Wednesday
My 7 yr old showed me this morning that he can tie his shoes by himself and that made me so happy but it got me thinking about the little things that I used to share with my H, the kids milestones or funny moments. Since he is overseas I used to email him everyday just to keep him updated in family life, what was happening with me and the kids but now I dont write to him at all, he still calls me and we talk but I don't feel like sharing those moments with him. I want to tell him what the kids do but at the same time he lost that privilege, it was his choice, if he wants to stay in the kids life it is up to him not to me to keep that communication. It hurts not having that one person to share those milestones and moments, I still have my family but he is their dad and the one person that I wanted to share those moments with. Sometimes I get upset and overwhelmed with my kids since I'm on my own but I'm glad I get to enjoy my kids, I don't think he realizes how much he is missing out of his kids, I'm the one that get to see them crying, suffering and missing him but also their happiness and their love. I guess it would just take time to adjust to the fact that even though he is still their father our relationship is different now.
Replies
so sorry you are hurting but i agree with you he lost his place to be daily updated on the kids when he decided it was over. cograts to your baby for being able to tie his shoes!! keep your head up. i am trying to keep mine up.
I agree with memory30. Congrats on the shoe tieing! A big milestone for sure! We\'re here for you. :)
Thanks :) Some days better than others but not as miserable as they were 8 months ago
I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. You should be proud of your little one. I still remember that moment when my H taught our son how to tie his shoe. Those are sweet memory. We can never have those back. You are right, he chose not to be in the children life..He will miss out so much. Enjoy as much time as you can with your children. I cooked and baked with them.
My STBX and I live on different continents. It took some time, but I am now at the point where I can send him pictures. I do not tell him every little thing the kids are doing.
I did call him the other day on something rather large with my older daughter that I felt he had a right to know and weigh in on. Then I updated him on the situation as it progressed.
I bought my son this rather huge Lightening McQueen stuffed thing. The first night he insisted it had to sleep in bed with him. I took a pic of that and sent it to him knowing he would enjoy it.
I found that as I worked on me and as my confidence increased and as I worked on learning how to forgive (and incidentally the recovery, confidence and forgiveness are extremely correleated), I am able to update him a bit more than what I was one year ago when I had just ended the marriage.
My philosophy is that the kids have a right to a relationship with their dad. I have no business interferring in that relationship. As my confidence in myself and in my relationship improved, admittedly I was able to stop myself from meddling. I also have tried to look on this from their perspective. They did not want parents living in separate places, having to divide their time and attention. I worked really hard on forgiveness for myself and my children. I am not done yet, but am so much better.
Yes. STBX made his choices that caused me to end the marriage. The children had nothing to do with that.
Continue working on you, be gentle and understanding with yourself and you will get there when it is time for you to be there.
((((HUGS))))
I don\'t know if I would be able to forgive - I am working on moving on, on building a life of my own with my children. I don\'t interfere in their relationship, I do get upset that he don\'t call them more often cause he is always to busy working, I used to tell him that all the time but I don\'t tell him anymore, it is really up to him to maintain that communication. I am guilty of slipping once in a while in front of the kids when it comes to their dad, it has always been up to me to explain things to them, to deal with their emotions and sometimes anger gets the best of me.
When he ask about the kids I tell him what is going on I just dont volunteer information and if it something significant he will know.
Thanks!!!!
One gift I would give you right now is to make a book of all the little things to help your kids see your cherished moments of appreciation. You can still share the moments with their dad as you are. I agree with Karen about the recovery with the increase of confidence, and you are not forgiving him, you are forgiving yourself for your well-being. Always, always, try to be positive when explaining things to your children concerning their dad. From their perspective, it is so important that they trust that the information they get is the best and honorable (honesty with honor). The emotions you give them the trust, time, and strength to be open about will encourage them to be more confident when they need it the most.
You\'re doing great, here\'s to your continued healing!
Congratulations to your son\'s newly acquired skill! Reading that put a smile on my face immediately. I know how you feel; I used to be an open book with my stbx, offering up all the details about everything. Not any longer. He missed out on an entire summer\'s worth of our son, and that was HIS choice. And I know how difficult it is being the only one to be there to answer the kids\' questions. I am that person for our son. All summer long, he would ask, \"Where\'s dad? When will he be home? Who is he with? What is he doing? When will he be home?\" and all I could say was that I didn\'t know. \"Why don\'t you know, Mom?\" I had to explain to him that his dad did not like it when I asked him any question about that stuff, so I just didn\'t know. If he wanted me to know, he would say so. And I\'m not talking about hounding him with the third degree. All I used to ask was a simple, \"Will you be here for dinner?\" or \"Will you be home in time to say goodnight to (son)?\" I didn\'t care about the other details. I just wanted to know if our son could expect to see his dad for dinner and/or before bed. So he would get so pissed at me for asking those questions, that he told me to not ever expect him home for dinner and to never cook for him at all. FINE! SWEET!! So I\'d cook, then if he was home, he\'d come out, help himself to what I had made, then go take it back to his room to eat it. Then leave the mess for me too! Isn\'t he kind?! Then I started to make just enough for my son and for me. Too bad! (He had made the rules that I was not to cook for him, clean up after him, do his laundry, or anything...yet he left a trail of a mess everywhere he went, let dishes sit in the sink for weeks at a time...let things grow in dirty dishes...and he would mess up dishes just to cook himself something to eat...and leave them smelling in the sink.)
Be strong. Big hugs to you my dear.