Well this weekend was probably the worst I've had for a long time.  I've just had issues with everyone.  Gotta start wondering whether it's them or me.  Days like these I just wish I didn't exist.  I love my kids and I would never leave them like my father left me but it would be easy to give up if I didn't have them.  I just hate dealing with issues and people.  I'm not good at it and kids seem to find issues EVERYWHERE and then come to the adults to sort it out.  I hate it.  I try to be diplomatic but at times I just want to slap some people.  I'm really grumpy.  I've decided to face a lot of things in my life.  I'm convinced my husband is an alcoholic.  I love him tremendously but I'm so sick of dealing with other shit.  I'm tired of being the strong one.  I have my own issues and I want to be left alone.  I had another nightmare the other night.  Don't think they'll ever end.  Just another reminder of my wonderous life.  I told myself as I was growing up and especially when I was annorexic that life would get better, life would get better, but I don't know if it really does.  I feel like I've been dealing with something forever and I'm tired.  Been thinking about what the counsellor said, she found it interesting that even though I had experienced so much pain, I always had a lovely warm smile.  I've heard that before, when I was annorexic and seeing a psychiatrist, she said the same thing when I was telling her about my mother's abuse towards me and the domestic violence between my mum and my dad.  She said that some of my experiences brought her close to tears yet I sat there with a smile on my face.  That was when I was 17yrs and I'm now 38yrs.  What the hell is wrong with me.  Did I disconnect so much with everything?  I've been that way for years.  Will I ever get any feeling back?  When I remember things that happened to me, I don't feel very much emotion at all.  It's like an empty feeling.