Blah
Everything is blah - I don't care about anything anymore. I don't bathe daily anymore, don't keep my nails painted anymore, don't wash my clothes as often anymore, I do as little as possible to barely survive. I'll go without eating rather than walk the two miles to the store.
I've given up hope of being loved or cared for and life is bleak and meaningless. I've been taking my meds faithfully, and they are adjusted monthly, but they can't provide me with what I really need. I will die alone in a motel room in a crappy part of Vegas. What a tragic end to a tragic life. I wish I'd get the guts to do what Travis did, it's been 2 months since he killed himself. I envy him so fucking bad.
But I think it will take losing my job to push me over the edge, and that could happen at anytime. So I continue to exist in pain till the end comes. My only hope is that the end comes sooner rather than later. I hate being alive, I hate life, hate everything about it. I hope my plan to kill myself is successful when the time comes.
I ask myself all the time what I am waiting for - why don't I end my life tonight. And I have no answer, except maybe fear of the unknown, I can't know if the next life will be even worse. But I guess I'm gonna find out.
I've given up hope of being loved or cared for and life is bleak and meaningless. I've been taking my meds faithfully, and they are adjusted monthly, but they can't provide me with what I really need. I will die alone in a motel room in a crappy part of Vegas. What a tragic end to a tragic life. I wish I'd get the guts to do what Travis did, it's been 2 months since he killed himself. I envy him so fucking bad.
But I think it will take losing my job to push me over the edge, and that could happen at anytime. So I continue to exist in pain till the end comes. My only hope is that the end comes sooner rather than later. I hate being alive, I hate life, hate everything about it. I hope my plan to kill myself is successful when the time comes.
I ask myself all the time what I am waiting for - why don't I end my life tonight. And I have no answer, except maybe fear of the unknown, I can't know if the next life will be even worse. But I guess I'm gonna find out.
Replies
stuff like this is so sad to see....we can only do what we can and I know your trying...I do not want to see your kill yourself....wish there was some way to be more to you than just an internet friend....hugs bill
ps I would drive you to store so you can eat....
wow, You are in a lot of pain. I have felt just as you do. It would be all I could do to shower and put on clean clothes. I existed at this level of functioning for years. It was horrible. I didn\'t want to kill myself, but I did want to die. I\'d been suffering for so many years. I can hear your suffering. I wish I could take it away from you. All I can do is offer you hope that you won\'t always feel this badly. I never thought it would end. I now love life. I used to hate it with a passion.
wow, You are in a lot of pain. I have felt just as you do. It would be all I could do to shower and put on clean clothes. I existed at this level of functioning for years. It was horrible. I didn\'t want to kill myself, but I did want to die. I\'d been suffering for so many years. I can hear your suffering. I wish I could take it away from you. All I can do is offer you hope that you won\'t always feel this badly. I never thought it would end. I now love life. I used to hate it with a passion.
God have mercy. You are hurting terribly. You are grieving too. I pray you, please let time be a healer to you not a destroyer. Your gift of strength shows through your writing ability. Your description of: \"the father of lies\"...my name for depression...moved me deeply especially when you spoke of Las Vegas, the city where once I\'d thought I\'d found everything but then subsequently lost everything, family, career and friends. It was there I thought I\'d gone mad and perhaps in some ways I had. One friend committed suicide in my home. The city of Las Vegas is not geared toward home and family, can be cold, unsympathetic and unforgiving. I don\'t know if anything I\'ve written here strikes a chord so I\'ll just say I desire to join with others who\'ve responded in the comments to you in the hope that you find hope in your own way, and in your own time. As to your pain I\'ve been there and am still there a bit every day. So I empathize with you and identify with you. Now I chastise myself when I forget that it is my thoughts causing me my pain and forget that it is possible to adjust them by just attaching them to other more positive thoughts or just bring them in line with the truth of the moment, not a future that is only in my imagination. Lastly I\'m trying to learn the difference between self esteem and self compassion. I\'m learning to practice the latter. Take care, stay safe, and thank you.
It sucks, I\'m there - and it is a phase, just like a crappy childhood was an earlier phase.
If you don\'t kill yourself, and you fell in love - you could have 40+ years of Mr. Right. So you can quit, there is nothing worse than quitting 5 minutes before the miracle happens!!!!
Hold on with me!!!! (((BIG HUG))))
My heart really goes out to you reading this, and I cannot imagine what life is like there in that city - even just visiting there I feel alone so I understand. Seek help if you can, other than just doctors with prescriptions. there is truly much more to life than what you are able to see there.....I wish I could help more and I hope that you find some hope and light in all of this......
Hi heretic I understand how it feels to assess ur life and feel that it is tragic and that suicide is a viable solution. I\'m not going to preach or offer solutions. Just kno that as a fellow female around the same age and also stuck in a Jon as a go go dmcer it is belittling, without much hope for improvement..I wish u moments of relief my friend that is all..here for u
HUGS