15 November 2008

does it ever feel like everything's like a kind of movie, just rolling and rolling? since jessy died it feels like life is really but a fleeting passing of time.  i just look around at everything all the time, and i think its just life, and we can enjoy it, and i dont have any guilt anymore about enjoying it, because thats just how things are. and one day we'll all pass on, and we'll be together on the other side, with our little angels. im putting jessy's album together. today i got up to her third birthday, looked at all the pics. there is so much history in every picture.  i took all the photos out, with her biological father in them. i didnt feel he should have the honor of being in HER book.  he walked out on her when she was only 7, he "couldn't stand living in this family with all the needs for disability all the time".  yeah, he's around again - not in MY LIFE, NO!  i am re-married.  but the kids see him. after he left, he never had much time for jessy again, never came and spent time with her.  his loss. what a special and holy soul little jessy was.  what an honour it was that G-d chose me to be her mom, what an honor it was to be her mom. such love, such joy, warmth, LIFE, laughing, loving.  she was such a beautiful soul, she touched the hearts of everyone. my jessy, i cant believe its now nearly 7 months since her passing. and now i am starting to feel like i can help others again.  everyone has been so much around me over the years during jessy's illnesses.   everything feels so weird. tomorrow morning a lady is coming over, and we are going to choose a tombstone design, and do the wording.  how do we do the wording on a tombstone of our own child.  i look at all the other tombstones and i see all this stuff, and its so weird. it just doesn't feel real. any of it.  im trying so hard. all the kids are just having such a hard time.  they are in therapy, they are under psychiatric care, they are so involved with various doctors, i am giving them more love than i can IMAGINE anyone can do!  but khaley because of her bipolar, has fallen so behind in school, she's like 3 years behind her peers - academically. certainly her intelligence and life understanding probably exceeds theirs by far.  still, that doesn't help her achievement record. Jarod - 8 year old, is ADHD.  now there is question whether he too, might have bipolar. i dont know, all i do know is that no matter how i try, this little boy is doing things beyond safety, he doesn't respond to discipline or punishment, he doesn't respond to having his privileges taken away.  he is suffering. he climbs up the doors, into high cupboards, on the roof of the house!  he throws buckets of water all over his wooden floor, he floods the bathroom floor so he can slide up and down, he runs out the class and climbs up a tree and tells the teacher he's not coming down and she cant make him. i know he has had so much trauma in his life, but it is getting to the point that I AM GETTING traumatised by HIS behaviour!  last week he lost his temper with his sister, and "punched" the window with the palm of his hand. oh god!! there was just screaming and blood, his wrist was cut - deep, i just grabbed the kids and raced to the hosp.  his wrist was stitched up.  this kid has had so many accidents and stitches, and i am just feeling so fragile. the day after his hand was stitched, he went and played HAND-TENNIS with his friends!!! he is often so driven by temper and lashes out.  when i am alone with him and lie with him at night in his bed, he curls up into me and cries, and tells me that he is just a little boy, and he doesnt know why he does these things.  i stroke his hair and i love him and i tell him that everything is going to be okay. (when i go to sleep i cry. i dont let him see that, but my heart is breaking for him).  i am doing all that i can.  maybe that is all G-d expects from me.   and jessy's passed on. she's actually not here anymore. i cant fathom it. sometimes it feels so close. sometimes it feels like a distant weird thing. im just feeling weird, just weird. and sad. and tired. but i still laugh and joke all day. i guess thats just the way i get through stuff. jan jessy, i miss you baby. jarod misses you, even though he wont talk about it. jarod loves sitting in your wheelchair - he finds it comforting.  khaely is getting a bit better, maybe she thought i was always more concerned about you than i was about her. she didn't understand that you were often in life threatening conditions.  one day she will understand that. but now i am spending a lot of time with her.  she still has many problems but she is doing a bit better.  tali looks like you. last night i went to sit beside her when she was asleep, and from a certain angle she looked just like you when you slept.  i put my head on her chest, like i used to with you cos you LOVED pulling my hair and connecting with me.  oh jessy, my jessy. i love you