wow
Really? Is this just now hitting me? I have been having a SUPER tough past couple weeks and today I got up and thought well I might be ok today, then I am walking to the bathroom and just like that I felt like I just got the breath kicked right out of me! My baby girl is really gone. She really did die!! What am I going to do? How is this even possible. I will never be able to live life again. Ever. I am falling deeper in a state of depression and I cannot catch myself. For the rest of my family's sake I do not want this to happen but I just dont know how to stop it. Everyone keeps saying it will get easier., When is that going to happen, it sure seems to me it only gets harder every day.
Everything that helped me cope before is not helping me now! What do I do? What is happening? I miss her. I feel like I am losing it for real. Pretending I am ok is almost impossible. The only thing I want to do is lay in Marissa's room and cry, hold her things and beg her to come home to me! I cannot learn to live without her. Someone please tell me what to do!
Everything that helped me cope before is not helping me now! What do I do? What is happening? I miss her. I feel like I am losing it for real. Pretending I am ok is almost impossible. The only thing I want to do is lay in Marissa's room and cry, hold her things and beg her to come home to me! I cannot learn to live without her. Someone please tell me what to do!
Replies
You are exactly where you are suppose to be in the beginning stages of the loss of your precious baby girl. My heart aches for you and with you.. I remember those days and every thing you write is a ditto on all moms journals.. You will feel like you want to die, your feeling Crazy is normal. We go through so many emotions we can\'t possibly untangle that gut wrenching hole in our sole, we go backwards upwards inside-out, sideways and the truth is you wouldn\'tr be normal if you weren\'t feeling this excruciating pain, the worst pain EVER.. We have No Control over it, there is nothing we an do to change it. That\'s why we feel like we go in circles in our mind as well as walking in circles, we tire our self out and lay back down to the point of losing your mind, I know what you are going through honey, and thank God you have us here for you, I noticed when I was in your stage I found it is another break through, and they\'re many many break through\'s after feeling and going through what is happening to you, It takes time before you will understand what I am saying but down the road something will happen out of no-where and you will say OOOOOH this is what i heard would happen,.. I\'m not good with words but I try my best to help you new moms who need it so deeply, I pray some of this helps dear friend, Love and Hugs to you, XO Kelly
Angie, believe me when I say that you can learn to live, breathe, laugh, cry and function again. How long does it take? I\'ll let you know when I\'m there as I am learning to be very, very gentle with myself and acknowledge each and every emotion as it comes. I continue not to have control over the emotions or waves of emotions. What I have learned in just over two years now is that fighting my grief or at best attempting to deny my emotions is useless.
I remember when people would kindly tell me that \"it would get easier\" and I was ready to fight. The words just angered me. Now I see a small glimpse of what they meant but to say it to me at that time was like speaking a foreign language. I will tell you that the panic, the overwhelming emotional distress I can relate to. Day in and day out, and yet, two years, two months and one day later, I am still here, reaching out to you, letting you know that you are not alone.
Hold tight, heart in heart, hand in hand,
Merrilee
Five years later: still hurt, still cry, still and will forever miss him. But life goes on, other children need love and understanding. I need less emotion and more peace in my life. The hard pains come less often, and there\'s time in between to live your life. You will never be the same, but that\'s not necessarily bad. Love, Abby
Angie - if you are able, go back to any one of these sisters and read their first journals - I did, only to help me not feel so damn crazy. For me to know, that these moms have been there and are living proof that their life is continuing - still hurts like hell, sometimes cry non stop, will cry when I least expect it...I am forever changed but I am surviving when I didn\'t really think I would. Keep writing, we are here for you always.....((((hugs)))) vicki
I am feeling your loss to my core. We stood in your shoes and felt what you\'re feeling. It, Just. Hurts. Please be gentle with yourself. Try and get through an hour. And then another. If that\'s too long, try a minute. I am so very sorry for your loss. Hand in hand, heart to heart we go on.
Gari
You are doing it... one second, minute and breath at a time. It is something each of us must learn how to carry and somehow we do. I have said this countless times that I\'m not even sure how it all works... Yet, somehow we survive this horrible loss even when we don\'t want to.
Just knowing that you can come here and share your heart as you are is a huge part of your healing and this is what you are doing dear friend.
I\'m so sorry that Marissa is not with you in the ways that you had always hoped and imagined. None of it is okay or fair...
Gentle, gentle care and SO much understanding. It still takes my breath away that my Douglas is not walking in my door and throwing his strong arms around me... We will forever long for and miss our beautiful children and will learn a new way of BEing with them. I\'m still learning and feel that I will forever be.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
I am so sorry you are here, but know that all of us understand. I wish you could have some peace. Hugs, Kathy
Angie,
I\'m just barely ahead of you in my horrific journey of losing my child. I still think that I\'m going crazy so much of the time. I was rifling through pictures of my son the other day and sobbed for hours. I still can\'t believe that it\'s real. Yesterday, I checked my phone just in case he called. I go from sort of okay to thinking I\'m losing my mind. I adored my Ralph with all of my heart as you did Marissa this sucks. Love to you always
Chris
Yes, the early grief stages are literally so heart and gut wrenching. You will always feel the hole in your life. For me it was so hard to lean in and feel these emotions, I had no control over them. Now it is a little bit simpler to hold the emotions until I get home - sometimes. I will never be the person I was, I just hope that somehow I help someone along the way... Hugs, honey.
Almost 6 years for me, every day I get that stab in the heart, breath taken away feeling. It generally passes quicker now. Hang in there. Sue xo
The only way I get through the day is to KNOW that my baby is still here. He\'s here. I swear I feel him on most days. I know he\'s here. Yes he passed from this earth, but he did NOT leave me. Marissa is there with you - I promise. Change your thinking. Otherwise, I couldn\'t make it through this time left on this planet. Patti
It is so scary the different & sometimes polar opposite emotions that hit us. These are feelings we have never experienced before the loss of our child. They are new & scary. Oh how I wish we would not have to feel them at all, but they seem to come with our new reality. One of the things the moms here have helped me see is the importance of feeling these emotions. Because they are so intense we are only able to handle a tiny bit at a time. In the very beginning we feel numbness as a protection until we are able to handle the feelings. Each person is different & the length of the numbness is unique to us. When our intense emotions surface it\'s so helpful to be around those who can totally relate. For Moms Only is a place we can come for support, understanding & love to help us deal with our confusing emotions. It can be comforting to know what we are going through is normal to what we have experienced. We understand the pain and we are here to walk this journey with you.
From my broken heart to your broken heart.......Vicki. ( Jeremy & Chad\'s mom )
As our SOTHs have said before me, one hour or minute at a time and be gentle with yourself. You are so early on this long, painful journey. Keep coming here for assurance. We are here with lots of love, prayers, and hugs.
I want to hug you. one day, one hour, and sometimes one minute and one breath at a time is all that we can do.
love and lots of hugs
Lisa