well it's 2am and I can't sleep, been tossing and turning and thought to hell with it and got up and came on here.  I've so had enough of life right now.  It's all too hard, but there is no excuse not to keep going, I'm just sick of it being an uphill battle.  There doesn't seem to be a smooth period, there is always some issue or something to take care of or something to worry about.  I miss not having some one in the flesh to talk to and be on my side, like a parent.  My mother was never there anyway, she left several times when I was growing up, then she would come back again and want a relationship with me as if she never left - yeah right, how does that work??  Hence we were never close.  She blamed me for their marriage breakdowns because I was very close to my dad and I think she was jealous because I could talk to dad, but she wasn't there half the time, what did she think that would do to our relationship.  Plus there were the beltings that she would dish out way too easily, that didn't help our relationship either.  Dad was there for me, he didn't leave - she did.  It was while my mum left that I spent school holidays with that lovely cousin of mine.  He had access to me 24/7.  He used to date other girls and then come home and hop into bed with me.  I remember that, we all went out one night, a group of teenagers hanging out having fun, he hooked up with one of the other girls, (a bit younger than me), then when we got home and I got settled into bed, guess who comes in.  That other girl obviously didn't like my cousin either because she decided not to hang out with us next time, her brother was in the group and he told my cousin she didn't want to come, that's that.