WTF
I think I have lost my mind. I don't know what I'm doing. I guess it was inevitable that I would sleep with him as he's living here. We're not back together, and it was a Christmas quickie. Literally our child woke up seconds into it, and I tensed up. Thank God (pun intended?) we used protection. Ugh.
It all started with watching, "It's Complicated" (Meryl Streep and Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin).... no... it started with a bad judgment call to visit a microbrewery in Bay City last Monday. I ran into the local Hugh Hefner who owns multiple restaurants and clubs... I pulled it out of him that he's had several three-ways in Las Vegas. Some drinks later, he (78 I think) says I should throw my ex a lay. In my drunken subconscious, it seemed like the 1970's attitude, to just extend a fuck out of compassion. My recent frustration has driven this as well, to rationalize it.... and at that point I was determined.
He rubuked my drunken advances, and I spent the day vomitting from self-induced poisoning. There is a potent, self-destructive demon in me. I'd like to romanticize it's akin to Sylvia Plath, some tormented poet, but truly it's more pedestrian street walker than that. There's such a divide between the careless, hedonistic lifestyle of the legends and the mediocre schmuck who's just an addict. I am the schmuck. I have to face it. To face the schmuck is to conquer the schmuck.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve Friday, and I'm watching "It's Complicated", and as a fan of Streep )esp. "Out of Africa", all these parallel's were drawn. Her ex left her for a younger woman, he drives a Porsche, there's a moment of clarity that, "We share these children", then the bait to fall into the trap. I love the moment she reads her own self-analysis of what's driving her to want him back. She's created her own life, the proto-typical sensual woman (!) archetype that is the nurturer and a fabulous cook. The one the audience roots for is Steve, he's not the blatant man-child, connects with her on this deeper, artistically soulful level, and yet there's a nod to what was, of what was important and REAL in her previous marriage.
SO... he went to hug me and we accidently kissed, then this spark.... I went to an AA meeting with his Russian buddy... and then this morning he stood, shadowed, at my door and asked if I wanted to "cuddle". Bullocks!!! Bloody Hell!!! It was so NOT hot. I realize this guy isn't that guy who wants to cook with me, who makes me laugh. He is Mr. Drama, which keeps me grounded in a culture that doesn't take anything seriously, and that idolizes plastic, as George Carlin would say - "turned into a giant shopping mall", he plants so much weight and agony on me that I am falling apart from lonliness. In the movie, Meryl recognized that, "you cheated so I wouldn't have to", and I feel that's it. That I suddenly realized if I draw him back into me I will break his heart, I will break him... another one.
It all started with watching, "It's Complicated" (Meryl Streep and Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin).... no... it started with a bad judgment call to visit a microbrewery in Bay City last Monday. I ran into the local Hugh Hefner who owns multiple restaurants and clubs... I pulled it out of him that he's had several three-ways in Las Vegas. Some drinks later, he (78 I think) says I should throw my ex a lay. In my drunken subconscious, it seemed like the 1970's attitude, to just extend a fuck out of compassion. My recent frustration has driven this as well, to rationalize it.... and at that point I was determined.
He rubuked my drunken advances, and I spent the day vomitting from self-induced poisoning. There is a potent, self-destructive demon in me. I'd like to romanticize it's akin to Sylvia Plath, some tormented poet, but truly it's more pedestrian street walker than that. There's such a divide between the careless, hedonistic lifestyle of the legends and the mediocre schmuck who's just an addict. I am the schmuck. I have to face it. To face the schmuck is to conquer the schmuck.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve Friday, and I'm watching "It's Complicated", and as a fan of Streep )esp. "Out of Africa", all these parallel's were drawn. Her ex left her for a younger woman, he drives a Porsche, there's a moment of clarity that, "We share these children", then the bait to fall into the trap. I love the moment she reads her own self-analysis of what's driving her to want him back. She's created her own life, the proto-typical sensual woman (!) archetype that is the nurturer and a fabulous cook. The one the audience roots for is Steve, he's not the blatant man-child, connects with her on this deeper, artistically soulful level, and yet there's a nod to what was, of what was important and REAL in her previous marriage.
SO... he went to hug me and we accidently kissed, then this spark.... I went to an AA meeting with his Russian buddy... and then this morning he stood, shadowed, at my door and asked if I wanted to "cuddle". Bullocks!!! Bloody Hell!!! It was so NOT hot. I realize this guy isn't that guy who wants to cook with me, who makes me laugh. He is Mr. Drama, which keeps me grounded in a culture that doesn't take anything seriously, and that idolizes plastic, as George Carlin would say - "turned into a giant shopping mall", he plants so much weight and agony on me that I am falling apart from lonliness. In the movie, Meryl recognized that, "you cheated so I wouldn't have to", and I feel that's it. That I suddenly realized if I draw him back into me I will break his heart, I will break him... another one.
Replies
ok. first- i moved my cursor over moving twice and thats what happened there- i dont find this moving times two- but it wont let me undo it.
second- girl- i am not going to stand in judgement of you- i have no room to. i just dont want you getting yourself into a world of hurt. i remember you writing just weeks ago about what a douche bag he was. and it doesnt seem like you have any false hope that he is anything else but that- just take care of yourself ok? set goals to get him out of your house- please. you and your kids deserve so much more. a new year is coming up and its time for new beginnings and new goals. this guy is an adult- he needs to learn to take care of himself. gaa!!! i just am so confused and a little sad for you- please dont get drawn back into him. he hasnt changed. you deserve more.
I think it\'s like this episode of SpongeBob i saw where Krabs and Plankton (the are \'enemies\') are trapped underground together and suddenly become best friends and promise all these things to each other until they abruptly regain their freedom and go right back to being rivals. I feel it must have to do with living here together in the same situation of being utterly destitute. There is less poisonous tension between us today, but definitely not a real smart decision on my part. I feel once he has his freedom, his car repaired, that he will quickly revert back to his former self.
He wasn\'t a monster as a husband, and had been faithful until the end there. He had anger issues, but wanted me to quit drinking, get in school, not make a public ass of myself when I overdid it. I gambled money we really could not afford, brought men home after bar hours to \"hang out\" (it actually was innocent, though inappropriate). I was no saint, either.
I will say there are things about him that will likely never change. I am trying to change myself, and his leaving me was a strong gesture that I needed to wake up and see how selfish I was being. I don\'t know if \"we\" are fixable, and don\'t even know if I want to try. It\'s just so unbearable to be so alone... it\'s lame to admit, but even having his crazy Russian friends here makes the house feel alive again instead of so insanely quiet.
I realize I have to be really clear here as to what the hell I\'m doing. My children are confused and I can\'t put them through this hell storm all over. The way he\'s treated me the last few months has been unforgivable and I can\'t let go