Sometimes it is really hard. It just is. Hard to keep up with a day. Hard to participate in life at all. I try to project, then embrace gratitude. I try to find rainbows to slide down and I try to imagine that the brain fog is pink cotton candy sometimes........not a part of a prison like existence. I recognise the comforts of home, I am not a totally crazy old fool --- there are times when I feel too much. Too exposed, too vulnerable and overly emotional about it when the pain is ramped up, the fire is out of control.......fire can become destructive quickly. I try to continue to practice self care, self acceptance, patience.........I try. I don't always succeed.
It is kind of a shame that there is no Mommy, no Daddy at this point in my life. That tuck you in soothe the soul feeling that all is well in the world, that the planet spins safely as you hear the words, "Pleasant dreams."
It wasn't all roses growing up, there were some particularly tough thorny patches........
I was reading this book, a random purchase about a woman and her family, the secrets from childhood, the troubles and some parts of it were eerily familiar. It was as if this author had spoken to me about the bad stuff and weaved it into her book. Life is strange sometimes.
In the book it talked about how she was stuck in time. Always waiting for that bonding time with her Mother. Always waiting and unable to completely move forward. I have made huge strides, don't want or need to live with decades of the past in my daily travel plans for the life I lead now. But that book made me think............is that why I am so gentle, so full of hope that life will be better.....if I can emulate the good mother, the patient mother, the loving, caring mother that I needed so much, can I find total peace? God can give peace like no other. No amount of anything I do can give me the peace that God can.
This is a personal ramble, feeling raw and tender...............sometimes I want to be tucked in and fussed over. That doesn't mean I am falling apart, I think it means that I want better.........that better includes having people who check in on you regularly so they know what is going on.
My stomach hurts, sleeping a lot because of the pain and all the rain.......barometricallly challenged, CFS ramped up, Fibro pin cushiony bruised feeling and those pesky little back troubles...........I need to sleep on pillowy clouds and wait until I feel better. These ramped up feelings are not the definition of who I am. I'm just in a flare and it makes everything a little bit tougher.
Talking myself through things helps..............I was awake today from 1:30 until 4 or so. It upsets me, gotta lean in to it all.............lean in and float, relax, chill out ..........be kind, be gentle, be respectful, be ok with the way it is sometimes. The road is long..............a long and winding road right........so we must treat ourselves like a brother......and carry our spirits along with our hurting bodies to a quiet still place...........to nurture the faith and the ties of our own personal beliefs.
God can still the child in me, God can tuck me in..........God can do what I cannot. I try, fail, try fail and then I say Hello God, it's me, little sparrow here, can we talk awhile?
Good night friends, good night moon.
I don't know when I will be sleeping, but I am going to stop sticking pins and needles into my ju ju doll like self now and take it easy peasy easy................xo
It is kind of a shame that there is no Mommy, no Daddy at this point in my life. That tuck you in soothe the soul feeling that all is well in the world, that the planet spins safely as you hear the words, "Pleasant dreams."
It wasn't all roses growing up, there were some particularly tough thorny patches........
I was reading this book, a random purchase about a woman and her family, the secrets from childhood, the troubles and some parts of it were eerily familiar. It was as if this author had spoken to me about the bad stuff and weaved it into her book. Life is strange sometimes.
In the book it talked about how she was stuck in time. Always waiting for that bonding time with her Mother. Always waiting and unable to completely move forward. I have made huge strides, don't want or need to live with decades of the past in my daily travel plans for the life I lead now. But that book made me think............is that why I am so gentle, so full of hope that life will be better.....if I can emulate the good mother, the patient mother, the loving, caring mother that I needed so much, can I find total peace? God can give peace like no other. No amount of anything I do can give me the peace that God can.
This is a personal ramble, feeling raw and tender...............sometimes I want to be tucked in and fussed over. That doesn't mean I am falling apart, I think it means that I want better.........that better includes having people who check in on you regularly so they know what is going on.
My stomach hurts, sleeping a lot because of the pain and all the rain.......barometricallly challenged, CFS ramped up, Fibro pin cushiony bruised feeling and those pesky little back troubles...........I need to sleep on pillowy clouds and wait until I feel better. These ramped up feelings are not the definition of who I am. I'm just in a flare and it makes everything a little bit tougher.
Talking myself through things helps..............I was awake today from 1:30 until 4 or so. It upsets me, gotta lean in to it all.............lean in and float, relax, chill out ..........be kind, be gentle, be respectful, be ok with the way it is sometimes. The road is long..............a long and winding road right........so we must treat ourselves like a brother......and carry our spirits along with our hurting bodies to a quiet still place...........to nurture the faith and the ties of our own personal beliefs.
God can still the child in me, God can tuck me in..........God can do what I cannot. I try, fail, try fail and then I say Hello God, it's me, little sparrow here, can we talk awhile?
Good night friends, good night moon.
I don't know when I will be sleeping, but I am going to stop sticking pins and needles into my ju ju doll like self now and take it easy peasy easy................xo
Replies
You are a rainbow in my life! You can do for me what I can\'t do for myself. I\'m hard on myself. I\'m an adult dammit! I should be able to take care of myself and earn a living and take care of hubby and the house and the kittens. You remind me it\'s OK to take care of myself. In fact, I HAVE to take care of myself first.
So here\'s my turn to return the favor. You are not always going to feel this bad. Remember a time that you felt better. You can get back to that. I don\'t know when it will be, but it will be.
If I could come and tuck you in I would. Wouldn\'t it be great if we lived closer together and on those days when you magically want a pizza to show up, I could deliver one? And on days I needed someone to lean on, you\'d be there or perhaps some days we\'d lean on each other as we hobbled down the aisles of the local grocery store. I could remind you to wash your hair with shampoo first, THEN condition and you could remind me to be nicer to myself. Our kitties would play in the sunshine...
So think of that. I\'ll be your imaginary (but yet real) friend to help you out.
Sleep well! I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, my friend.
hug hug
\"If I could come and tuck you in I would.\"
ditto
The biggest thing I have learned with CFS is to be that loving mother to myself ( like you have) and often it is hard to do. When it is hard I ask for strength and that strength can come in many forms.
You will feel better!
I think we are twins in a lot of ways. I can totally relate to you and your sleep and pain issues. I can relate in what you said about wanting better. Sometimes wanting to be nurtured, understood, tucked in. Other times wanting to NOT be fussed over, but to have a conversation about something *else.*
I think it\'s good to move away from the past, not dwell on the bad stuff, but nod at it with a distant understanding (as belleruth naprastek would say) and acknowledge what we learned from it without it dragging us down now and beating us up haha.
So I totally get it!
Thank you for your ever so wise words about waiting and praying 30 days. I think that is a God thing. Focus on it with God for 30 days and see where I am then before I speak with Her. I felt I had to take that call ... seeing as how her sister, is in the hospital here in my town and how everyone knows I am stuck at home with my frankenankle and it\'s hard to get out of calls, but I am finding more each week that i just don\'t answer them and it is what it is and I can be in control of my time again and not at the mercy of anyone who dials my number. So, I thank you for validating that for me. I needed to be released from the phone LOLOL. YOu are so helpful even when you are struggling and that is a God thing, so feel blessed about doing his work even when you aren\'t feeling 100%. That is more than I can say about my own self, so I need to work on that. hugs, m
Ah, you really touched a tender place in my heart with your journal Serce. I miss my mom so much and each day wish she could be there so that I could reach out for her advice, love and reassurances. You are such a dear one to me. Hugs, Connie
yesterday morning i thought i was doing better. i scrambled some eggs and then felt so wiped out, gritty eyes, exhausted. fell out on the couch and woke up with a thundering headache. the back of my skull was tightening......it was too tight, pounding....... i sat upright for awhile sweating & seasick. this is never a time to ask questions. i got icepacks, got in bed and iced my baby brain. i have been in bed ever since......now it is the next day and it is afternoon. i have had some strange dreams, i am still so tired, but thankfully the head pain is past pretty much.......still have a sore throat, ear ache, had a fever too......it\'s all so familiar, the all in onslaught of how it works. but hey it will taper off right..........and then there will be sunshine lollipops and rainbows everysomething or other.........hugs.