SELF THERAPY SESSION # 1 CAUTION: WILL TRIGGER Tonight Ive been working on self-therapy. Setting minor goals for myself to achieve, using my dry erase board to help me keep track of everything, and working through them, but something about tonight just really hit my buttons, and I havent been able to stop writing, or moving all night long! I can't even go lay down in my own bed and stay still. Here's Why. LAST CHANCE: WILL TRIGGER. CAUTION WILL TRIGGER CAUTION WILL TRIGGER AAhhhh I love water, so beautiful and relaxing. What? Why is my world shaking? I open my eyes to a dark room, and him hovering over me. "Come with me" he says, I'm just a child, so all I know is to listen to adults. I follow. he leads me into his room, and locks the door. I sit on the bed. "Am I in trouble?" I think to myself. No, he just wants to play a game, I like those. I play along. He touches my leg, I think nothing of it. He touched higher, this doesn't feel right, but I've known him all my life, he wouldn't hurt me.... would he? He tells me to lie down, to relax, I obey. He tells me to take off my pajamas, I am scared. "I need to see that you're healthy your pajamas get in the way" he says. Stupid me.... I listen. He's touching me again, "Am I healthy?" I think to myself. "why is he touching me so low? I'm so cold. Why is he taking his clothes off?" I can't help but to think. He lays beside me, this doesn't feel right, I try to leave, he grabs me and pins me down. "Don't scream or I'll have to punish you." he says. Im quiet. He moves on top of me, I feel pressure "OUCH!! You're hurting me! What's happening?" I start to cry, but it doesnt affect him. Im torn, he starts to grunt and pant, and then I feel something warm inside of me. "WHY ME?" He lays beside me, and tells me he'll be back for me tomorrow night, and he was. Every night for 7 years he was there, and he got more and more aggressive. Yet, I cover the bruises, and I hide the tears. What else am I to do? I continue to grow up hiding the pain, I dont know what else to do. "we're moving" My parents FINALLY announce. I'm so relieved, overjoyed..ecstatic. I rush to pack. I leave behind my unused toys, my dusty dolls, but I bring my clothes, poems, and tears of joy. We're in a new place Im in a new school with new children, and now I have a personality. I don't trust. Every male is the enemy. They're waiting to hurt me. Months go by Halloween will be here soon, Im happy. Im in my costume getting candy. Im stopped and pulled into a van. NOT AGAIN!!!! This hurts, what am I doing wrong?! I begin to hide, I don't talk to people anymore, Im scared of them. A year goes by it'll be Halloween again. I'm staying home. I hear knocking at the door, but why? It's 11 at night whose this? Who cares? He just hit me, I fight back. Im knocked unconscious. When I wake I see the bruises, the blood, I feel that same liquid I felt before & then I feel depression. Why ME!?!?!?!?!?!?! What did I ever do?! I'm worth nothing, I have no meaning I want to die. I cut my wrists and see the blood. Why am I still living? I tie the rope, and begin to hang, but I am cut down. DAMMIT LET ME DIE!! Im tired of the pain. I stay cold to everyone afraid of what they would do to me. Then I try a friendship... seems to be going well. I like her, Shawn, she's my only friend. Her friend Brett comes over, they start frinking, I start drinking, Brett pins me, I yell NO I yell for HELP........nothing. He rapes me. I lose my trust, I cry. PLease won't you let me die? Time has passed, Im older now, but the worst of my wounds are the ones you cannot see. Because of my early abuse I try to find love in boyfriends. I try to find that missing link to "love" My first boyfriend Justin, really nice guy... turns out to be gay. Oops. My second boyfriend Daniel, I thought I had the world with him. Wait, something's wrong.... Oh shit, Im pregnant. He wore condoms... Oh shit. 9 months pass by, I birth a son. I see blackness, I am unconscious... I wake... where's my son? ADOPTED?! His father signed him away while I had no way to fight against it. Daniel leaves me. Scarred. ALone...Depressed. I had a couple more boyfriends in trying to find love, happiness.... no success. Then I find Alex. Strange character, he intrigues me. Chippy ok, I'll call him Chippy. He's handsome, he'd never like me back, not someone as ugly, and worthless as I. He doesn't see me that way. WOW! He tells me he likes me, does he know? Does he know I like him too?! I write him a note, pass it in the hallway.. Pray he's kind. We wind up forging a relationship. He's my rock, my guardian angel, my lighthouse in the storm... I think Ive found this "love" thing. My ex hands me a note... My GOd... I feel so guilty. Worthless. Horrible. I cry. I cry into Chippy's shoulder because I can't seemt o do anything else. Chippy gets mad.. he hates to see me cry. God, I love him. He's being arrested... WHAT?! NO!! GOD PLEASE DONT TAKE HIM FROM ME.!!! ..............................he's taken... gone. I am so weak now, my rock is gone. I'm not allowed to see him. Oh God its destroying me. Then another male comes into my life, he's paying attention to me. Wow! He's filling the void I feel. Do I love him? No. He comes and goes out of my life. Chippy's back!!! YAY!!!! Im still so weak. I welcome him home properly. 2 months go by... Oh God, Im pregnant again. But I love Chippy. Im not afraid. My dad finds out... SHIT. He takes me to the doctor, he's so mad. Dad pushes me to have an abortion. I die inside. Im even weaker. Less of a wretch than I already was. Katie, meaning well... introduces me to someone. Ok. He's making me feel like les of a wretch, and more like a human. Oh shit he likes me! Chippy... I need you. A relationship is started... Ive hurt Chippy... Oh God what have I done? Internal war. Months... a year... two... Full out war inside of my heart... Chippy or Ty? I choose, Chippy chooses another..... I am dead inside. I cut again. 42 cuts. Deep cuts. I cut my wrists as deep as I can, my legs, my calves, all trying to ease my pain. It doesn't even hurt anymore I promise. I begin to bleed... yet still I live. WHY?!?!?!?! I decide to try something else... oooooh Asprin... 30 asprin and a bottle of wine later... Im still here. DEar God, kill me.. please? Chippy talks to me again! Thank goodness for small blessings. He tells me to live if I love him. I'm still here. Though, I am dead inside.... Im still here. Life. Cruel. Harsh. Painful. Over.
Replies
Don\'t know what to say. Just no words. :\'( ((((HUG))))
I am not sure what you can do. All I know is you were badly affected by abusive people, your dad a lot of people. I don\'t understand how that could have happened. I have never been in this situation before. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I think that you are a very kind person that has pain, you still trust because you have let people come into your life yet you keep getting hurt over and over again and you have one true love and people are getting in the way of that. I think you have a very good goal to not do the cutting. You could see a therapist about this pain and see what you can do about it. I would like to be your friend and help you through this whenever you need me I will be there when you are sad.
I hope you will find a way to get therapy. I too was very moved by your story. I have been through a lot of crap as a kid...I want to share with you how I kinda got through it.
My dad was a timber cutter. I always went with him to the woods as young as I can remember. One day my dad was really getting tired, he had a bad back and it was really starting to hurt. In my love for him I wanted to help him. While he took a break I said, \"Daddy let me try to split this log\" We were gathering another load to sell. I had watched carefully and daddy had told me how it was done. I chopped and chopped and chopped on that log till you could not recognize where the natural split in the wood was. Exhausted I turned and said, \"I guess I can\'t do it.\" He said, \"yes you can, you can do anything you set your mind to.\" He said, \"are you going to let it beat you?\" I said again, \"I can\'t do it.\" He said, \"GET MAD, Try again\" I did with no luck. over and over again i chopped at that log getting absolutely NO where with it. In the back ground my dad is goading me on \"GET MAD! GET MAD AT IT! BEAT IT! IF YOU\'LL GET MAD ENOUGH YOU WHIP THAT LOG!\" I finally did get mad enough and split that log 3 times!
I guess what i am saying, is get mad at your past, stop letting it beat you, you can beat it! Get mad, do whatever you have to do, but get mad and stop letting it get you. You are a strong woman! Look what you have survived and you will be able to help others some day if you don\'t give up and let it win. Get mad, get even, so you can help others. YOU CAN DO IT, I KNOW YOU CAN, GET MAD! I am a christian, and i can not end this without saying if you do\'t know christ, he can heal all things if you let him. God bless you.
Oh Sweetie, I\'m so sorry you\'ve been touched by such abuse. Please try to seek out therapy so you can heal and go forward to a bright future. You\'re so beautiful and talented, and have such strength! I will continue to keep you close to my heart and in my prayers Jenn.
I\'m so sorry you\'ve had to go through all this hun. You are such a survivor, I\'m so glad you are still here. I\'m here if I can help in any way.
thank you everyone. all of these comments gave me back some of my strength to again heal my wounds.
I am sorry and I am grieveing for you. Even through all the pain I see your strength. You are a wonderful person that deserves the best and you will get it. Keep working on yourself and keep writing. I know writing for me was more helpful then anything else. Good luck.
I saw you\'re []Dost and read your journal..... and i cannot imagine the pain you\'ve been through or are going through... I want to try to write like this,, write what all happened... but anytime i even get close... it just triggers it and i can\'t get over it.... i still feel like i cannot get control back... and when i want to remember things i cant... and when i don\'t ... i can\'t get them out of my head...... im glad you could write all of that... *hug*
You have an incredible story and are so brave for sharing it. You have inspired me and I will keep you in my thoughts. Please don\'t give up. Keep writing and do what you need to take care of yourself.
you\'ve left me without words. i want to say so much to you. i want to hug you and tell you it\'s okay to feel all that you do. but i really don\'t know what to say. you\'re an amazingly strong person.
It took a lot of courage to share this. You are truly an amazing person. Believe in your strength! Believe that you are here for a reason! You are alive to inspire others as you\'ve just inspired me. Don\'t give up on life. It really can get better! You are strong enough to be alone - to be your own person. But with all of us here, you aren\'t alone.
Wow is all I can think after reading this. You are incredibly strong and brave. I really hope that writing this out and having people who are sympathetic and admire you helps you heal. You have been through a phenomenal amount of pain and abuse, it impresses me that you are still here, sane. Sure you may have \"issues\" in dealing, like SI, but you could have committed suicide, not just want to but went ahead and did it, you could be in an asylum. I\'m sure you been told this countless times, you should be incredibly proud of yourself. You are amazing and inspiring. I wish I could meet you and talk to you in person, you are incredible.
wow what u have been through is so words cant say but your still here and god will bless uuu and u will show others how to survie
own your demons then they can never overpower you hun well done!
You sure have been through a lot. No one should have to bear what you\'ve been through.
The one thing that comes to mind for me is the fact that despite what has happened to you, you have become an insightful and intelligent person - the grounds for much bigger things in life. I mean, it\'s really remarkable and we have to give you credit for seeing through with at least one of your gifts - writing. I am proud of you for that.
The other thing that comes to mind is that I don\'t want you to need a man to be happy. I want you to find that inner calm inside, and not rely on others to make you happy or fulfilled.
Yes, we as people do need other people to be close with. But in a case like yours, I\'d love to see you become who you are meant to become before you choose a man, or a man chooses you. I would like to see some of those raw wounds to be healed over first. Does that make sense? I don\'t want any of your life decisions to based on your past hurts, or even influenced by them.
I also like how Marie65 talked about how you can later show others how to survive.
I think it might be helpful to you to read what Dearest wrote in her journal on Dec 12th. It\'s not locked or anything - here is the link if it helps you find it faster:
http://dailystrength.org/people/117428/journal/657300