I went to see the counsellor the other night.  She's the church counsellor and I told her what was going on with me and she suggested I see some one more on top of the issue like a psychologist.  She said she will do what she can but her counselling knowledge is mostly for 'general' things so I'll see how it goes.  I told her what I remembered which isn't a lot.  I told her about him tying my hands with his belt because I wouldn't keep still.  I do remember the surge of fear that went through me and how guilty I felt that I had brought it on myself.  He did warn me that he would do it if I didn't stop squirming.  I felt quilty about being blindfolded too, he said he couldn't concentrate with the look in my eyes so he had to do it.  I remember he kissed me after he had tied my hands and blindfolded me and told me to trust him.  He said he was doing me a HUGE favour because I was too inexperienced with sex stuff and boys like experience.  I don't remember what happened after that.  I think I remember more today and I feel strange about it all.  I'm more mad with myself than at him and I don't understand it.  I don't know why I let him do it.  I know he was stronger than me, they lived on a farm and he was very strong.  He could pin me down and hold me there and still have one hand free and if I flinched, his grip tightened but I still feel like I should have done something.  I guess i was scared to do something and i dind't want either of us to get into trouble.  He was also a great friend at other times and I didn't want to lose my friend.   I'm considering dropping out of Uni, I wanted to become a psychologist to help people because I've experienced quite a lot in my life.  I think it's too hard though because everytime I'm confronted with something I want to throw up or I can't breathe.  She told me not to quit but it's not that simple.  I don't want to relive everything everytime I read about something or some one brings up something similar and that's what it will be like.  i'm on a semester break right now so I'll make up my mind over the break.  I have nightmares about being held against my will.  I have them often and I wake up sweaty and my heart is racing.