Well, I'm back.
I disappeared for a while there because I was switching a lot. I know that the last journal had expressed such joy about my son coming to see me in August. I am still excited. However, since I have had surgery on my right hand I have had to use my left hand. That is not a problem because some of my personalities are left handed. Unfortuately, I did not expect them to be so present during this time of healing.
Annie is my 4 year old that was raped during a traumatic event. Without going into gory details...That is how she was created. She is left handed. I've been switching to her and having to deal with her stuff a lot. I've had absolutely horrible night panics and tramendous fear to go to sleep because of them. All through out the day I still have some major panic attacks and body memories with the inability to stay present.
I so longed for the desire to act out and cut, but in August it will be 4 months without cutting. I do not want to ruin the strength I gained from resisting the temptation. However, that just makes the memories stronger so I have to deal with them.
My therapist had to explain to Annie that the flash backs and memories were not in the present today. That it happened a long time ago and they were just memories. It's so hard for children to seperate fact from fiction. I mean her imagination is so active that it is hard to nderstand what is her imagination and what is actually a real memory that is not in her present. Trying to understand that what she sees in her memories is not what is happening today. Boy, what a difficult thing to understand when you're 4 years old.
With the help of some of my other personalities that do understand this I think Annie is beginning to get the idea, but she still does not get it when she physically feels the painful memories, because the pain is in the present.
It's unforunate that those that are left handed have endured some horrible trauma. So, I'm having to deal with a lot. I have so much sress in my body all I want to do is cry and disapear. I pray for the grace of God to get me through this.
I think it is noticable by now that if I do not journal for a while is because I'm dealing with some heavy stuff. I have not deserted my friends. You are often in my prayers and I hope everyone is well!
Hugs,
Jessica
I disappeared for a while there because I was switching a lot. I know that the last journal had expressed such joy about my son coming to see me in August. I am still excited. However, since I have had surgery on my right hand I have had to use my left hand. That is not a problem because some of my personalities are left handed. Unfortuately, I did not expect them to be so present during this time of healing.
Annie is my 4 year old that was raped during a traumatic event. Without going into gory details...That is how she was created. She is left handed. I've been switching to her and having to deal with her stuff a lot. I've had absolutely horrible night panics and tramendous fear to go to sleep because of them. All through out the day I still have some major panic attacks and body memories with the inability to stay present.
I so longed for the desire to act out and cut, but in August it will be 4 months without cutting. I do not want to ruin the strength I gained from resisting the temptation. However, that just makes the memories stronger so I have to deal with them.
My therapist had to explain to Annie that the flash backs and memories were not in the present today. That it happened a long time ago and they were just memories. It's so hard for children to seperate fact from fiction. I mean her imagination is so active that it is hard to nderstand what is her imagination and what is actually a real memory that is not in her present. Trying to understand that what she sees in her memories is not what is happening today. Boy, what a difficult thing to understand when you're 4 years old.
With the help of some of my other personalities that do understand this I think Annie is beginning to get the idea, but she still does not get it when she physically feels the painful memories, because the pain is in the present.
It's unforunate that those that are left handed have endured some horrible trauma. So, I'm having to deal with a lot. I have so much sress in my body all I want to do is cry and disapear. I pray for the grace of God to get me through this.
I think it is noticable by now that if I do not journal for a while is because I'm dealing with some heavy stuff. I have not deserted my friends. You are often in my prayers and I hope everyone is well!
Hugs,
Jessica
Replies
You are in my prayers as you go through this difficult time. I have confidence that you will continue to overcome and learn and grow. Hugs.
My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I do believe you will get through all of this. You already have come such a long way. Hang in there Jessy. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I had to go through a similar thing in therapy today. My 12 yr old thinks it just happened for all the same reasons you said. My T said the same thing to her. And tried to get the adult me to tell her that too. She is stuck right now and therefore so am I. She just wants to hide. Somehow I have to believe we will get through this to the other side. I\'m with you.