Anxiety is STILL here and raging. I've completely given up any hope of it ever going away. I don't have a job, and my mom obviously doesn't care that I'm losing my mind, so I'm still going without treatment. I haven't seen my therapist since July 16th. I miss talking to her a lot but it's not like she can help me anyway.
I figured out a new method that allows me to cut really deep so I've been doing it like crazy. Normally when I cut less deep than this it was always an accident and it always scared me, but now I'm not satisfied until I see fat or hit muscle. I'm literally disfiguring myself and it makes me happy! I MUST BE INSANE, RIGHT? How can mutilating my body to such a degree make me happy?! What the hell is wrong with me? And the craziest part is that I barely even feel it. It used to hurt enough for me to grit my teeth or clench my eyes shut at least, but I hardly notice now.
Ha! It's finally happening and I'm actually losing my shit and I really don't even care.
I figured out a new method that allows me to cut really deep so I've been doing it like crazy. Normally when I cut less deep than this it was always an accident and it always scared me, but now I'm not satisfied until I see fat or hit muscle. I'm literally disfiguring myself and it makes me happy! I MUST BE INSANE, RIGHT? How can mutilating my body to such a degree make me happy?! What the hell is wrong with me? And the craziest part is that I barely even feel it. It used to hurt enough for me to grit my teeth or clench my eyes shut at least, but I hardly notice now.
Ha! It's finally happening and I'm actually losing my shit and I really don't even care.
Replies
Dear Volatile,
You need to see someone ASAP! I\'m really worried about you. You have so much to live for. I sometimes tell myself the same thing...that I\'m messed up. I think sometimes we have to keep fighting, and you\'re giving up which isn\'t cool. I know you can do good. If I were you I would find ways to challenge yourself. I have many family issues too. I have two hostile parents who try their best to make me mad. I can\'t even be around them and it doesn\'t make any sense cause you need family to be there for you. Please be gentle with yourself!!!
I\'m trying really hard but I don\'t feel like it\'s making a difference. I would love to see someone, but like I said I don\'t have a job and my mom doesn\'t think its severe enough to do anything. I\'m stuck.