Been a While
Well it has been a while since i have been here. I guess I just got wrapped up in the chaos of my life that I am now finally getting to breathe. Earlier this month my husband's uncle suddenly passed away at age 49. I just wish things would level out in my life. I have had to watch my boss become bigger and bigger and complain each day about being pregnant. All I think about is how I would have given birth to my second child on August 13th. It almosst seems like a lifetime ago to be honest. Having lost so much in the past 9 months (ironically) life has started to mean more than it ever did before. Having to say goodbye before I am ready is never easy and has been a lesson I have had to learn over and over again these past few months.
My first round of treatment at the fertility clinic didn't work. I took daily injections, took an injection in the back had doctor tools sticking out of me for them to tell me my blood work came back negative for a baby. So now I am on round two. I was told that very rarely does it take on the very first try and the doctors have more hope this time but part I guess has become cynical and thinks I have to not get my hopes up for anything anymore. My brother always says "a pessimist can't be disappointed only pleasantly surprised". I am starting to think he is right. This way I don't get hurt as much each time I have to start from the starting point with trying to have a child.
I know I having gone through all this medical stuff that I have become numb and almost cold to being intimate with my husband and trying to find myself before all this has got me stumped. I know I am lost when it comes to that part of me. I love him more every single day and more than i tell him and I tell him often how much I love him. But, there is a wall I have put up inside because of everything I have lost of that final step that makes a husband and wife one single unit. We had it. Before all the sadness it was there. But I let fear take me over especially when I feel something. I just need to focus on the light at the end of my tunnel. I can see it, now I just have to get my butt down there.
My first round of treatment at the fertility clinic didn't work. I took daily injections, took an injection in the back had doctor tools sticking out of me for them to tell me my blood work came back negative for a baby. So now I am on round two. I was told that very rarely does it take on the very first try and the doctors have more hope this time but part I guess has become cynical and thinks I have to not get my hopes up for anything anymore. My brother always says "a pessimist can't be disappointed only pleasantly surprised". I am starting to think he is right. This way I don't get hurt as much each time I have to start from the starting point with trying to have a child.
I know I having gone through all this medical stuff that I have become numb and almost cold to being intimate with my husband and trying to find myself before all this has got me stumped. I know I am lost when it comes to that part of me. I love him more every single day and more than i tell him and I tell him often how much I love him. But, there is a wall I have put up inside because of everything I have lost of that final step that makes a husband and wife one single unit. We had it. Before all the sadness it was there. But I let fear take me over especially when I feel something. I just need to focus on the light at the end of my tunnel. I can see it, now I just have to get my butt down there.
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