So Sad
I wrote a letter to my daughter-in-law this morning. Not only did I call my son who is serving our country to let him know how proud I am of him. I also wrote my daughter-in-law to let her know how strong she is to have a husband who serves our country.
Our relationship has been astranged for a few years. It is so painful to look at the damage I have done to bring such a seperation with my loved ones whom I call family. I wrote her to apologize for the things I did to cause her pain while she was living with me as my son served in Iraq. I HATE MENTAL ILLNESS!
For the past 4 years I've been elsewhere. Where? Lost in the traumas of my past. I was so psychotic that I barely remember the events that occured during those years. Some serious stuff I missed like: my sons graduation, my son going to boot camp, my daughter graduating from her masters degree and moving to Europe, my son's wedding, my son leaving for Iraq, my daughter-in-law living with me while her husband was fighting a war, moving her to his army base and him returning from Iraq, Christmas.... So much that I was mentally absent from!
I vaguely remember all that as if it was a dream and my history traumas were reality. Today my heart is heavy with sorrow. I've done all that I know what to do to make amends. Now how my loved ones respond is in their hands.
What bothers me the most is that for some twisted way of viewing things people who have never exerienced a mental break down think we could control and change out of our sick way of coping. The hardest thing about that is to accept that our loved ones may never really understand. So, we have a choice...we could hold bitterness against them for their apparent lack of compassion or we could resolve in our hearts that God know's and it's ok if others do not get it. In our humanness we long to be understood by others. However, in seeking this we tend to forget that they are humans and they are imperfect and will dissapoint us. Only one who is consistant and faithful, loving perfectly and never changing is God.
I am not perfect either. In my little pitty party I forget who my eyes should focus on. Like Peter the Lord has to pull me up out of the raging sea because, I have lost faith and looked else where.
In saying all this... I choose not to avoid my sorrow nor do I want to wallow in it either. So what to do now? Feel it for what it is. Yuck! And continue to understand that this will not kill me, I'm ok, I can survive. Not easy to convince myself, but I'm trying.
With a heavy heart...to those who have served our nation a big Thank You to you today! God bless you!
love, Jessy
Our relationship has been astranged for a few years. It is so painful to look at the damage I have done to bring such a seperation with my loved ones whom I call family. I wrote her to apologize for the things I did to cause her pain while she was living with me as my son served in Iraq. I HATE MENTAL ILLNESS!
For the past 4 years I've been elsewhere. Where? Lost in the traumas of my past. I was so psychotic that I barely remember the events that occured during those years. Some serious stuff I missed like: my sons graduation, my son going to boot camp, my daughter graduating from her masters degree and moving to Europe, my son's wedding, my son leaving for Iraq, my daughter-in-law living with me while her husband was fighting a war, moving her to his army base and him returning from Iraq, Christmas.... So much that I was mentally absent from!
I vaguely remember all that as if it was a dream and my history traumas were reality. Today my heart is heavy with sorrow. I've done all that I know what to do to make amends. Now how my loved ones respond is in their hands.
What bothers me the most is that for some twisted way of viewing things people who have never exerienced a mental break down think we could control and change out of our sick way of coping. The hardest thing about that is to accept that our loved ones may never really understand. So, we have a choice...we could hold bitterness against them for their apparent lack of compassion or we could resolve in our hearts that God know's and it's ok if others do not get it. In our humanness we long to be understood by others. However, in seeking this we tend to forget that they are humans and they are imperfect and will dissapoint us. Only one who is consistant and faithful, loving perfectly and never changing is God.
I am not perfect either. In my little pitty party I forget who my eyes should focus on. Like Peter the Lord has to pull me up out of the raging sea because, I have lost faith and looked else where.
In saying all this... I choose not to avoid my sorrow nor do I want to wallow in it either. So what to do now? Feel it for what it is. Yuck! And continue to understand that this will not kill me, I'm ok, I can survive. Not easy to convince myself, but I'm trying.
With a heavy heart...to those who have served our nation a big Thank You to you today! God bless you!
love, Jessy
Replies
I try to remember that if I suddenly discovered the people who abused me were suffering from a mental illness at the time, would it really have made my pain any less? No. Though I understand things a little better because of living from this side of things, I need to remember that people living under the harm I have caused also have pain to heal from and forgiveness does not equal trust. I have earned the caution, and sometimes the anger. It\'s hard and it\'s humbling, but it is reality. I hope you will be able to heal despite these challenges, and that they also will heal enough to eventually bring real reconcilliation.