I threw up twice yesterday, something that used to not be a big deal to me.  But now it is.... as time goes on and I realize I'm doing it more and more each week.  Or how smaller things make me feel the need to purge.  I know I need to do something about this or it will just continue to progressively get worse, yet I can't even bring myself to tell my family just how sick I really am.  I really wish I knew how to tell my mom, but I can't seem to find a way to tell her that even though my family needs me so much right now, I'm sick enough that I need to be away for a while. I honestly think I need something more intense than outpatient ... but I'm scared of leaving my family to fend for themselves.  I'm scared of not being there when everyone depends on me so much.  My gram depends on me for everyday tasks, she's in a wheelchair. My mother is sick, and she needs me for support.  My aunt is leaving her husband of 20 years because he beat her and their daughter, she depends on me for a lot.
I feel as though with all these people depending on me it would be selfish to seek help in a way that would put me somewhere else.  I tell people who know that I don't get help because I'm not sick enough, I know it's a lie.  I hide behind that excuse because I don't want my family to know how sick I really am.  I don't want them to feel abandoned as I seek help for this.  I know I'm sick, I just can't bring myself to let everyone know how bad it really is.  Somedays, it feels like I'll never be better, that this will take over my life, Hell... it already has.  It's all I think about.  As the purging becomes easier and more frequent, it scares me even more.  Yet, because I feel it would worry her and she's ill, I can't seem to find a way to even tell my mother.