Lost

This weather is getting to me, I am wallowing in self loathing and depression and I know this long cold winter is a huge reason. I've also come to my edge with a few other problems that I don't know how to deal with anymore. I'm sinking into the comfort of cutting, mainly because there is little comfort in my life. Last year I made just over $5,000 and my husband made none, he didn't even look until I lost it on him multiple times in the last month after 13 months of unemployment. He needed time, please don't get me wrong, after his mother passed he worked for five months and when he got fired I wanted him to take time. I knew I was in condition to go back to work but it turned out I wasn't, then I got worse and it wasn't until an awful experience with an NP at a local Psych clinic that I switch Dr's and got on the right meds and quickly found work and have been there since. $800 a month isn't enough to heat, light and water the place on top of trying to feed us properly. I have grown resentful towards him for not caring enough about us, our family unit, to try harder. He has literally watched movies and played video games for over a year and all the while his child support has built up and taken from my tax returns which I would rather something got to them than nothing but it isn't something I can take care of for him even though I have sent several hundred dollars in payments for him as well. I have been cutting for comfort, I have no intention of stopping. He thinks he found the blade I've been using but it's actually tucked inside the pages of my journal. He's locked me out of the bedroom tonight, not the first time and I'm sure not the last. It doesn't help that I want to escape and die but to curl up alone drives it deeper. I spent so long alone and lonely and I thought I was marrying a partner to have through thick and thin and yet the loneliness has just become more painful because it is a rejection.