Thinking

My thinking is slipping. I wish I could sleep without the nightmares, I wake up feeling disoriented and ugly. My thoughts are mostly angry and painful, I feel constantly tormented by memories. I read a book on CBT and it made sense but my thoughts are so hard to control. At least my suicidal thoughts have eased up in the past day, maybe because I had the day off of work, those thoughts seem to be much worse when I am at work.
I hope I don't slip back into suicidal thoughts today. It would be nice to have a break from it. I'd welcome blah numbness at this point. But I know I am on the edge of suicidal thoughts, just wishing for a way out of this existence. It's like suicidal thoughts are my form of Hope. Eventually I'll be free of it all. It's so hard to watch others living lives they consider at least semi-enjoyable. They have no idea the torment I live in. When they casually ask how I am doing I say Fine, knowing the shock and horror it would produce if I told them the truth. It's like I live in a bubble and no one can see the real me. Mental illness is really scary.