confused

Well, the company all left and I find myself very uncomfortale in the dead silence. I will never understand my inability to cope in any situation lately. I complain when I'm too busy and my life seems interrupted . Then when life halts and chaos ceases I become so fearful in my aloneness. I simply can not find peace right now. I know I had it before the family came. It's amzing how horrifying my self worth becomes and so absolete once the stampeed of family runs their course through the brief moments in life leaving a dusty road of havoc behind. Hello! Am I making any sense? Why am I hating my life right now? I know they really appreciated my hosptality but some how I'm left with an irrated spirit. It's like dealing with the death of a loved one and everyone seems to be available, but once they leave you you're left with a huge heart ache and nobody really cares any more. I feel like the child that was left behind. Used and abused then left alone to my own vises. Not to mention I have tramendous physical pain. Body memories along with screeming bones as if I was beaten near to death. Oh God I want to hurt myself right now. Not good! How did I end up here? So, predictable...one step forward and two steps back. Step back however, has a calus grip that pulls you back like a bow and arrow before the arrow is released. Not knowing exactly where I'll end up. Days like this I want not experience. I am sad and for once in my life I wish I had a night a shining armour to rescue me from my depravity! I know...the Lord is there for me. Sometimes I resent how needy I am. Anyway. I could continue with my pitty prty till I become dangerously disfunctional. I better go now.