Can't sleep
I am up here and it's 4:20 am. I could not go back to sleep. I was working on an issue that came up in therapy yesterday. Something that has been barried for so long. I don't think my mind knows how to deal with it. I'm also concerned that this a poor time for this to be coming up with my daughter arriving soon.
I feel a lump in my throat over this memory that has floated to the surface. I went to bed like that last night. I don't want to talk about it, but that is inevitable. From experience nothing that I have had to process has killed me yet, so that's a good way of looking at it.Though the ache in my heart disagrees because, it is breaking and feels as though I will drown in it.
I have hidden this issue for many many years. The damn I built around it is huge. I feel the pressure. The overflow of tears are boiling in this lake of fire held back by the decaying painful planks of wood. This damn will soon give in from the fullness of time. Oh the sorrow and pain that stirrs around in it's waters.
The system in my head is gathered like a community meeting regarding this damn which is on the verge of exploding into their village. We need to get to high grounds. Who will survive this? Who will make it to a high refuge? Who lives the closest to the lake? Nobody wants to reveal their location. Yet, in doing so the rescue teem will not know how and where they are to be rescued from. Maybe it should not be the responsibility of the people in the village to save the ones closest to the lake. Instead they should let God be their high place, their strong tower, their refuge. Do they trust God or do they try to take matters in their own hands? We don't know. We are anticipating the reckage. In this moment. Time stands still. Things will soon be moving in slow motion, as the reaction of the people is reluctant to descend.
We are fearful to return to sleep. Concerned that we will end up standing on the damn. Lord have mercy on us!
Disorientated,
Jessy
I feel a lump in my throat over this memory that has floated to the surface. I went to bed like that last night. I don't want to talk about it, but that is inevitable. From experience nothing that I have had to process has killed me yet, so that's a good way of looking at it.Though the ache in my heart disagrees because, it is breaking and feels as though I will drown in it.
I have hidden this issue for many many years. The damn I built around it is huge. I feel the pressure. The overflow of tears are boiling in this lake of fire held back by the decaying painful planks of wood. This damn will soon give in from the fullness of time. Oh the sorrow and pain that stirrs around in it's waters.
The system in my head is gathered like a community meeting regarding this damn which is on the verge of exploding into their village. We need to get to high grounds. Who will survive this? Who will make it to a high refuge? Who lives the closest to the lake? Nobody wants to reveal their location. Yet, in doing so the rescue teem will not know how and where they are to be rescued from. Maybe it should not be the responsibility of the people in the village to save the ones closest to the lake. Instead they should let God be their high place, their strong tower, their refuge. Do they trust God or do they try to take matters in their own hands? We don't know. We are anticipating the reckage. In this moment. Time stands still. Things will soon be moving in slow motion, as the reaction of the people is reluctant to descend.
We are fearful to return to sleep. Concerned that we will end up standing on the damn. Lord have mercy on us!
Disorientated,
Jessy
Replies
You write very well, your words are so expressive, I think that\'s a good thing, let it out
You did a great job of writing this. I am praying for you as you deal with this difficult issue and hoping you will be stronger as a result of facing it.
If you write out the memory in a private place it may give you some temporary relief until you can talk with your therapist again.