Changes
I have been thinking a lot about how I've changed in the last 4-5 years (mainly comparing high school to college). I decided to ask my ex what's different about me, since we dated through high school and she knew me better than anyone then, and now she knows me pretty well because we hang out every week or so.
She said that I seem more outgoing now than I did before, but it's like I'm being fake. I can't really see how that makes sense to me, but I guess from her point of view it does. I can see where I seem fake because I don't express any emotion except happiness, and it's probably the only emotion I don't feel on a daily basis.
She said I "act like everything's fine." I can see where she's coming from, but it makes sense. Who wants to be around the guy that acts like everything's not fine? Especially over a year after everything happened. I can't see myself ever being ok with anyone involved, which encompasses everyone close in my life. If I embraced being not fine with all of them, then I would be completely isolated from anyone in my old life. I want to move on, I need to move on. But moving on means physically moving to a new location and starting a new life. It sounds like something from a novel or a movie, which is why I haven't done it, it's just ridiculous. I'm not going to shut myself off from my family, I have to keep seeing them. That is one thing that causes me to think of suicide.
High school just seemed so much simpler. I was smarter than everyone else, I had a close group of friends for whom I was the 'leader of the pack', I was president of clubs, captain of sports teams, I had a girl that would never leave me, I was the pride of my family, friends, their parents, neighbors. Everyone expected nothing but greatness from me, and thus far I had given them what they asked for along with the blueprints of what would be a societally profitable career. Looking back on my pre-depression times, I don't think I had always been looking for greatness, there was a time when I wanted to have a simple job that would bring me joy (being a math teacher or programming video games; yes, I had quite childish fantasies). After making it through my first episode of depression, for the first year or so, I considered myself to have died on the date I had planned my suicide, and what was left was simply a body, a tool, capable of improving society in some way. I knew that I was smart, and I would give back to the world, rather than seek out personal happiness. This is when I decided to major in biomedical engineering. A doctor saves lives on a daily basis, but the person that is inventing ways of improving quality of life makes progress on a much more widespread level. Thus, my goals were set on nothing but the best to accomplish my task. I've spent the last year or so looking back at who I was and wondering where my drive for anything went. I can't even get the drive to get out of bed some days let alone set goals for anything more than a week out. I want nothing more than to have a cold, lifeless goal to follow. And I want that now, only after I decided my freshmen year of college, that I wanted nothing more than to be average and only have to worry about my personal happiness. In the middle of the first semester, I didn't know what I was doing there. I talked it over with my girlfriend at the time, and she said that I shouldn't have to worry about what everyone else thinks, I should do whatever makes me happy. I had something of an epiphany at that time, I wasn't just a lifeless drone; I wanted to live a simple life, with a wife and kids, and a 9-5 job with decent pay. And now I'm at a university that churns out nothing but that.
She said that I seem more outgoing now than I did before, but it's like I'm being fake. I can't really see how that makes sense to me, but I guess from her point of view it does. I can see where I seem fake because I don't express any emotion except happiness, and it's probably the only emotion I don't feel on a daily basis.
She said I "act like everything's fine." I can see where she's coming from, but it makes sense. Who wants to be around the guy that acts like everything's not fine? Especially over a year after everything happened. I can't see myself ever being ok with anyone involved, which encompasses everyone close in my life. If I embraced being not fine with all of them, then I would be completely isolated from anyone in my old life. I want to move on, I need to move on. But moving on means physically moving to a new location and starting a new life. It sounds like something from a novel or a movie, which is why I haven't done it, it's just ridiculous. I'm not going to shut myself off from my family, I have to keep seeing them. That is one thing that causes me to think of suicide.
High school just seemed so much simpler. I was smarter than everyone else, I had a close group of friends for whom I was the 'leader of the pack', I was president of clubs, captain of sports teams, I had a girl that would never leave me, I was the pride of my family, friends, their parents, neighbors. Everyone expected nothing but greatness from me, and thus far I had given them what they asked for along with the blueprints of what would be a societally profitable career. Looking back on my pre-depression times, I don't think I had always been looking for greatness, there was a time when I wanted to have a simple job that would bring me joy (being a math teacher or programming video games; yes, I had quite childish fantasies). After making it through my first episode of depression, for the first year or so, I considered myself to have died on the date I had planned my suicide, and what was left was simply a body, a tool, capable of improving society in some way. I knew that I was smart, and I would give back to the world, rather than seek out personal happiness. This is when I decided to major in biomedical engineering. A doctor saves lives on a daily basis, but the person that is inventing ways of improving quality of life makes progress on a much more widespread level. Thus, my goals were set on nothing but the best to accomplish my task. I've spent the last year or so looking back at who I was and wondering where my drive for anything went. I can't even get the drive to get out of bed some days let alone set goals for anything more than a week out. I want nothing more than to have a cold, lifeless goal to follow. And I want that now, only after I decided my freshmen year of college, that I wanted nothing more than to be average and only have to worry about my personal happiness. In the middle of the first semester, I didn't know what I was doing there. I talked it over with my girlfriend at the time, and she said that I shouldn't have to worry about what everyone else thinks, I should do whatever makes me happy. I had something of an epiphany at that time, I wasn't just a lifeless drone; I wanted to live a simple life, with a wife and kids, and a 9-5 job with decent pay. And now I'm at a university that churns out nothing but that.
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