SELF THERAPY SESSION # 1  CAUTION: WILL TRIGGER Tonight Ive been working on self-therapy. Setting minor goals for myself to achieve, using my dry erase board to help me keep track of everything, and working through them, but something about tonight just really hit my buttons, and I havent been able to stop writing, or moving all night long! I can't even go lay down in my own bed and stay still. Here's Why. LAST CHANCE: WILL TRIGGER. CAUTION WILL TRIGGER CAUTION WILL TRIGGER AAhhhh I love water, so beautiful and relaxing. What? Why is my world shaking? I open my eyes to a dark room, and him hovering over me. "Come with me" he says, I'm just a child, so all I know is to listen to adults. I follow. he leads me into his room, and locks the door. I sit on the bed. "Am I in trouble?" I think to myself. No, he just wants to play a game, I like those. I play along. He touches my leg, I think nothing of it. He touched higher, this doesn't feel right, but I've known him all my life, he wouldn't hurt me.... would he? He tells me to lie down, to relax, I obey. He tells me to take off my pajamas, I am scared. "I need to see that you're healthy your pajamas get in the way" he says. Stupid me.... I listen. He's touching me again, "Am I healthy?" I think to myself. "why is he touching me so low? I'm so cold. Why is he taking his clothes off?" I can't help but to think. He lays beside me, this doesn't feel right, I try to leave, he grabs me and pins me down. "Don't scream or I'll have to punish you." he says. Im quiet. He moves on top of me, I feel pressure "OUCH!! You're hurting me! What's happening?" I start to cry, but it doesnt affect him. Im torn, he starts to grunt and pant, and then I feel something warm inside of me. "WHY ME?" He lays beside me, and tells me he'll be back for me tomorrow night, and he was. Every night for 7 years he was there, and he got more and more aggressive. Yet, I cover the bruises, and I hide the tears. What else am I to do? I continue to grow up hiding the pain, I dont know what else to do. "we're moving" My parents FINALLY announce. I'm so relieved, overjoyed..ecstatic. I rush to pack. I leave behind my unused toys, my dusty dolls, but I bring my clothes, poems, and tears of joy. We're in a new place Im in a new school with new children, and now I have a personality. I don't trust. Every male is the enemy. They're waiting to hurt me. Months go by Halloween will be here soon, Im happy. Im in my costume getting candy. Im stopped and pulled into a van. NOT AGAIN!!!! This hurts, what am I doing wrong?! I begin to hide, I don't talk to people anymore, Im scared of them. A year goes by it'll be Halloween again. I'm staying home. I hear knocking at the door, but why? It's 11 at night whose this? Who cares? He just hit me, I fight back. Im knocked unconscious. When I wake I see the bruises, the blood, I feel that same liquid I felt before & then I feel depression. Why ME!?!?!?!?!?!?! What did I ever do?! I'm worth nothing, I have no meaning I want to die. I cut my wrists and see the blood. Why am I still living? I tie the rope, and begin to hang, but I am cut down. DAMMIT LET ME DIE!! Im tired of the pain. I stay cold to everyone afraid of what they would do to me. Then I try a friendship... seems to be going well. I like her, Shawn, she's my only friend. Her friend Brett comes over, they start frinking, I start drinking, Brett pins me, I yell NO I yell for HELP........nothing. He rapes me. I lose my trust, I cry. PLease won't you let me die?  Time has passed, Im older now, but the worst of my wounds are the ones you cannot see. Because of my early abuse I try to find love in boyfriends. I try to find that missing link to "love" My first boyfriend Justin, really nice guy... turns out to be gay. Oops. My second boyfriend Daniel, I thought I had the world with him. Wait, something's wrong.... Oh shit, Im pregnant. He wore condoms... Oh shit. 9 months pass by, I birth a son. I see blackness, I am unconscious... I wake... where's my son? ADOPTED?! His father signed him away while I had no way to fight against it. Daniel leaves me. Scarred. ALone...Depressed.  I had a couple more boyfriends in trying to find love, happiness.... no success. Then I find Alex. Strange character, he intrigues me. Chippy ok, I'll call him Chippy. He's handsome, he'd never like me back, not someone as ugly, and worthless as I.  He doesn't see me that way. WOW! He tells me he likes me, does he know? Does he know I like him too?! I write him a note, pass it in the hallway.. Pray he's kind. We wind up forging a relationship.  He's my rock, my guardian angel, my lighthouse in the storm... I think Ive found this "love" thing. My ex hands me a note... My GOd... I feel so guilty. Worthless. Horrible. I cry. I cry into Chippy's shoulder because I can't seemt o do anything else. Chippy gets mad.. he hates to see me cry. God, I love him. He's being arrested... WHAT?! NO!! GOD PLEASE DONT TAKE HIM FROM ME.!!! ..............................he's taken... gone.   I am so weak now, my rock is gone. I'm not allowed to see him. Oh God its destroying me. Then another male comes into my life, he's paying attention to me. Wow! He's filling the void I feel. Do I love him? No. He comes and goes out of my life. Chippy's back!!! YAY!!!! Im still so weak. I welcome him home properly. 2 months go by... Oh God, Im pregnant again. But I love Chippy. Im not afraid. My dad finds out... SHIT. He takes me to the doctor, he's so mad. Dad pushes me to have an abortion. I die inside. Im even weaker. Less of a wretch than I already was. Katie, meaning well... introduces me to someone. Ok. He's making me feel like les of a wretch, and more like a human. Oh shit he likes me! Chippy... I need you. A relationship is started... Ive hurt Chippy... Oh God what have I done? Internal war. Months... a year... two... Full out war inside of my heart... Chippy or Ty? I choose, Chippy chooses another.....  I am dead inside. I cut again. 42 cuts. Deep cuts. I cut my wrists as deep as I can, my legs, my calves, all trying to ease my pain. It doesn't even hurt anymore I promise. I begin to bleed... yet still I live. WHY?!?!?!?! I decide to try something else... oooooh Asprin... 30 asprin and a bottle of wine later... Im still here. DEar God, kill me.. please? Chippy talks to me again! Thank goodness for small blessings. He tells me to live if I love him. I'm still here. Though, I am dead inside.... Im still here. Life. Cruel. Harsh. Painful. Over.