I am not a happy camper. Unfortunately, there are few ways to describe WHY I feel this way without coming across as a pouty, whiney, self-absorbed little bitch......
The Story of "THE ROAD"
Christopher has been working in his chosen profession for about 15yrs. Over the course of those years I have been chief cook and bottle washer, relationship repairman, ambassador to both families at every event he couldn't make (often from Jan. straight through the middle of Nov.), bookkeeper, household administrator, maid and go-fer. I took these things on by my choice because.............. well, for a lot of reasons some less than altruistic than others.
In any case, suffice to say that these roles have become rather tired over the years as have I. One of the reasons I was so insistent that he come off the road was that I had been doing virtually all of those things alone with neither support nor much appreciation. To which he would reply that the money he was making MORE than compensated for the fact that he was never here and that I've forgotten how much he WAS home for. Ok, whatever......... Nobody has EVER worked as hard as he has, nobody ever will and I have been a financial anchor forever and should be sacrificed to the marriage gods as an apology for all my foolish behavior................ (sarcastic remark I have in fact made to him on more than one occasion)
I spent the last several years in a pretty deep depression and only over the last 2yrs or so have I started coming out of it. Because he wasn't here, he never saw it and I worked pretty hard to keep it that way because I was sick, not thinking clearly and because I was stupid. But, long story short (ok not really) my life has always felt like the hinge-pin his revolved on. He's been coming and going and coming and going for so long that change never really occurred to me until the depression really bottomed me out and I demanded he "take a desk-job". At which time I went into overdrive pretending everything was sugar and spice and everything nice. His "desk-job" still involved travel but not nearly to the same degree and we had just enough time to work on some of our problems, remember how to live together on a permanent basis and then he was gone again.
Christopher's position was eliminated by the company recently (downsize operations and get investment capital for projects) and he has resumed his position as a Superintendent running installations with his own crew. The money is better............ much better. But we're back to a life of comings and goings again and I'm not the same person whose been doing it with him for all these many years.
Case in point- He went back out "on the road" about two weeks ago and has since been home twice unexpectedly and without any notice so to speak. "I'm coming home today honey!" on the answering machine when I walk in the door from work means a COMPLETE change of schedule/behavior for me. He can and usually does consume everything in the refrigerator so instead of puttering around the house today I'll be going grocery shopping. He is a gigantic slob (although I say that with affection) so when I'm not shopping or cooking I'll be cleaning up after him. And it is up to me to decide what "we" want to do about dinner, weather or not we go to a movie (and I REALLY just wanted to stay home and mellow-out this week-end), work in the yard, or do anything at all for that matter. Where I would be listening to music while writing this, we are watching tv with the volume up loud enough to not only be a distraction but an annoyance as well.
I'm tired, I'm crabby, I had an AWFUL week at work (there are times when this job takes more out of me than I have to give) and now instead of choosing what I'm in the mood for, when I'm in the mood for it; I'll be scheduling my week-end around everything that has to be taken care of and done to manage my many roles as "manager" of not only my own life but his as well.
I'm sorry. I was truly hoping I would feel better about this today than I did last night but I really don't.......... and now if you'll excuse me I have to go get in the shower and get my ass in gear.
The Story of "THE ROAD"
Christopher has been working in his chosen profession for about 15yrs. Over the course of those years I have been chief cook and bottle washer, relationship repairman, ambassador to both families at every event he couldn't make (often from Jan. straight through the middle of Nov.), bookkeeper, household administrator, maid and go-fer. I took these things on by my choice because.............. well, for a lot of reasons some less than altruistic than others.
In any case, suffice to say that these roles have become rather tired over the years as have I. One of the reasons I was so insistent that he come off the road was that I had been doing virtually all of those things alone with neither support nor much appreciation. To which he would reply that the money he was making MORE than compensated for the fact that he was never here and that I've forgotten how much he WAS home for. Ok, whatever......... Nobody has EVER worked as hard as he has, nobody ever will and I have been a financial anchor forever and should be sacrificed to the marriage gods as an apology for all my foolish behavior................ (sarcastic remark I have in fact made to him on more than one occasion)
I spent the last several years in a pretty deep depression and only over the last 2yrs or so have I started coming out of it. Because he wasn't here, he never saw it and I worked pretty hard to keep it that way because I was sick, not thinking clearly and because I was stupid. But, long story short (ok not really) my life has always felt like the hinge-pin his revolved on. He's been coming and going and coming and going for so long that change never really occurred to me until the depression really bottomed me out and I demanded he "take a desk-job". At which time I went into overdrive pretending everything was sugar and spice and everything nice. His "desk-job" still involved travel but not nearly to the same degree and we had just enough time to work on some of our problems, remember how to live together on a permanent basis and then he was gone again.
Christopher's position was eliminated by the company recently (downsize operations and get investment capital for projects) and he has resumed his position as a Superintendent running installations with his own crew. The money is better............ much better. But we're back to a life of comings and goings again and I'm not the same person whose been doing it with him for all these many years.
Case in point- He went back out "on the road" about two weeks ago and has since been home twice unexpectedly and without any notice so to speak. "I'm coming home today honey!" on the answering machine when I walk in the door from work means a COMPLETE change of schedule/behavior for me. He can and usually does consume everything in the refrigerator so instead of puttering around the house today I'll be going grocery shopping. He is a gigantic slob (although I say that with affection) so when I'm not shopping or cooking I'll be cleaning up after him. And it is up to me to decide what "we" want to do about dinner, weather or not we go to a movie (and I REALLY just wanted to stay home and mellow-out this week-end), work in the yard, or do anything at all for that matter. Where I would be listening to music while writing this, we are watching tv with the volume up loud enough to not only be a distraction but an annoyance as well.
I'm tired, I'm crabby, I had an AWFUL week at work (there are times when this job takes more out of me than I have to give) and now instead of choosing what I'm in the mood for, when I'm in the mood for it; I'll be scheduling my week-end around everything that has to be taken care of and done to manage my many roles as "manager" of not only my own life but his as well.
I'm sorry. I was truly hoping I would feel better about this today than I did last night but I really don't.......... and now if you'll excuse me I have to go get in the shower and get my ass in gear.
Replies
MAn, you sound like Bo and me; I am always supposed to rearrange MY schedule so he can get his way.
So Naughty Nancy, she climbed up the tree... because a nasty Johnny had given her a dime to see her panties... she explained to her mom... but she fooled him... he didn\'t get to see her panties no sirree.... she wasn\'t wearing any....
Well Janine... I agree with somebody... whoever it was said have your quiet weekend and let Chris join you... since he likes to eat and you don\'t want to spend the weekend cooking... order take out... Monday... hmmmmmm I like that idea... just picture the stuffiest one in KatMac\'s tutu and tinfoil tiara.... Hugs Elissa and I\'m going to walk away laughing my off... nope... its still there... darn...