Been attending AA meetings for two days now, and for the first time in a very long time Ive felt some real hope for the future. At uni, the last 9 years have, in reality, been about nothing but booze. Ive picked up a few scraps of knowledge along the way, though very often I still feel like a sophisticated monkey who knows a few cheap linguistic tricks; tricks which have functioned to keep me here, and thus in a perpetual state of drunken hell, in which I have not grown spiritually or emotionally in the smallest way.  I guess the only thing Ive learnt - and maybe this is the biggest thing I could possibly learn for me, is that if I drink, bad things happen. And the longer I have continued to drink, the worse the bad things seem to get. I wish I'd gone sooner. And dont get me wrong, I often thought I should go. The thought had even occurred to me I was an alcoholic. But I only thought as such in a very irresponsible kind of way.  Two particular thoughts were: 'Yes, I might drink a lot, yes maybe Im an alcoholic, but loads of clever and creative are'. Or 'Oh no. I might be an alcoholic but how absolutely appalling that would be. What would my parents think? No, I cant be. Just try and control it'.  Until I actually admitted it to a group of people - and I sure found it difficult saying the words 'Im Paul and Im an alcoholic' for the first time - I never truthfully understood what admitting it really meant.  I  probably still dont fully (Ive only attended 2 meetings and Im at the very beginning).  The truth is, I still dont know where the hell all this is heading. I dont know if Ill relapse. But the great thing about AA is,  I dont need to think about any of that. I dont need to worry that if the PhD doesnt get finished Ill start binging. Or if my relationship goes wrong Ill start binging. Or if Ill be able to manage Christmas, birthdays, graduations without binging.  I thank God that all I need to concern myself with is the next day, hour or even minute of sobriety, and work with that. I find this an incredibly empowering way of thinking not just about alcohol, but a lot of 'problems' in my life. Im now looking forward to attending tomorrows meeting.  Hope eveyone's ok.  xx