I'm feeling vulnerable today, I had another nightmare last night. I wish I could stop them. I feel so many emotions in my nightmares and the next day I feel all anxious. I don't know who to talk to, I don't know who I can trust. People can turn on you. I could say something to some ne and then later on they might just decide to use it against me - been there done that in the past. My mum always wanted me to confide in her, but when I did, she would turn on me the minute we 'weren't friends'. She would contact my friends mothers and tell them I was a bad seed and then my friends parents wouldn't like me. I had a best friend a few years ago who betrayed me. I told her everything (except about the abuse - thank God), she gossipped what I told her and used everything she could against me for her own personal gain. And then there is my lovely cousin, who held a knife at my throat because he thought I had told somebody about us (which to this day I'm convinced I didn't). When I was anorexic, I learnt quickly how to manipulate the 'system' tell them want they want to hear and they will leave me alone'. So that's what I did. I put the weight back on without a fight and they let me out of hospital and then I went straight home and lost it. So this is me, wanting to ask for help and not knowing what to do. I feel like I'm on the inside screaming to get out and I feel like the outside of me is pushing everything back in. I haven't seen the counsellor for a while. I haven't heard from her either. I want to be important to some one but I want to be invisible too. I want some one to notice and help me, but I want to be left alone. That's what helped me stop being annorexic. I realised people would leave me alone completely if I let it go. After 7yrs of it I didn't need it anymore. Anorexia taught me how to not feel my emotions, but after 7yrs, I could do it on my own. So as I became healthy I still felt nothing. I have to keep it all together. I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a uni student, I'm a performing arts teacher. On the outside I have it all. On the inside, there's a void. My mother wanted an abortion when she fell pregnant with me. Sometimes I wish she had done it. I have many blessings in my life and I'm very grateful for them, but I don't know how to enjoy them freely. I feel like I'm driving without a lisence on days like today.
Replies
Mysticrose,
I haven\'t the wisdom to respond, except to say, please keep posting. Nothing you have written is shocking, surprising, or abnormal, as far as I\'m concerned.
I really \'get\' the bit about screaming on the inside, and about wanting to be invisible. I\'m not anorectic, but I do eat for comfort. I\'m a wife, a mother, a teacher.
My mother was unwanted...allegedly I myself was a wanted child, but apparently I didn\'t do my \'job\' fixing my parents\'s marriage. So I feel a permanent sense of unworthiness.
A family member once tried to kill me, when I was a teen. I don\'t know if that\'s much like your experience of a knife at the throat, but in my case the weapon was a knife and everything was denied later, when the police came. So I was made out to be \"mistaken.\"
Love from friends, the kindness of strangers, serendipity, and the creative arts seemed to work for me. Even, curiously, work itself was therapeutic.
And on days when I\'m driving without a license, I breathe very deeply, and sometimes am deliberately late.
Not a prescription. Just a description.
I\'m relating to what you are saying. I\'ve felt recently that I don\'t understand why I was born and that perhaps the world wouldn\'t have missed me if I weren\'t here. Then I think of the two kids I have. I need to try to hang in there for them so that I don\'t pass on the same kind of garbage that I got from my family. It helps so much to post and read here. Keep writing. This is a wonderful way to know that we aren\'t alone and that we really do matter to someone--even if we may never meet in person.
I too can really relate to what you have said here and almost feel a bonding with you . Maybe because our childhoods seem so similar. I dont like to talk about the sexual abuse much as it was my own father and I was the only daughter with 1 older brother and 1 younger brother.Neither ever tried to help save me from the abuse and their room was right next to mine.
I also had my firstborn daughter die at birth which was a most horriffic experiance that I never thought I would recover from.Had 4 daughtersin the ten years after that. Joy Joy Joy Joy but they are grown up now and all with guys of their own.
Srry to ramble on so .
Love
Susan