Lately
Lately, I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. The morning comes with busyness and newness and I usually feel happy and fine. After about noon time I have noticed growing anxiety every day. Probably because my work hours are such that my work day ends at 2:00pm and, since my CS has been out of work, I know I will have to go home and pretend. Pretend to be dumb. Pretend not to be hurt and sad. Pretend to not be struggling with if or when to leave. It's been a daily struggle. I pray and read my devotional. That helps; it really does. I can't deny, though, that I also daily think about getting an anti-anxiety medication. I'm already on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med. I don't want to get one, really. I feel I've been too reliant on medication throughout my life. No addiction; I just would rather beat this in a more natural way. Also, doing the work I do, I don't want a benzodiazepine. I know they are highly addictive and over-prescribed. I wish I could take a vacation. But, I have to work. Bills need to be paid. I just want to go home and be by myself for a few days. Maybe then I could cry and cry and cry, and cry some more. Maybe then I could feel better. Because right now, I'm feeling sucky.
Replies
Hang in there. One thing that used to help me a little was to take a drive, and try to find someplace away from everything. Luckily, it doesn\'t take long to get to rural farmland from here, and just drive out to the country and \"talk to God.\" I hope the writing is helping. You might try writing a letter to your husband, even if you never send it. I really hope the guilt of what he had done pushes him to come out and tell you on his own. Because, at the same time...you knowing it, too, and holding it all in...it isn\'t helping. Take some walks, maybe even invite your husband to come along.