Grief

I wrote this friday, but had to email it to myself
 
I think I figured out why I have so much trouble with this family.  People don't want anything to do with me, yet I long for the family relationship and stay amid the chaos.  Now I can't explain this too well, but I'll try.  When a loved one dies, there is a ceremony, body is buried or destroyed. And you slowly move on with occasional hurtful memory or reminder.  But with this, they are alive but ignore me.  Kids spend time with me but mom lies about where there were.  I try to help, and am put down for it.  Because I love the children, as if we were family (which we are) I am accused of rape and attempted murder.  Yet here I am, full of love, willing to give and all I get is hatred.  I need to, no I must if I am going to live, I must find the way to put them in the past, grieve and move onward.