I don't think I'll ever forget.  Like snuggling up against his side while he watched the Jays, listening to the clink of ice in his drink.  Or like, no matter where his job took him he always brought me these little plastic sticker earrings.  They were gaudy things, like neon pink triangles, and sparkly silver circles.  You just stuck them to the lobe of your ear.  Man I loved those things when I was little!
 
Most of what I remember deals directly with his death.  I was a daddy's girl, and often I got what I wanted.  I remember crying and hanging off of his arm, begging him not to go.  To stay home.  To call in sick.  Let someone else drive the truck there.  Just stay home with us.  He calmed me down and promised me a barbie I had been asking for.  Then the last thing he said to me was 'don't worry, I'll be back.'
 
When they called us out of class I remember being mad.  Now I was going to miss reading.  My favorite subject.  My dad had promised me if I could bring home another A in it that he would take me book shopping.  At 7 years old I was reading Agatha Christie and Louis Lamour, I didn't like them, but thats what we had in the house.  All the schools are close together, so I met up with my older siblings on the walk home.  We mused about what could be waiting for us.  A suprise?  Maybe a special guest? 
 
Our mom wasn't even in the city.  She was doing her last year to become a red seal chef at SAIT.  We were staying with various people.  My little sister and I at a sitters, my brother at a friends, and my older sister...well who knows.  We were sort of excited that we were called home.
 
My aunt was there, she sat myself and my sister at the kitchen table and took the older two into the living room.  I couldn't hear her talking.  But in a few minutes my brother fled past us and up to his room.  And my older sister slammed out of the house.  Then my aunt came to us.  She asked me if we remembered where Uncle Rick had gone.   I nodded, my little sister was 5 and she needed some reminding.  Then she told us that our dad had gone there too.
 
It's amazing how fast a 7 year old brain can put two and two together.  For some unknown reason I crawled under the table to the very back corner, curled up in a ball, and cried quietly.  When my aunt told me that it was okay to cry I told her I wasn't.  My little sister came under the table and it came down on me to explain that she was never going to see her daddy again.  That he was dead.  The word my aunt had been hesitant to use.  I'm not sure if she got it 100% but she curled up beside me and we cried together.
 
My mum came home that night.  It was a 3 hour drive and I learned later that it took her 7 hours because she kept having to pull over from crying so hard.  We spent the night cuddled up with her.  My brother would not leave his room.  And my older sister didn't come home for weeks, save the funeral.
 
I remember that damn barbie he had promised me.  My grandma, his mom, bought it for me in a nice gesture.  But I hated that barbie.  She had a pink and gold mesh bathing suit.  And big gaudy plastic 'diamonds' on her suit front and in her ears.  I mutilated that barbie.  Mum caught me, I had already cut off all her hair and taken a sharpie to her body and bathing suit.  I gouged out her eyes and mouth and I was in the process of marking her legs up with my teeth when I was discovered.  That's when the shrink visits started.
 
I just want Marlow to know what sort of person her grandpa was.  And I'm not sure if I remember.  I wanted to take her to the grave, but we had a freak snow storm last night and there is now almost a foot of snow on the ground.  I can take her at a later date, I guess the date doesn't really matter.  I just always went today.
 
It's hard to want to go this time though.  I don't want to think about death while I'm just starting a new life.  My fiancee is at a high risk for premature death.  And when I think that Marlow could lose her dad young like I lost mine it makes me feel panicky.
 
RIP dad.  I sure wish Marlow could of met you, but when she's older, I'll tell her everything I know.

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That is such a sad story, I am so sorry that you had to go through that- praying for you today!