His anger
Today seemed to start out ok. But the H was fighting anger issues all day. I thought he was keeping them under control and everything would be fine. Well my drunk brother stopped over and asked for a ride home so me and H figured we were going into town anyways. My brother was the one who saw my H at the OW's house...which led to the dday. And I never told either of my brothers of my H cheating because they might would hurt him. So I guess my brother told my H that if he finds out that he's cheating on his sister he would come after him. I guess that didn't set to well with my H. On the way home my H just went off about how the more he thinks about it that it pisses him off more and more. My H said he just wanted to tell my brother (and he was yelling this when he said it) "Yes I had sex with someone else and its on video, do ya what to see". I don't care how mad he was at my brother....he was just being protective of his sister. And does my H not think of the things that are coming out of his mouth that they hurt! Why would he care about hurting me...am I joken? He has no concept of it. And he is still pissed off. Driving crazy the whole way home. Throwing the keys in my lap when he left the car and slammed the car door. Now he is in the bedroom with the door shut. I am not running to him this time. I am tired of trying to do everything for him to make him happy while I was the one done wrong. Hes probably just looking for a excuse to be able to leave because his actions are not rational. Maybe he didn't want to be the bad guy so this way he can say he tried but it didn't work because of me. Or maybe he is just insane. Ruff day:( Not sure what will come of the rest of it. Oh I forgot he went to counseling with me last night. Went ok I guess. We gave him the option to decide if he wanted to come back next week. I don't know if he will because the counselor said we needed to work through the A and not sweep it under the rug like he wanted to do. He doesn't want to deal with it. I wish he new what he did, what I feel. I guess I thought that because we talk , go to counseling and he reads my journel that maybe he would understand what I am going threw. But yesterday the counselor said as she looked into my eyes that he will never understand what your going threw. It made me feel so alone in that room. Like nobody could understand the pain or million reasons why I feel like a basket case. It made me mad at him again. It's not fare he should know how he hurt me. Right now I feel like screw him. This is my life...What happened? Sorry if I am ranting but I feel better if I can share my pathetic story.
Replies
Your story isn\'t pathetic. It is sad and full of pain and anger but nothing about this is pathetic except for your H\'s behavior. And this rollercoaster is just beginning since your dday is so recent. You are going to have days where you say screw him and you are going to have days when you think we can do this. Either way you aren\'t alone on the ride and sharing with us will help you heal. Keep at the counseling if your have a good therapist who is helping you.
Make sure you listen to state, your story is not pathetic. You are being incredibly strong to go through this. It does calm down I promise. There are glimmers of light for you in all the darkness you are facing (I am tow years on and my wife has not been to counselling yet), and as things move on this glimmers may start to shine a little brighter. Wish you some strength today.
Don\'t give up, what you are going thru is normal. My H knows he hurt me, but I still don\'t think he fully understands the extent. Its not like a fight where you forgive, get over it and move on. The damage is deep and at times it feels like a grave you are trying to dig your way out of and somedays your H reaches a hand down to help-and some you feel like they just shoveled another pile of dirt on you. My H does read my entries and it has helped him understand some better-but then sometimes in my entries I will pretty much spell out what I need him to do, or things I need him to say to help me heal and he doesn\'t say or do them. So then I am left wondering-is it because he doesn\'t care enough to do it? Or is it just that it totally went over his head? I don\'t know, I am trying to be thankful for the small steps he makes. Your H is feeling alot of guilt and handling it poorly, maybe in counseling you can let him know that remarks like that may help him temporarily vent some of his anger but they just destroy any progress you make in healing.
Thanks guys:) You are all uplifting and it means so much.
Well last night I went and confronted him since he was still acting pissed off. He had mentioned previously that the reason he had so much anger before dday was because of the guilt. So now I think he wants to go back to the OW thats why hes acting this way so he can have a way out. So I told him again that what he said hurt me badly and thats why I yelled at him. I told him I want him here but he has to want to be here. Not because of the kids, pressure from the family but because he wants to be with me. He said he wants to be here when its good but not when its bad. Doesn\'t everyone have feelings like that sometimes? He says he is afraid to leave because if the next day he realizes he made a bad mistake then he\'s scared I won\'t let him back. We both stood in the bedroom with his black trash bag full of his folded clothes that hes been living out of for the past two weeks sitting on the bed of course me sniffling while tears kept running down my face...He asked if he could have a minute alone. I\'m thinking why is it so hard to make up his mind...Is it to hard to say good bye? I went to the bathroom to cry. About five minutes later he knocked on the door I opened it and he handed me the empty black bag that has held his clothes since I threw him out. He said you might want to put this up its still good. He finally put his cloths back in the dresser:) I just stayed in the bathroom crying. I dont know if we will make it but atleast his clothes are back..sounds funny but that means alot to me. Helps my insecurity. Oh and he did admit that what he said was wrong, he said it before he thought then got defensive after I yelled at him. remember me in your prayers friends!
That is a good sign. Its one step closer. It took my H a month after Dday to finally disclose all his secret email/hook up accounts and deactivate every one of them. They weren\'t secret to me because of the spyware, and he had stopped using them-but just having them open was a constant source of anxiety for me. Closing them out showed me he was one step closer to commiting to us again. One thing I pointed out to my H in the beginning was he only saw the OW in her best light. He didn\'t see any of the flaws cuz those don\'t come out in the beginning. We all initally think the other person we are attracted to is perfect but over time all our baggage comes out- so whatever unhappiness in himself and our relationship that made him distance himself from me and turn to her-well it was still gonna be there down the road if we split and all her baggage starts to come out! I think he already knew that deep down, but hearing it said made it real more. Communication is the key. As long as you both keep talking and are trying-there is hope. We are all so grateful for the small steps forward! Always in my prayers-Roni