Crazy life..

What a crazy confusing couple of days. I guess I left off on Christmas day after I had called the OW and had not confronted my H about the new photo or me calling his other lover(soul mate is what she says). Any ways it was eating at me to say something to him. We had been kinda distant or at least not very affectionate all day.I tried to kiss him good morning and he turned his cheek to me and said he had morning breath, which has never bothered him before just for a peck. So later on when he was trying to touch me sexually I asked him if that's all I was. He rolled his eyes and said what now. Well I asked him why he lied to me about talking to her. I wasn't going to tell him how much little info I had hopefully so he would tell on himself if I acted like I new a lot. Well he told lies to try to make it all look innocent. First he said I only talked to her like 2 times for closure. Then what about the picture. And why would he download it..... it was a ugly picture anyways. I didn't believe the little lies he was feeding me so I told him that if he wanted he could stay the day for the kids sake and just leave tomorrow morning since it was Christmas. So he went and started packing. I sat there and cried because I wanted to stop him and hold him. What if he wasn't lying. I could loose the man I love because I couldn't trust him. But then his words got ugly. Blaming everything on me from years ago till now. I told him he was just spinning things around because he was guilty and had to blame other people instead of himself. He left very angry as I sobbed because I felt my life was falling apart and i felt like I just lost the most important person in my life. It wasn't ten minutes later and he was calling me because he changed his mind. Still he feed me lies because now he said he had to keep talking to her because she bought a car from his friend and stilled owed him money......lie...lie...and more lies. So I asked him if he had any more email acct. and he said he did and was crazy enough to give me the password...probably assuming he could erase all the messages before I got on it.....Nope! My world was rocked. There were so many messages between them. Also a new fake face book acct so the could share their love with no bother of the wife. I was past the hurt I was pissed this time. Because the posts he wrote where so intimate. He loved her, missed her. They exchanged song videos from you tube about there love. Puke! So then I noticed after I read as much as I could bare that he must have been on the acct deleting stuff to cover up his dirty tracks. To late. He called me later to do his begging  thing still not being truthful about everything. I told him what I read and he said he only did all that to keep her in the back just in case we didn't work out. Says he can't live without me. That I am his world. I was crazy enough to listen to this for about 55 minutes on the phone only so he wouldn't come over. Well he came over later anyways. His sorry he doesn't know what he was thinking. He loves me and can't live with out me. He said he would do anything.  Stupid me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said well if there is a remote chance the first thing he needs to do was call her while I was on the phone and tell her its over, not to contact him and that he wants to make it work with his wife. Well he did it without hesitation. Then he deleted all the extra email accts and fake face book. He staryed the night at his dads and posted so many things on my facebook expressing his love for me. I have to admit I love that because so many times I posted nice things on his face book and he never even commented to them. It always looked like our love was so one sided. He said I can give him hickeys every place to prove he was mine even though last week he threw a fit about me wanting to do that. Well now my children and family that know what happened all think I am a idiot trying again. Well I guess that's true. What else can I say. I agree. But I guess I am not yet ready to let go. I am still trying to grow from this and I think if we are not to be together that this just wasn't the time yet. I don't know...I am so embarrassed with my behavior. What the f~k am I thinking. I think this whole thing has made me a insane monster!! No rational thinking process is left in my brain. How could I consider this. He has a hold on me that I can't explain. We did go to church Sunday also. I don't know. I only know that it is only my fault if I let him do this again. All on me. Thanks for reading:)