Work
I am so so so blessed.
I have been working for this small design firm since 1987, through thick and thin. We've seen a lot of life together, we eight. After the last few weeks of emotional exhaustion, I realized how much it takes out of me to just be there, putting aside my heart for those long hours.
It's not about me there, not about Andy. We're billing our clients for excellent design services and products, for focus and accuracy. If the work is fun, that's just the cherry on top for me. I generally like it. But I have had such a hard time with focus and logistical stuff in my exhaustion.
On Monday I said to my employer Terry and business manager Eileen that I can't keep up. My emotional stamina is shot. So I said with a big lump in my throat that I think I need to cut back. Terry said, "Tell us what we can do for you." I said that I think I need to work Monday Wednesday and Fridays. I'll come in or check in or chip in on Tuesdays and Thursdays as needed and if I feel up to it. Terry just said of course, and that he was grateful for anything I could do. <insert blinky tears of gratitude!>
Just knowing, if there is a hard day, that all I have to do is do my best and get through it and wash up on the restful shores of 'tomorrow'... is huge peace of mind. Clearly this is not about having deluxe weekends. I just have to work every other day... like a pitcher in the big leagues, haha. Protect the fragile broken heart as it very slowly finds a way to beat again, to feel connected again.
I don't think I would have understood as much as I do about how normal all of this is, or that it's ALL normal whatever we go through, without FMO and my counselors... I can't do this alone, or at least I know it would take forever. For me the biggest challenge is identifying my emotions, the challenge involved, and figuring out how to tell the world what I need. Mmm, that's all. That is my work.
xox Sarah
I have been working for this small design firm since 1987, through thick and thin. We've seen a lot of life together, we eight. After the last few weeks of emotional exhaustion, I realized how much it takes out of me to just be there, putting aside my heart for those long hours.
It's not about me there, not about Andy. We're billing our clients for excellent design services and products, for focus and accuracy. If the work is fun, that's just the cherry on top for me. I generally like it. But I have had such a hard time with focus and logistical stuff in my exhaustion.
On Monday I said to my employer Terry and business manager Eileen that I can't keep up. My emotional stamina is shot. So I said with a big lump in my throat that I think I need to cut back. Terry said, "Tell us what we can do for you." I said that I think I need to work Monday Wednesday and Fridays. I'll come in or check in or chip in on Tuesdays and Thursdays as needed and if I feel up to it. Terry just said of course, and that he was grateful for anything I could do. <insert blinky tears of gratitude!>
Just knowing, if there is a hard day, that all I have to do is do my best and get through it and wash up on the restful shores of 'tomorrow'... is huge peace of mind. Clearly this is not about having deluxe weekends. I just have to work every other day... like a pitcher in the big leagues, haha. Protect the fragile broken heart as it very slowly finds a way to beat again, to feel connected again.
I don't think I would have understood as much as I do about how normal all of this is, or that it's ALL normal whatever we go through, without FMO and my counselors... I can't do this alone, or at least I know it would take forever. For me the biggest challenge is identifying my emotions, the challenge involved, and figuring out how to tell the world what I need. Mmm, that's all. That is my work.
xox Sarah
Replies
ow wonderful you have colleagues such as this, and especially in this economy...
And it sounds as if you are now tuning in and paying real attention to you and what you can and cannot do. How marvelous that your work values you ad will flex during this terrible time.
Hopefully that will be an additional peice of your healing circle.
love and hopes for more comfort and healing....
You are taking care of you....that is key, for as much as we are all connected, we are also alone unto ourselves. It hurts so much, it changes who we are, but along this path, we reach for the Heavens, and we are kissed by Angels.
Love and light, Rebecca
It is still new....this vacancy of the heart.....I would think that you have had little time to adjust.....we do but we don\'t....if that makes sense....if ever you need support in your life...it is now.....it is nice that your employer is willing to work with you.....I am glad you see that you need to step back and do the grieving on your terms as best as you can. love and peace.....dale, brandon\'s mom
I\'m glad you are taking care of you - and other people are, too, by the sound of it. This is a long journey which makes no sense - and although we can never get over it, we try for the strength to live with it. Wishing you peace ~ Joanna
Only now after a year and 4 months on the 4th do I even think I could maybe handle having a job I had to go to each day. My hat goes off to all you Moms who had to return to a job with this heartache. My brain is so fogged somedays I just can\'t imagine trying to work and focus.
Marilyn xo
You are so fortunate to have the option, I think we all need it. For me, I did have to return to full time work just three weeks after my son died. To this day, I have no idea how I did it. But being single and soul supporter of myself, there was no other option. I am a dog groomer so I did find solace working with my dogs and my co-workers put up with me for that long first year. And the second. And it is always still there about Michael at work, since they knew him. I guess I like my job. I think work is good. Love Belinda
To ask for what we need is such a big step. I\'m so happy for you, Sarah. This will be your option on those days that you need to take care of your self and mend your broken heart. I understand we are each different in what we need and way to go in voicing it to those you work with. One day at a time and now the wiggle room that you are longing for. With love, Joanie
Wow, I am so amazed that there are people in this world that undestand.. you , my friend, have a wonderful employer and working frineds, to hep you is so wonderful...I myself, feel jealous, can you bottle up your employer and send it to me? ( and mine is family) Kudos to you for taking care of yourself, Nora
Sarah, you have such courage.....and your employer knows how valuble you are....yet he is willing to help your thru....goes to show their are good people in the world.....I pray you find peace my freind...Pat
You are, indeed, blessed. And your employers and colleagues are blessed to have you as part of their team. It is important to take care of YOU and I am so pleased that you are doing just that. We all need to nurture our hearts and souls, to recognize when we need a break, to forgive ourselves, and to be grateful for each small step we can manage as we walk through this tiresome and exhausting journey.
Congratulations to you and your boss for the amazing steps you have taken!
Sending much love and lots of hugs to you and Andy ~ Debbie
Sarah, Your employers sound like kind, wonderfully compassionate people and clearly you are a valued member of the team. There are days I\'m physically at work, but not too much more than that. Other times I am very productive, but the work of grief is exhausting. I am so very proud of you for taking care of yourself, looking towards healing and forging a new life out of loss. Andy, your momma is pretty great! Love & hugs, Linda
Glad you have an understanding boss. To know what we need changes from day to day you never know what will trigger the tears. We just need to take care of ourselves and do whatever we can to get thru each day. Sending you hugs and love Bev
You are blessed with understanding co-workers. I didn\'t realize until I moved and quit my jobs, how tired and burnt out, I was. I threw myself into working long days, after I lost Chad, so I would be so tired, I didn\'t have time to think or feel. But, you can only do that for so long. I hope this new arangement works out for you and you find some much needed rest. Hugs. Gay in Ga.
Yes, it\'s a good thing to know thyself. No one told me that grief would be so exhausting, so all encompassing. It still surprises me, I make sure I have time with other people, even if the class is sometimes boring, I go just to be with others. I know which programs I can watch when I\'m too anxious and have them on tape, and use Xanex when it\'s called for. We must care for ourselves now, as the walking wounded. It\'s good to know what you need and to communicate this to others. It\'s hard for me to do, too.
It is good to hear your supervisors care for you. They know one day you will be able to put more into your work when you have done more healing. It is wonderful to hear of caring people in the work place instead of hard ass\'s
Hugs Penny