My weekend.
i had a lovely friday arvo, was at my bfs, then saturday morning he was at work i cleaned his room, played with foxtel had a nice time then on the way back to mine i was planning the night out at a horse spectacular i was taking my family to for mums bday, only to get home to my small animals(9rabbits and 3guineapigs) NOT cleaned out like i had BEGGED my sister to do(an she had promised as this was the 3rd time she had let me down) so i did that, leaving my lunch to get cold, mum comes around and asks me why im doing it and not each lunch, and i said i jsut had to get it done, and she starts protecting my sister, saying its been a roughh day and i assumed maybe my dads mum had passed away, (we are expecting it to be soonish), mum shocks me with the news that my uncle(mums mums sisters husband, so my nannas brother inlaw) has passed away, he was like a grand parent to me, the only uncle in my whole massive italian family that i love loved and didnt just you know.. love cause i have to, i loved seeing my Aunt n Uncle, i was shattered, kept it together and finished my cages, fiddled with my lunch and went and watched sis and bf playing black ops. everyone seemed like nthing had happened. my bf asked me what was up i lied and he kept telling me not to lie to him. when im upset if ppl ask whats up i deny deny deny then i just lose it and break. he got shitty at me and pushed me away and i got a sob caught in my throat and he looked at me, tears streaming down my face he got me up dragged me to my room where i broke down well and truely crying for over an hour for no reason, be cause he didnt know. between breaths i finally told him and he said some stuff, not much sunk in. he pushed me in for a shower, i just stared at the water... turned it off and went to my room, fell asleep in my towel, mum comes in and yells at me to get up saying "what would matt do if he walked in right now. GET UP AND GET CHANGED!!!" this traumatised me further.so i did, i got up got changed, skipped the makeup, skipped my hair, looked andfelt a mess before i left i cut my wrist and covered it with a wrist band. regretted it immediatly. bf saw and immediatly ripped it off and huggd me, i went out had an okay time, got home went to bed and fell asleep crying, woke up today to nan asking me if i wanted lunch, i said no but she musta taken it as yes, i get out of bed for 30mins to play with my food and then when i was going back mum has a go at my wrist band, saying why was i wearing it, growling at me to take it off, i tried to get past her btu i was littterally in a corner, i got awy from her and yelled/growled to leave me alone.
5pm comes and mums in my sisters room just up the hall from me saying some stuff i didnt catch it. then comes to mine asks me to feed horses and i said mmmmand she slams my door telling me not to bother, she didnt ask my sister who owns 2 horses, no she only ever fuking asks me.so i go out and look after my little animals, giving them water and food NEITHER of wich they had. i go down to the barn in my pjs and mum tells me to go away walking past me with goat food and i told her to fucking give them too me and to stop being fucking stupid, (i dont ever swear at her like that but ive had it) she tells me to go away, that i make her sick. i go feed my goats come back feed my horse and then do as she asked and i go up the house, as im leaving the barn she has a go saying theres water and shit to pick up and i spun saying what the fuck do you want?! you tlel me to go then whan i do you hve a go at me, she told me just to fuck off then. so i go in my room and try to deal by playing a little online game, she comes in and starts by asking whats wrong.. i ask her what do u fucking think, she then tells me to show her my wrist i tell her to just leave me alone, i burst into tears and she goes on and on saying no she wont leave me allone and to show her, i tell her seriously and venomously Dont touch me, it wasnt yelled it was said with the utmost poison possible. she then grabs me around the neck and my body pulling me to her fighting for my arm to see, im shaking and crying at this stage and shes fought with me for a minute then walks rodnt eh other side of the bed and pulls my arm away ripping off my wrist band and throwing my arm at me, saying im starting this shit again, she has no fucking clue, 8 years i hid this from her. and im still hiding it, she has no idea. i asked her why she hated me and she didnt even defend herself. he told me not to put it on her, and i screamed at her why is everyone okay with losing him, she said they arent, eveyrones just dealing with it differently, and i said EXACTLY!! and she said, why cant you just say that, just say you are dealing.... so what im aloud to cut if i say im just dealing. yer right....
right now im finding it hard to breathe, my leg is burning my lungs are seariing, my stomach is hurting and im scared to sleep tonight. i dont wanna be here anymore. but i dont wanna burden my bf or friends.
5pm comes and mums in my sisters room just up the hall from me saying some stuff i didnt catch it. then comes to mine asks me to feed horses and i said mmmmand she slams my door telling me not to bother, she didnt ask my sister who owns 2 horses, no she only ever fuking asks me.so i go out and look after my little animals, giving them water and food NEITHER of wich they had. i go down to the barn in my pjs and mum tells me to go away walking past me with goat food and i told her to fucking give them too me and to stop being fucking stupid, (i dont ever swear at her like that but ive had it) she tells me to go away, that i make her sick. i go feed my goats come back feed my horse and then do as she asked and i go up the house, as im leaving the barn she has a go saying theres water and shit to pick up and i spun saying what the fuck do you want?! you tlel me to go then whan i do you hve a go at me, she told me just to fuck off then. so i go in my room and try to deal by playing a little online game, she comes in and starts by asking whats wrong.. i ask her what do u fucking think, she then tells me to show her my wrist i tell her to just leave me alone, i burst into tears and she goes on and on saying no she wont leave me allone and to show her, i tell her seriously and venomously Dont touch me, it wasnt yelled it was said with the utmost poison possible. she then grabs me around the neck and my body pulling me to her fighting for my arm to see, im shaking and crying at this stage and shes fought with me for a minute then walks rodnt eh other side of the bed and pulls my arm away ripping off my wrist band and throwing my arm at me, saying im starting this shit again, she has no fucking clue, 8 years i hid this from her. and im still hiding it, she has no idea. i asked her why she hated me and she didnt even defend herself. he told me not to put it on her, and i screamed at her why is everyone okay with losing him, she said they arent, eveyrones just dealing with it differently, and i said EXACTLY!! and she said, why cant you just say that, just say you are dealing.... so what im aloud to cut if i say im just dealing. yer right....
right now im finding it hard to breathe, my leg is burning my lungs are seariing, my stomach is hurting and im scared to sleep tonight. i dont wanna be here anymore. but i dont wanna burden my bf or friends.
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