money

All three of my kids had school yesterday. My little one only goes to kindergarten on Tuesdays and Thursdays and occassional Mondays. Supposed to be every other but with the rotation for the other kidergarten class and holidays it works out to be one Monday a month. After I got all of them on the bus I decided to go to the BMV to renew tags on two vehicles and a pop-up camper as well as my drivers license. Spent $150 at the BMV. Money that could have been better spent...ugh!! Why do we pay so much for a sticker and a piece of plastic with our picture on it?
Been feeling a bit bitter laterly. See posts on facebook from people I used to work with bitching about having to work. REALLY? I want to go back to work but THEY said I can't!! These people have their health and no chronic pain or fatigue, yet all they do is bitch about everything. Made me take a good look at myself and realize what a horrible person I have become because of my disease. I deleted a lot of people on facebook because I just can't stand listening to their petty bull shit any more!!
I am hurt that not a single person I worked with for over 7 years has called me to see how I am doing. Not a single text or message on facebook. No phone calls....nothing!! A co-worker of mine had cancer. They permitted her to work from home while going through treatment but when they put me on disability, they said they could not find a position for me because they don't have a policy on that. When she was going through treatment, they threw her several benefits and gave her all the money they collected...hell, I even went and collected for her. They had colon cancer support bracelets made and each co-worker wore one (I couldn't because the pressure on my wrists was too much, but I attached mine to my ID). Do you know what they have done to support me? A swift kick in the ass and a "you are not permitted on hospital property until you are no longer a fall risk".....REALLY?????
I have been off work for nearly 2 months now. Not one call. Oh, wait, I take that back...human resources called me to make sure I was still disabled....I told them "no...I am not disabled" and asked if I could come back to work. They told me I had to be cleared by my physician and employee health first. Well, I know that wont happen.
I also had a co-worker (a nurse) and her husband (a paramedic) who both called off work a couple years ago and rented a motorcycle. They were in an accident. Neither wearing helmets. She is paralyzed as a result. They created a position for her. I feel bad for her. I know she does not want to be paralyzed, but she caused the injury by her carelessness, so why was a position created for her and not one for me?
DOn't get me wrong, I don't wish cancer or paralysis on anyone and I am so glad that the first co-worker is in full remission but I just don't understand. Why is cancer so much more important and get so much more support? I didn't ask for this disease. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to miss out on running with my children or working at a career I worked my butt off to get!!
Then I think about our wonderful welfare system. I am jumping through hoops to prove my condition is real. To apply for SSDI. To look for a job I could do with my limitations. Yet there are people abusing the welfare system and having a much better life than me....complete with a free cell phone, free food, assistance for housing....the list goes on. What proof do they have to show? Yah, I know, some of the people on welfare actually deserve it...but the majority don't!! Why is it so hard for someone who has been working and paying taxes since the age of 13 to get some help?
I have become very bitter in my old age. I will be 41 on Friday....who cares!!! Friends have all split. They can't deal with it. I am left to deal with it alone! It's not fair to my kids to put any of this on them. They are already stressed out enough that I am sick. My 12 year old daughter wakes up in the middle of the night frequently crying and saying she had a dream that I was dead. How do I deal with that? It breaks my heart that they have to go through this and it is not their disease to deal with. My boys are always worried about me being home alone.
SOmetimes I honestly believe that my diseases are a result of some bad karma. Gotta ask what I did in a previous life that I am paying for now. I put a brave face on now. Mostly because I know that no one gives a shit what I am going through! I could be in a room full of people and smiling away, but inside I am crying and I feel so alone!
I want to go back to work. But I don't know if I want to go back to that hospital. A bunch of fake people who only care about you when they can get something out of you! WOW!! Thanks for making me feel even worse about myself than my diseases have already made me feel!