Rambling
I was making an introduction post and it didn't seem to fit, so I'm moving it here.
I was raped by the babysitter's son when I was ten and of course, when the adults found out, he said I asked for it and so I was blamed. I know in my head that I am not to blame, but in my heart, I still feel guilty. I'm one of those people who feel guilty for everything and apologize for things I have no control over. I have even apologized for it turning colder outside. The bad part is I've been going back and forth in and out of the hypomania the past few days. It is exhausting to actually have energy and then suddenly crash back into the numbness I've felt since the rape. I've lived for years with a 'mask' of being normal. I would have to be bouncy bubbly at work and I managed quite well, I thought. But the longer I worked, the worst the panic attacks got to the point I couldn't leave the house without panicking horribly. Of course, part of that is because I'm people phobic. I am so afraid of people. I used to be bullied when I stepped out of my home by the neighbors. You see, to keep people away, I gained 200 lbs. I know it's not healthy but it's my armor. It's made me diabetic though and I have been loosing weight slowly but um..I am still afraid of people. After all, I have caught people talking about me when they didn't know I was listening. It's made me extremely paranoid. I've completely withdrawn from people I've met in person outside of the family although I really wish I could feel comfortable with people. I don't feel that I am accepted. Even when people try to show me I'm accepted, I get so very afraid. I was the proverbial good girl and although I wanted to be out and meet people to make friends, I don't do the bar scene like the last group of people I met seem to want to do.
I don't wanna go back to the depression. The past couple of years, it's been so bad that I don't wanna live. I hate the numbness. I don't even feel anything for my kids. I mean, I know I love them, but.. I don't feel love. I feel nothing. I think I love the cats. I mean, if the cats were gone, there would be nothing to stop me from doing away with myself. It hurts so badly when I get threatened that the cats are going to be removed from me. I live in that constant fear. Ack, tears coming now. So much for my hypomania. Can't stop the tears. That's how fast things change for me. I was ok when I started typing. I guess I must have hit a trigger for the depression again. Of course, the tears start and Smokey jumps up to the table beside me and starts rubbing against my arm. He's the most wonderful cat as he snuggles me. I think I'm gonna go snuggle him for a bit.
I was raped by the babysitter's son when I was ten and of course, when the adults found out, he said I asked for it and so I was blamed. I know in my head that I am not to blame, but in my heart, I still feel guilty. I'm one of those people who feel guilty for everything and apologize for things I have no control over. I have even apologized for it turning colder outside. The bad part is I've been going back and forth in and out of the hypomania the past few days. It is exhausting to actually have energy and then suddenly crash back into the numbness I've felt since the rape. I've lived for years with a 'mask' of being normal. I would have to be bouncy bubbly at work and I managed quite well, I thought. But the longer I worked, the worst the panic attacks got to the point I couldn't leave the house without panicking horribly. Of course, part of that is because I'm people phobic. I am so afraid of people. I used to be bullied when I stepped out of my home by the neighbors. You see, to keep people away, I gained 200 lbs. I know it's not healthy but it's my armor. It's made me diabetic though and I have been loosing weight slowly but um..I am still afraid of people. After all, I have caught people talking about me when they didn't know I was listening. It's made me extremely paranoid. I've completely withdrawn from people I've met in person outside of the family although I really wish I could feel comfortable with people. I don't feel that I am accepted. Even when people try to show me I'm accepted, I get so very afraid. I was the proverbial good girl and although I wanted to be out and meet people to make friends, I don't do the bar scene like the last group of people I met seem to want to do.
I don't wanna go back to the depression. The past couple of years, it's been so bad that I don't wanna live. I hate the numbness. I don't even feel anything for my kids. I mean, I know I love them, but.. I don't feel love. I feel nothing. I think I love the cats. I mean, if the cats were gone, there would be nothing to stop me from doing away with myself. It hurts so badly when I get threatened that the cats are going to be removed from me. I live in that constant fear. Ack, tears coming now. So much for my hypomania. Can't stop the tears. That's how fast things change for me. I was ok when I started typing. I guess I must have hit a trigger for the depression again. Of course, the tears start and Smokey jumps up to the table beside me and starts rubbing against my arm. He's the most wonderful cat as he snuggles me. I think I'm gonna go snuggle him for a bit.
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