Angry
I've just recently realized how angry I am. I'm angry with the world, myself, my husband. It is slowly killing me. I need to forgive and move on or I am going to end up a lonely miserable person. I'm angry that my parents couldn't pull their heads out of their ass and get it together when us kids were young. I feel completely abandoned by my mother who was an alcoholic. So I guess their answer was that my dad and I would move across the country resulting in me not hearing from my mother from around age 5-16. My three brothers stayed with my mom so I feel as if Im an only child when I'm not. Sucks. They have so much to share together and I always feel like a stranger. My father never forgave my mother for her indiscretions and therefore remained alone and miserable-never happy. I feel like i've taken after him. Fast forward to my marriage. Met my husband at 28. At that point I already knew I had fertility issues and would need to take extra measures to start a family. Prior to getting married my husband also wanted this - or so he said. Keep in mind he has two children, boy and a girl from a previous marriage. In any case it's 10 yrs later and through this whole time didn't think it was a good idea. We just weren't "ready". Im now 2 yrs shy of 40, angry, sad and just not happy with where I am in my life and now feeling that I can never forgive him for not pushing forward with me to have children. I am probably more upset with myself that I have allowed this to be my life. I just don't know what to do or where to start...
Replies
First off I want to say I am sorry for what you had to go through.
I think it is a good start to be able to recognize what it is that is making you unhappy....because now that you have been able to pinpoint it, you can begin the process of finding a way to deal with it.
It is a long and heavy burden you have carried with regards to your childhood. I know I have these issues of abandonment myself. What would it take at this point in your life to move towards acceptance and forgivness? I ask because we cannot change the past, we can only accept it for what it is and keep moving forward. So what would it take for you to be able to move forward from all of this and regain a sense of peace and contentment in your life? Have you ever talked to any of them about what you have shared with us in this journal?
Forgiveness to me means you have gained a genuine understanding of why those around you treated you the way they did. You have taken the time to understand their side of the story and have come to terms with it.
I have learned that the biggest challenge of them all is acceptance. Acceptance doesn\'t mean you have forgotten what has happened. What it DOES mean is that you are aware of the past, but you have decided to no longer let it hold you back or keep you down.
Thanks mc! You are right I have a starting point. I made my first therapy appt for tomorrow. I\'ve only gone to a therapist once and never went back - years ago when the anxiety got bad. Should be interesting. Not sure how this works - I tell her my problems and she just listens and shakes her head in agreement... Lol. I don\'t know but I guess I\'ll find out.
Thanks again for responding. Always a pillar of hope and inspiration.
I can certainly relate with how you are feeling; although, we do come from different backgrounds and encounter different circumstances. I hope the appointment with the therapist went well.
I\'m sorry that I didn\'t realize that you wrote a new journal until now. I wish I had the answers or that I could be more supportive. I just want you to know that I am here for you and that I care.