ex
well, I told myself I wouldn't hang out with my ex for a few weeks, but it's been a week and she called me this morning and in my half asleep daze, I agreed to her coming to my apartment and then us going to get lunch. while at lunch, she decided to bring up the new guy she's going to date, and I decided to let her know how I feel about her talking about that stuff with me. she was allowed to do all sorts of terrible things to me during a month long process of breaking up with me, and I forgave her, so if I'm mean once in a while, she should be able to get over it too.
I told her how I didn't want to talk to the new guy or be forced to hang out with him, because I never wanted to meet her last abusive boyfriend but she would do sneaky shit like say she was meeting me for lunch alone but show up with him. then I told her how I didn't like it that she blamed me not liking her last guy for them breaking up, since all of her friends that she's been talking to for a whooping 2-3 months were allowed to belittle him, but I was expected to be his best friend and want to have him around all the time. then I told her how her new friends tell me we shouldn't hang out and how they tell me she regretted ever dating me and how they said they tell her not to talk to me anymore too. then she pulls the "I feel like I can't have a boyfriend and be friends with you at the same time" card. guess what! you're completely and totally right! because I'm not going to hang around her still loving her if she's committed to another guy. it's not fair to him, I wouldn't have wanted guys that liked her hanging out with her alone when we were dating for 4 years, so I'm not going to play the part of the 'other guy.' and quite honestly, I don't plan to have her hanging around when I get a new girlfriend, and I haven't gotten a new girlfriend because I know I'll have to give up our friendship for the new girl. obviously she's more worried about her new boyfriend than our friendship, so maybe I shouldn't care so much about us being friends. I feel like even now that we're broken up, I'm still the only one that cares about 'us' whether 'us' means we're together or it means we're just friends.
it's days like today that I remember that I was the better person in our relationship, that I had the raw materials to become anything I wanted to be and be the absolute best at it. I threw away my future trying to chase happiness with her, but now I need to find a way to be happy without her. I want to be physically fit and contribute to society in a way that changes lives. I want her to regret leaving me and then not going back out with me because a few people I was friends with didn't like her. there's going to be people that don't like you, they may have a reason, they might not. their reason might be valid, or it might be completely fabricated from nonsense. I don't care; I loved her, she loved me. that's all I needed to be happy. I'm going to remind her who was the better one out of the two of us.
I wish I could think positive all the time. the other side of me wants to remember that I loved her and will never love again, and if I do love again, how can I believe I ever loved her. what if we had gotten married, and then I found someone else that I loved more? I like to think that she's my soulmate, and that I'll perish if I have to continue existing without her by my side.
I think my best option right now would be to actually talk to a therapist and get medicine so I can deal with stress and not think about dying every other second of my life. then I'll be prepared enough to go back to a university with a decent ranking. although it may not be MIT, it's still better than where I am now. I can't keep trying to morph my being into something that she would like more. I am who I am. I came back to a hometown college because I wanted so badly to be average, something that she would like. I can't make myself average, I have to embrace being intelligent again. I have to rebuild my confidence in myself, the same confidence that let me believe I was the absolute best at anything and everything. maybe being the guy she fell in love with will win her back, and if it doesn't, I'll probably not want to die all the time.
I feel like I'm rambling a lot, but it's so nice to get things written down.. tonight I didn't break my 5 weeks of being SI free, and I ate some foods I'm not comfortable with eating and didn't binge. tomorrow I get back on my meal plan, and as soon as my shoulder recovers, I'll return to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. I keep saying my life is going to turn back around, but maybe I can hold onto this feeling of 'I can do anything' for a bit longer. these high moments feel so good, but they make the low moments so much harder to deal with.
I told her how I didn't want to talk to the new guy or be forced to hang out with him, because I never wanted to meet her last abusive boyfriend but she would do sneaky shit like say she was meeting me for lunch alone but show up with him. then I told her how I didn't like it that she blamed me not liking her last guy for them breaking up, since all of her friends that she's been talking to for a whooping 2-3 months were allowed to belittle him, but I was expected to be his best friend and want to have him around all the time. then I told her how her new friends tell me we shouldn't hang out and how they tell me she regretted ever dating me and how they said they tell her not to talk to me anymore too. then she pulls the "I feel like I can't have a boyfriend and be friends with you at the same time" card. guess what! you're completely and totally right! because I'm not going to hang around her still loving her if she's committed to another guy. it's not fair to him, I wouldn't have wanted guys that liked her hanging out with her alone when we were dating for 4 years, so I'm not going to play the part of the 'other guy.' and quite honestly, I don't plan to have her hanging around when I get a new girlfriend, and I haven't gotten a new girlfriend because I know I'll have to give up our friendship for the new girl. obviously she's more worried about her new boyfriend than our friendship, so maybe I shouldn't care so much about us being friends. I feel like even now that we're broken up, I'm still the only one that cares about 'us' whether 'us' means we're together or it means we're just friends.
it's days like today that I remember that I was the better person in our relationship, that I had the raw materials to become anything I wanted to be and be the absolute best at it. I threw away my future trying to chase happiness with her, but now I need to find a way to be happy without her. I want to be physically fit and contribute to society in a way that changes lives. I want her to regret leaving me and then not going back out with me because a few people I was friends with didn't like her. there's going to be people that don't like you, they may have a reason, they might not. their reason might be valid, or it might be completely fabricated from nonsense. I don't care; I loved her, she loved me. that's all I needed to be happy. I'm going to remind her who was the better one out of the two of us.
I wish I could think positive all the time. the other side of me wants to remember that I loved her and will never love again, and if I do love again, how can I believe I ever loved her. what if we had gotten married, and then I found someone else that I loved more? I like to think that she's my soulmate, and that I'll perish if I have to continue existing without her by my side.
I think my best option right now would be to actually talk to a therapist and get medicine so I can deal with stress and not think about dying every other second of my life. then I'll be prepared enough to go back to a university with a decent ranking. although it may not be MIT, it's still better than where I am now. I can't keep trying to morph my being into something that she would like more. I am who I am. I came back to a hometown college because I wanted so badly to be average, something that she would like. I can't make myself average, I have to embrace being intelligent again. I have to rebuild my confidence in myself, the same confidence that let me believe I was the absolute best at anything and everything. maybe being the guy she fell in love with will win her back, and if it doesn't, I'll probably not want to die all the time.
I feel like I'm rambling a lot, but it's so nice to get things written down.. tonight I didn't break my 5 weeks of being SI free, and I ate some foods I'm not comfortable with eating and didn't binge. tomorrow I get back on my meal plan, and as soon as my shoulder recovers, I'll return to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. I keep saying my life is going to turn back around, but maybe I can hold onto this feeling of 'I can do anything' for a bit longer. these high moments feel so good, but they make the low moments so much harder to deal with.
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