It's been raining since yesterday.........nice, quiet gentle rain.
Me? I've been thinking. Why do some people see others as a target? Is it a general sense that someone who is struggling in this world should be kicked off every island they approach. Not given a safe haven?
I don't mean to sound vague. The treatment I received at the repair shop was rough. And it kicked off some thinking about recent events. When I am up to it, I go out with my chin up, my shoulders squared, a smile on my face.......I look people in the eye......convey a smile....a sense of joy. When I'm pushing to do......when I'm in pain I don't have as much energy to smile, to lift my head up, to be as friendly........my persona is sparse. It is hard when I am in this wounded zone.........it takes all that I have to concentrate on the immediate task of being/breathing. Usually when I am this way I just stay right here, life doesn't always afford us that luxury.
Is it that I am not as thick skinned as I used to be? Well, to tell you the truth I didn't feel like I had to be. Most of the time people are decent and kind, good to me and I could feel a sense of belonging, of acceptance. Now that I am weaker.......I think the pack knows and pushes me around. I don't express myself as well in person most of the time. It is only when I am still and quiet.......like now......listening to the steady soft rain drops that I feel like I can speak. Have a voice.
I've been the recipient of short outbursts......they feel like bullets pummeling my spirit. When a person cuts you off, their voice gets drawn, curt and tight. I think what just happened? I was always a people person, a communicator.......a problem solver. Why do people think that it is alright to run over someone who is hurting? They may not know what it is that is different, but somehow they sense that you are the horse with the broken leg.........that you are a wounded animal in the open field and the vultures circle ever closer. Do people want the weaker put down? Do they dismiss us, not see that we have value? My shell is weaker than many, I get that. And my tender feelings ache when I am overlooked or railed upon.
There is a sadness..........a sense that I should crawl away.......into the hills and seek the shelter of a cave. Or seek the water........float away on a small boat into the darkness as mist claims my lingering presence.....
How can I be stronger on the days when I am in a heap of trouble physically? How can I withstand the slings and arrows? I have all these books......books to share how to claim a best or better life. Yes, I pray, I read, I turn to my Bible.......the isolation is robbing me of something that I must need to be a part of this world. The day after day of alone is taking something away. I don't belong here anymore and yet I am to remain as long as God sees fit. He is in charge, but my tender spirit feels all the thorns of this life..........it hurts so much sometimes.
When your life loses it's structure, loses it's ability to plan and go and do.........I don't know.......I sit here in the darkness of early morning and I contemplate it all. I wonder if this little light of mine can shine brighter than the darkened spirits of many that I encounter in the world. I have to be fearless, I have to be stronger than naysayers......I have to be more not less able because of my challenges. Here in this room they are challenges.........out there.......I am disabled, slow moving, quiet, silent. I am different......singled out and yes sometimes targeted.
God can help me regroup.........my gait has changed so much in the last couple of years. I think at least I can.....walk, be mobile even though it's hard, I can. But out there, I don't think people see it as a valiant effort........they just see someone that can be pushed off the island.
And yes, I also wonder if I am going to let the pity pot swallow me up, it's not really my nature. I am more about hey kiddo, you had a few tough days.....it will get better.......the sun will shine, the sky is a beautiful blue........try to see the world as a promise, a place of hope. Stay out of the rabbit hole and claim a happier outlook.........it will be back.........just need a few more days to turtle up. Self protection is not always a bad way to go when you feel bruised and broken. Got my arms and legs and little turtle head all pulled in.....got the white flag waving in case the enemy approaches.
I know I need to rest and be in bed mostly......like a small child I feel anxious and tussle in the blankets trying to get comfortable. Slow down, shhhhhhhhhh. It will get better........it will. Be ye not afraid Sparrow......xoxoxoxo
Me? I've been thinking. Why do some people see others as a target? Is it a general sense that someone who is struggling in this world should be kicked off every island they approach. Not given a safe haven?
I don't mean to sound vague. The treatment I received at the repair shop was rough. And it kicked off some thinking about recent events. When I am up to it, I go out with my chin up, my shoulders squared, a smile on my face.......I look people in the eye......convey a smile....a sense of joy. When I'm pushing to do......when I'm in pain I don't have as much energy to smile, to lift my head up, to be as friendly........my persona is sparse. It is hard when I am in this wounded zone.........it takes all that I have to concentrate on the immediate task of being/breathing. Usually when I am this way I just stay right here, life doesn't always afford us that luxury.
Is it that I am not as thick skinned as I used to be? Well, to tell you the truth I didn't feel like I had to be. Most of the time people are decent and kind, good to me and I could feel a sense of belonging, of acceptance. Now that I am weaker.......I think the pack knows and pushes me around. I don't express myself as well in person most of the time. It is only when I am still and quiet.......like now......listening to the steady soft rain drops that I feel like I can speak. Have a voice.
I've been the recipient of short outbursts......they feel like bullets pummeling my spirit. When a person cuts you off, their voice gets drawn, curt and tight. I think what just happened? I was always a people person, a communicator.......a problem solver. Why do people think that it is alright to run over someone who is hurting? They may not know what it is that is different, but somehow they sense that you are the horse with the broken leg.........that you are a wounded animal in the open field and the vultures circle ever closer. Do people want the weaker put down? Do they dismiss us, not see that we have value? My shell is weaker than many, I get that. And my tender feelings ache when I am overlooked or railed upon.
There is a sadness..........a sense that I should crawl away.......into the hills and seek the shelter of a cave. Or seek the water........float away on a small boat into the darkness as mist claims my lingering presence.....
How can I be stronger on the days when I am in a heap of trouble physically? How can I withstand the slings and arrows? I have all these books......books to share how to claim a best or better life. Yes, I pray, I read, I turn to my Bible.......the isolation is robbing me of something that I must need to be a part of this world. The day after day of alone is taking something away. I don't belong here anymore and yet I am to remain as long as God sees fit. He is in charge, but my tender spirit feels all the thorns of this life..........it hurts so much sometimes.
When your life loses it's structure, loses it's ability to plan and go and do.........I don't know.......I sit here in the darkness of early morning and I contemplate it all. I wonder if this little light of mine can shine brighter than the darkened spirits of many that I encounter in the world. I have to be fearless, I have to be stronger than naysayers......I have to be more not less able because of my challenges. Here in this room they are challenges.........out there.......I am disabled, slow moving, quiet, silent. I am different......singled out and yes sometimes targeted.
God can help me regroup.........my gait has changed so much in the last couple of years. I think at least I can.....walk, be mobile even though it's hard, I can. But out there, I don't think people see it as a valiant effort........they just see someone that can be pushed off the island.
And yes, I also wonder if I am going to let the pity pot swallow me up, it's not really my nature. I am more about hey kiddo, you had a few tough days.....it will get better.......the sun will shine, the sky is a beautiful blue........try to see the world as a promise, a place of hope. Stay out of the rabbit hole and claim a happier outlook.........it will be back.........just need a few more days to turtle up. Self protection is not always a bad way to go when you feel bruised and broken. Got my arms and legs and little turtle head all pulled in.....got the white flag waving in case the enemy approaches.
I know I need to rest and be in bed mostly......like a small child I feel anxious and tussle in the blankets trying to get comfortable. Slow down, shhhhhhhhhh. It will get better........it will. Be ye not afraid Sparrow......xoxoxoxo
Replies
I too wonder about these things... Some people even mistake kindness or ignorance for weakness, hurt the person, vote them off the island.... as if everyone \"not me\" is fair game. I think high school is a great example of this behavior. With all we are, why behave like psycho chimps? i do not know. I do not like that I am more suspicious, though oddly less fearful, than when I was young.
John Donne I believe wrote No man is an island unto himself.... Before voting others off the island, we might want to ask who will be left on the island with us at the end... If you do not mind, Sparrow, the Lioness will share island with you.
Dear Sparrow, may the morning wind lift your wings.
I loved what you wrote: (it put my own feelings into words!)
There is a sadness..........a sense that I should crawl away.......into the hills and seek the shelter of a cave. Or seek the water........float away on a small boat into the darkness as mist claims my lingering presence.....
And then this (me too:)
When I am up to it, I go out with my chin up, my shoulders squared, a smile on my face.......I look people in the eye......convey a smile....a sense of joy.
(this makes it even harder to understand why people are mean to someone showing them kindness and joy ...)
I totally have the same issues ... needing to be a part of the world, yet the world doesn\'t seem to want me the way it should. Doesn\'t see my value as it should.
I do think there are times when we must self protect and hibernate in the cave. Other times we have to venture out in faith, take a little risk and reach out to someone. Thank good ness the holy spirit gives us discernment about this. Lately I feel him saying to me ... you reach out and I\'ll give you the energy you need to back you up. Huh. novel idea. But not all months are like that.
sheesh. If I lived nearby, know what I\'d do. I would come over, make you some mac n cheese, maybe some hot cocoa, plop in \"Sleepless in Seattle\" and we\'d watch surrounded by comforters and pillows and be pillow queens as of my friends calls it. Sounds nice huh?
yes, it will get better. yes it will.
OK, so, I have some very definite ideas about this, seeing as I study psychology. And I truly believe when someone is weaker than the others, some can almost smell it out and for whatever ridiculous caveman reason, they must pounce. I\'m generally a strong, outgoing person. When I was in my weakest state in school, I got pounced on and it led me to have to change my major. I had never NEVER EVER experienced such cruelty from people who were supposed to be helping me get my PhD but instead just threw up roadblock after roadblock until I had to give. Everyone who knew the story said it was wrong and I was mistreated. What was I to do?
Luckily, I\'m in a gentler, kinder program now but it\'s not going to lead to my dream job. It doesn\'t lead to what I want to do for the rest of my life. WOW I didn\'t mean to whine here. sorry!
We are here for you and I truly consider it a blessing that you are my friend. I\'m sorry there are those cavemen out there. I think we all run into them. I guess the difference is how we handle it. They can\'t destroy you because we are here to back you up. They are super-unenlightened and are probably miserable inside. Why else would they need to feel good by being mean to others? In the end, you can find happiness while they never will. And that\'s sad.
hug hug
Ruthie, You have a voice always! This week a short tempered nurse cut me off mid-explaination (one that she asked for) and I retorted with, excuse me but I was not finished speaking yet-that made her stop for a minute and then she just walked away. Rudeness seems to rule these days and then we run across someone as beautiful as you. WE will rule that island, remember the meek shall inherit the earth. I love who you are and hate it that you are hurting and smarting from the undignified way you were treated. Always remember when you turtle up that God loves you and so do all of us here at DS. You count now and always. Love and hugs, Connie
when dog become sick ever noticed how anxious become around other vulnerable guess people see sick as vulnerable .I know without shadow doubt see it in every day life , rudeness lack empathy like somehow it my fault or some Karma I am owed be kind I say every one
I would love to be your friend :)
God has eased that pain and is helping me to bloom in this red Georgia clay..........I think I will always miss the rich black dirt of home though.
beautifully put.
Your Nascar Kitties made me smile. They are lucky to be living with you.
God has eased that pain and is helping me to bloom in this red Georgia clay..........I think I will always miss the rich black dirt of home though.
beautifully put.
Your Nascar Kitties made me smile. They are lucky to be living with you.
Serce. My computer is going loopy or maybe it is me. This response is to a different journal post.
Yes, don\'t be afraid. This feeling is one we all have to deal with when we are ill as is the pity thing. We are challenged and learning.