I don't like the way my brain is. I can't control this at all. I can't control the way I think of myself no matter what I do. I just honestly think I don't deserve anything else but to die. I don't really do anything useful or important and I'm not really needed by anyone and I also can't stand to be around myself. Tons of different emotions can go thru me in one second and I can't really control any of them.
Nothing in particular has to happen to me for me to get depressed. But, when I am depressed it's really hard to be ok again. It's an up down up down feeling constantly all day everyday. One second I'm really happy and the next second I'm just depressed and it keeps changing. But, I'm depressed longer than being happy on most days.
I hate this feeling. I really can't trust myself. It's like something in my mind is against myself and bringing back all these bad memories of things that happened to me when I get depressed. I try to stay busy with something like a video game or watching T.V. It works sometimes.
I feel like I'm being held against my will everyday. It feels like the depression is like a person who follows u around and threatens to kill u all day every day and tells u ur worthless and everything. But, no one else knows how much I hurt just about everyday.
I just wish I could escape from myself or at least die pretty soon. I wouldn't mind that at all.