tired

After getting back from seeing my son at his in laws for christmas part of me realizes that he still needs me even though his words were total opposite. And the rest of me wants to stick around to encourage and help my children in their adult lives, but I don't like living. I'm aweful to want that when so many people struggle to stay alive. The only thing that stops me from taking my own life is the hurt I would cause to my children. It's not that I do not love them enough. I've stuck around for years just so I would not hurt them. Nobody understands suicidal thoughts and desires. They all think it is selfish , but I have been unselfish since the first time I felt suicidal at forteen. That's how long I have persevered. I'm just tired and alone now. I wish someone would understand how I feel! I just do not want to be on this earth anymore!