Lonely
I am so lonely! Even though my loving husband is here with me I have this overwhelming feeling of lonliness and emptiness. During the day I feel like I am coping then I notice it gets dark outside and it hits me all over again, she is really gone. I hate the word dead. Its such a horrid word. no one should ever use that word.
I went to Marissa's high school today to pick up the tshirts one of her teachers had made for her, that was really hard walking in those doors, and extremely hard leaving, knowing I will not be back. My child will not walk across the stage to get her diploma this year, she will not get to attend prom or go on a senior trip! God took her before she could have the experiences she deserved to have! She didnt even get her drivers license yet! She always told me she would never move far away from me like her sister did because it broke my heart so bad and then in the blink of an eye she is gone forever. I am so over come by a sadness that is indescribable that how am I going to live again. People keep saying its so soon, take my time, but the more time goes by the more I miss her and the sharper the pain gets. I am a how to kind of person, I NEED to know how to do this, when to go back to work, how to be sure my baby is happy in heaven. Where do I find the comfort I need when in all reality the ONLY thing that will help me is to have my family complete again. Her sister moved back home a week before Marissa's accident, I was happy. Never again will I have that feeling.
I went to Marissa's high school today to pick up the tshirts one of her teachers had made for her, that was really hard walking in those doors, and extremely hard leaving, knowing I will not be back. My child will not walk across the stage to get her diploma this year, she will not get to attend prom or go on a senior trip! God took her before she could have the experiences she deserved to have! She didnt even get her drivers license yet! She always told me she would never move far away from me like her sister did because it broke my heart so bad and then in the blink of an eye she is gone forever. I am so over come by a sadness that is indescribable that how am I going to live again. People keep saying its so soon, take my time, but the more time goes by the more I miss her and the sharper the pain gets. I am a how to kind of person, I NEED to know how to do this, when to go back to work, how to be sure my baby is happy in heaven. Where do I find the comfort I need when in all reality the ONLY thing that will help me is to have my family complete again. Her sister moved back home a week before Marissa's accident, I was happy. Never again will I have that feeling.
Replies
Yes the loneliness is so much a part of our journey. My Marissa did get to have more life experience and I am grateful for that, yet 27 years does not seem enough. So happy that your other daughter is home again, all of you need to be kind to each other and remember you are all suffering this loss. Keeping each other close as you find your way. Each one of you will have different ways, and that is okay. Sending u some vibes of healing, Kathy
You are doing it one breath and moment at a time. The loneliness and despair is ALL consuming and you are feeling it as you must and it is a hurt beyond description for a mother.
Please know that you have sisters of the heart who are walking alongside of you and some days that may truly be the consolation that is needed.
In one of my early grief books that I read they said that if bereaved parents were hospitalized for what they were going through we would be in the ICU on life support. I will never forget reading that because even though I had a shell of a body that was somewhat functioning on the outside, inside I did feel as if I needed life support. I was shattered into a million pieces ad could never imagine life without my beautiful son, Douglas in it.
This is not a linear path and there are ups, downs, and automatic pilot times I have found. I have been walking it for six plus years now and did not believe I could survive it, yet I did and I promise you will too.
Just take each day and do not look too far down the path and know that you are doing the best that you can and be as gentle with your heart and soul wounds as you can be.
Sending SO much understanding and loving care to enfold you,
XO Joanie
Oh the loneliness... I remember so well...like it were yesterday... we had friends and neighbors that would run when we needed them... we had people at our home as much as possible... as I write my eyes are leaking,,, just going back there hurts.. our daughters were too young to leave us,,, your beautiful daughter walks hand in hand with mine in heaven.. love ya!
I think I felt desperation at first. How was I going to get through it all? How could it be? I could fix everything when he was a child, but not anymore... Sure he will always be \"forever 34\" but there was nothing I could do, it was such a helpless feeling!
At first my friends stayed by me, but then they went on with their lives. I was lonely too. Then I found this group of understanding ladies here. I was not alone anymore. Others had the same thoughts and feelings. It has been 5-1/2 years now and thanks to my Sisters of the Heart (SOTHs), I am functioning most days. I will always have those days when my heart goes beyond longing, beyond missing, and the tears will flow...
In year one, I just practiced breathing and baby steps. Truly, it sounds too simple, but we are so broken, we need simple. Gentle care to you as you walk this path...
I have been on this journey for over 8 years - it will be 9 years on May 8th. I can\'t believe I am still alive, functioning and actually enjoying life. Did I ever think it would be possible - not in a million years. I am not sure how I ever survived the first year - I always said I was not responsible for ANYTHING I said or did the first few years. I went back to work 2 weeks after Billy left this world - I had to do something - I only worked part-time, I could \"pretend\" everything was fine at work - I would go to the backroom and cry my eyes out. You will know when the time is right. Please be kind to yourself - take care of YOU. Just take each second, minute, hour or day at a time. You will take some steps forward then fall back only to kick and claw your way forward a little. Remember this is a life long journey...your old life is gone - never to be the same again. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other each and every day. Walking be side you....Hugs, Ann
Believe me we all felt all the feelings you\'re experiencing...I said I would never be able to smile or laugh again. The longer they are gone we don\'t miss them less we just adjust to the fact that we will see them in Heaven. We don\'t know how we even got through the first couple of years but we all did somehow. It\'s baby steps, one foot in front of the other, and before you know it 6 yrs. have passed in my case. I still miss my sweet Melissa but the intensity is no where it was in the beginning. I think God has something to do with that. No way would any of us survive is we had to endure that intensity for the rest of our lives. Tight (((HUGS))) and know we are all here for you. xoxoxo Connie