I've slipped into this complete numbness. I don't really feel much of anything emotion-wise. I have panic attacks every now and then, but even when I have them they're mostly physical...a panic attack without the panic, if you will. Maybe its because I've grown accustomed to them? I don't talk to anyone that doesn't live with me anymore, and I don't leave my house more than once a week, and I'm totally okay with that. I see no reason to go out into the world because I don't like the world. The only problem I have with the state I'm currently in is that I know it can't go on forever. Even if my emotions weren't destined to inevitably come back and cause me to snap, I'm 21 years old and still completely dependent on my mother. I can't lay in my bed and watch Orange is the New Black and be numb 24/7 because everyone expects me to get a job and support myself and move out and on with my life, which I honestly don't think I can do even though I want to. As you can see, I'm trapped in a vicious cycle of wanting more for myself and never ever achieving it and then hating myself for it because of my own stupidity and neuroticism. The only cure for this is death, I think. Medications, therapy, mediation, diet & exercise, vitamins & herbal supplements...none of those things have ever done me any good. There is nothing any professional, no matter how exceptional they are at their job, can do for me at this point. I've accepted that because I now understand that life isn't for everyone. I'm just so content in this numb state that it's difficult to find the enthusiasm or energy to kill myself. What a conundrum.