I am not a happy camper. Unfortunately, there are few ways to describe WHY I feel this way without coming across as a pouty, whiney, self-absorbed little bitch......
The Story of "THE ROAD"
Christopher has been working in his chosen profession for about 15yrs. Over the course of those years I have been chief cook and bottle washer, relationship repairman, ambassador to both families at every event he couldn't make (often from Jan. straight through the middle of Nov.), bookkeeper, household administrator, maid and go-fer. I took these things on by my choice because.............. well, for a lot of reasons some less than altruistic than others.
In any case, suffice to say that these roles have become rather tired over the years as have I. One of the reasons I was so insistent that he come off the road was that I had been doing virtually all of those things alone with neither support nor much appreciation. To which he would reply that the money he was making MORE than compensated for the fact that he was never here and that I've forgotten how much he WAS home for. Ok, whatever......... Nobody has EVER worked as hard as he has, nobody ever will and I have been a financial anchor forever and should be sacrificed to the marriage gods as an apology for all my foolish behavior................ (sarcastic remark I have in fact made to him on more than one occasion)
I spent the last several years in a pretty deep depression and only over the last 2yrs or so have I started coming out of it. Because he wasn't here, he never saw it and I worked pretty hard to keep it that way because I was sick, not thinking clearly and because I was stupid. But, long story short (ok not really) my life has always felt like the hinge-pin his revolved on. He's been coming and going and coming and going for so long that change never really occurred to me until the depression really bottomed me out and I demanded he "take a desk-job". At which time I went into overdrive pretending everything was sugar and spice and everything nice. His "desk-job" still involved travel but not nearly to the same degree and we had just enough time to work on some of our problems, remember how to live together on a permanent basis and then he was gone again.
Christopher's position was eliminated by the company recently (downsize operations and get investment capital for projects) and he has resumed his position as a Superintendent running installations with his own crew. The money is better............ much better. But we're back to a life of comings and goings again and I'm not the same person whose been doing it with him for all these many years.
Case in point- He went back out "on the road" about two weeks ago and has since been home twice unexpectedly and without any notice so to speak. "I'm coming home today honey!" on the answering machine when I walk in the door from work means a COMPLETE change of schedule/behavior for me. He can and usually does consume everything in the refrigerator so instead of puttering around the house today I'll be going grocery shopping. He is a gigantic slob (although I say that with affection) so when I'm not shopping or cooking I'll be cleaning up after him. And it is up to me to decide what "we" want to do about dinner, weather or not we go to a movie (and I REALLY just wanted to stay home and mellow-out this week-end), work in the yard, or do anything at all for that matter. Where I would be listening to music while writing this, we are watching tv with the volume up loud enough to not only be a distraction but an annoyance as well.
I'm tired, I'm crabby, I had an AWFUL week at work (there are times when this job takes more out of me than I have to give) and now instead of choosing what I'm in the mood for, when I'm in the mood for it; I'll be scheduling my week-end around everything that has to be taken care of and done to manage my many roles as "manager" of not only my own life but his as well.
I'm sorry. I was truly hoping I would feel better about this today than I did last night but I really don't.......... and now if you'll excuse me I have to go get in the shower and get my ass in gear.
The Story of "THE ROAD"
Christopher has been working in his chosen profession for about 15yrs. Over the course of those years I have been chief cook and bottle washer, relationship repairman, ambassador to both families at every event he couldn't make (often from Jan. straight through the middle of Nov.), bookkeeper, household administrator, maid and go-fer. I took these things on by my choice because.............. well, for a lot of reasons some less than altruistic than others.
In any case, suffice to say that these roles have become rather tired over the years as have I. One of the reasons I was so insistent that he come off the road was that I had been doing virtually all of those things alone with neither support nor much appreciation. To which he would reply that the money he was making MORE than compensated for the fact that he was never here and that I've forgotten how much he WAS home for. Ok, whatever......... Nobody has EVER worked as hard as he has, nobody ever will and I have been a financial anchor forever and should be sacrificed to the marriage gods as an apology for all my foolish behavior................ (sarcastic remark I have in fact made to him on more than one occasion)
I spent the last several years in a pretty deep depression and only over the last 2yrs or so have I started coming out of it. Because he wasn't here, he never saw it and I worked pretty hard to keep it that way because I was sick, not thinking clearly and because I was stupid. But, long story short (ok not really) my life has always felt like the hinge-pin his revolved on. He's been coming and going and coming and going for so long that change never really occurred to me until the depression really bottomed me out and I demanded he "take a desk-job". At which time I went into overdrive pretending everything was sugar and spice and everything nice. His "desk-job" still involved travel but not nearly to the same degree and we had just enough time to work on some of our problems, remember how to live together on a permanent basis and then he was gone again.
Christopher's position was eliminated by the company recently (downsize operations and get investment capital for projects) and he has resumed his position as a Superintendent running installations with his own crew. The money is better............ much better. But we're back to a life of comings and goings again and I'm not the same person whose been doing it with him for all these many years.
Case in point- He went back out "on the road" about two weeks ago and has since been home twice unexpectedly and without any notice so to speak. "I'm coming home today honey!" on the answering machine when I walk in the door from work means a COMPLETE change of schedule/behavior for me. He can and usually does consume everything in the refrigerator so instead of puttering around the house today I'll be going grocery shopping. He is a gigantic slob (although I say that with affection) so when I'm not shopping or cooking I'll be cleaning up after him. And it is up to me to decide what "we" want to do about dinner, weather or not we go to a movie (and I REALLY just wanted to stay home and mellow-out this week-end), work in the yard, or do anything at all for that matter. Where I would be listening to music while writing this, we are watching tv with the volume up loud enough to not only be a distraction but an annoyance as well.
I'm tired, I'm crabby, I had an AWFUL week at work (there are times when this job takes more out of me than I have to give) and now instead of choosing what I'm in the mood for, when I'm in the mood for it; I'll be scheduling my week-end around everything that has to be taken care of and done to manage my many roles as "manager" of not only my own life but his as well.
I'm sorry. I was truly hoping I would feel better about this today than I did last night but I really don't.......... and now if you'll excuse me I have to go get in the shower and get my ass in gear.
Replies
AND THAT MY FRIEND IS WHY I DON\'T GIVE TWO SHITS IF I EVER LIVE WITH ANOTHER MAN. I\'M FREEEEEEEE!!!!! I DON\'T CARE HOW HARD THEY WORK OR DON\'T WORK, IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO THEY WANT US TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. OH I\'M SUPPOSE TO CHEER YOU UP, OOPS!!!!! MARRIAGE IS SO DAM HARD, AND WE WOMAN JUST GIVE IN TO THERE WANTS TOO EASILY. HEY, WHY DON\'T YOU TRY SOMETHING NEW AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU TOLD US. YOU WANT TO HAVE A NICE QUIET RELAXING WEEKEND, AND YOUR NOT GOING TO CHANGE THINGS JUST BECAUSE HE IS HOME. WHY DOESN\'T HE TELL YOU AHEAD OF TIME? MEN, OFF WITH THERE HEADS!!!!!!! HOPE I GOT A LITTLE SMILE!!!!!!! LOVE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Here at the RV park known as Unhappy Camperland....you are soooo understood and appreciated...and as a bonus, there are no interlopers, no managerial duties, no task list, no annoyances (unless you count our poetry)...just support and understanding...it is all serene for Janine here at the park. So vent away and know we are here to listen, that we care and offer your choice of background music. ((((((love you)))))))
Di I ever tell you how happily divorced I am? Of course there are still the phone calls asking when his last tetnus shot was or what meds he\'s allergic to or ..well you get the picture. Now don\'t get me wrong..we are very close...he lives in North Carolina and I live in Pennsylvania but we email back and forth and he does give me great Mother\'s Day and Birthday presents (thus the happy divorce!)
Do you mind if I observe... a part time husband....a part time teaching position....a bird that lays virgin eggs....a Chin that roams at night...do you see a pattern? Frustration! You are bright, funny, sensible, creative, empathetic, sensitive and resourceful. Seems to me you would prefer to dive in and be double deep complete into everything i.e. your marriage, your career, your goofy animals, your friendships AND some type of creative endeavor. HMMM Could not being completely involved in something be making you frustrated?
I hate anyone making demands on my time. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I loved when Mickey went away with the Marine Corps Reserve, That was the time I tore down walls and built cabinets and floored the attic, etc. He told me once that when he came home he demanded a lot of attention because he was possitive that I really didn\'t need him and he wanted me to know how much he needed me. He could have kept that lesson!
You know we are responsible for our own happiness. No one can make us happy. Can I advise? Do what you want to do this weekend. Don\'t entertain. If Chris wants to do something, let him tell you and if it sounds good to you do it, if not..blow it off. Make a big bowl of peopcorn and get constipated..if that\'s what you want to do. You are not being a bitch! You are being resentful and that is warranted! You run a perfectly smooth ship with only tiny ripples and then someone throws a rock into the works. Okay, stamp your foot! Get music onto an Ipod and use headphones! Don\'t you have a favorite Chick Flick? Personally I\'d steer clear of the yard! (for obvious reasons). If the kids in school are impossible, or if the faculty are snots, picture them with our hats on. That should at least make you appear to be pleasant. Hey, if you need to mellow...let the world go to hell in a handbasket. I bet you still see the sun tomorrow and the animals and Chris and the yard and I guarantee..we will all be here.
Anyway, that\'s just how I see it and we know I am perverse!
Love Ya!
Kathy
And now something else...just pondering outloud so to speak...as a result of a.)background & upbringing, b.)depression, c.)PTSD, I find that I need, really NEED to know what is going to happen next. Like I need to know what to count on, what the plans are, what\'s shaking so that I can be in that zone mentally. Unfortunately my life has been one shock and disaster after another which has left me off balance time and time again. I do not react well to sudden change in most circumstances, or at least have not in the past. Stability and being able to count on those close to me to follow thru with plans are extremely important. Often, upset to routine can cause disappointment, anxiety, resentment, well...a whole slew of unpleasant emotions. Though at times I like a little spontaneity, I have to really be in a carefree mood. (and besides, my plans matter too!) Too many bad things have taken me by surprise. I don\'t really like surprises that are intended for me much at all...not parties even. Maybe it even goes back to the old scouting oath, always prepared. I need to be mentally prepared. I think I\'d be in a mighty foul mood if I had to keep going in circles to rearrange, juggle, and manage as you are.
I\'m sorry you had a rough week and that Christopher was not more considerate of your plans. Wish I had some sage advice but the best I can offer is to be the wonderful Janine that we know when he is home...what more could anyone want than such an amazing woman?
Hey Syb...didn\'t that \"be prepared\" thing refer to boyscouts carrying rubbers? you know for puddles and stuff....
oh yeah, Kat, I think you may be correct on that...definitely for puddles and stuff. But wait, does that mean I was really in the boy scouts all those years? What\'d I sell all those cookies for?
To pay for the camp trips that had the puddles. Remember they taught you to be a puddle jumper?
And I most assuredly jumped over those camp puddles! (Sybil wonders to herself...\"Self, why were you the only boy scout whose uniform was a dress?\")
Alright now you all lost me, Lisa said \"MEN! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!\" I thought we all agreed penis\' or penisis were all pricks or was it attatched to pricks?, so shouldn\'t she have said \"MEN! OFF WITH THEIR PRICKS!!?????? Wait now, let\'s get this straight, are men pricks that have a preoccupation with their penis\' or penisis?? Or are they penis\' or penisis who have no brains in their heads so that would make them all just plain pricks???? OR????? well you get my point! I think they\'re all expecting us to fall at their feet and worship their PRICK GOD @$$es that we know they are. Well they have another think coming, there \"is\" an \"uprising\" on the way, where we\'ll all be standing at the foot of our beds in flannel and cold cream and rollers in our heads. Then all the PRICK GODS will fall never to return. So I say to you ladies, we\'re just biding time to strengthen our forces. We shall beat down the PRICK GODS with all of our might, with our armors of flannel and helmets of rollers and face plates of cold cream we are \"prepared\" and ready and we shall \"overcome\" Now for the Boyscouts, and being prepared by carrying rubbers (for puddles and stuff) my my they sure are teaching them young now how to be prepared PRICK GODS.... We must teach all our daughters our method of retaliation, NIP IT IN THE BUD I SAY!!!! they must all meet with Janine for training, I hear she\'s gardening today......
Kaydeedid, the picture you paint of Janine holding training sessions in her garden is priceless! Thank you!!!!!
Don;t forget her wearing the aviator hat with the propeller on top. What a picture!
Self...why was tht boyscout wearing a dress?
THANYOU SWEET SYBIL YOU\'VE ALL TAUGHT ME WELL!!! WHAT FUN I\'VE BEEN HAVING!!! OH DARN!!! I FORGOT THE AVIATOR HAT!!! YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT FOR ME KAT, YOU KNOW I HAVEN\'T SLEPT MUCH AND I JUST MAY END UP ON THE TOILET WITH A HURTING GUT AND HAVING HALUCINATIONS. I\'M AFFRAID I ALREADY AM, I DO SEEM TO BE A LITTLE OBSESSED WITH THE WHOLE PLURAL PENIS THING. I\'M HAVING A GREAT DEAL OF FUN PLAYING AS YOU WOULD SAY KAT, AND THE HALUCINATIONS AINT SO BAD EITHER. THEY REALLY SEEM TO GET MY CREATIVE JUICES FLOWING.............OK! OK! I HEAR YOU ALREADY, I\'LL GET SOME SLEEP.. MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL! NIGHT NIGHT..................
DAMN!!! THAN\"K\"YOU SWEET SYBIL.... AND BY THE WAY THE SCOUT WEARING THE DRESS, GET YOUR CREATIVE JUICES FLOWING BECAUSE I SIMPLY MUST GET UP IN THE AM AND RUN TO MY PCU TO FIND OUT WHERE YOU\'RE GOING WITH THAT.
Self says she was wearing a dress because being totally a by the book scout, when the recruiter specified a \"dress uniform\" was required that is what she requested at the scouting supply store. Of course none of the boys complained about the dress...they never pointed that it was not a proper \"dress uniform\"...so many times they said it was the perfect uniform for the more physically demanding tasks such as climing ladders, poles, ropes, and trees...they were always most admiring of self\'s climbing skills. These skills were always in great demand...unsure why there were no merit badges for self\'s accomplishments in the climbing department.
Syb this gives new meaning to dress uniform....or up yours....or up a tree...or crush the little puddle jumpers....or are they pricks? Oh wait if you crush the little prinks your don\'t need the rubblers so what about the cookies...oh hell bring them to the next party ...if they are stale we\'ll through them at the little pricks!